Click.
"Welcome to 'Survivor: The Australian Outback.' I am Jeff Probst, and you may remember me as that tool who used to host 'Rock and Roll Jeopardy!' on VH-1. Man, I am a lucky sumbitch to fall into this 'Survivor' thing. So lucky. Anyhow, let's get on with the show ..."
Click.
"Hey, Monica."
"Hey, Rachel. I wanted to talk to you about something."
"What? The fact that you're married in real life to that idiot from those AT&T commercials?"
"Um ... no. I actually have a question. Have you ever noticed that Joey and Phoebe ... how do I put this ... act like they are stoned out of their freaking minds half of the time?"
"YEAH! OH MY GOODNESS! I noticed the same thing, Monica. And they hang around together a lot, too."
"YES! And you know how they always hang around together? And you know how they always kinda smell? I think it's POT!!!"
Click.
"So, Steve, to tell people about the GREAT deals at our Kietzke Lane car dealership, I think you should streak down that street wearing nothing but a tutu and a banner with the dealership's name."
"I am sorry, Tom. I can't do that. I have my dignity."
"Uh ... you think so? Have you seen the dumb-ass things you've done in our previous commercials?"
"Um ... oh, yeah. That's right. Well, I'll do it. Off goes the shirt, off goes the pants ... "
Ewwwwww! Click click click.
"That's AWESOME, BAYBEE! STUPENDOUS! THESE DIAPER DANDIES ARE INCREDIBLE! THESE BOYS CAN PLAY BASKETBALL! STUPENDOUS!"
"Uh ... Mr. Vitale, it's half-time, and that's a Frisbee dog."
"Oh. Well, it's a STUPENDOUS FRISBEE DOG, BAYBEE!"
Click.
"Hey, I am hungry. All there is to eat here is dingo meat and weird fruit with bugs in the middle."
"Yeah ... but I have an idea."
"What is it?"
"Well, I wonder how Jeff Probst would taste. You know, the host."
"Oh, you mean the tool from VH-1?"
Click.
"Hey, Joey, you ever notice how Monica and Rachel are really alarmingly thin?"
"Oh YEAH, Phoebe. That's true. I wonder if they're anorexic or something."
"Anorexic? What does that mean?"
"It means ... um .. aw, screw it. Pass the joint."
"OK. Hey, Joey, I have the munchies ..."
Click.
"LOOK AT ME, TOM. I am free as a jaybird and naked as a ... "
AIIIIIGGH! Click click click click.
"INCREDIBLE! STUPENDOUS! AMAZING! BAYBEE! THIS IS AWESOME! I AM TURGID WITH EXCITEMENT!"
Click.
"Help! The tribes have united and are chasing me with sticks! And they keep calling me 'VH-1 Tool.' What have I done?"
"Come here you VH-1 Tool. We're hungry and sick of you."
"AIIIIGGGH!"
Click.
"Oh, Ross."
"Oh, CHANDLER!"
"Oh, ROSS!!!! Monica can never find out about this."
"Of course. Oh, Chandler. I love that third nipple..."
Ugh. Click.
"On behalf of this station, we would like to apologize for running those commercials with those goobers from the auto dealership. Those were completely embarrassing to the city, and we're sorry."
"Wait! TV station announcer dude. Here's some more money to keep running commercials."
"Uh ... OK, thanks, Steve. But could you PLEASE put some clothes on?"
Click.
"THIS IS AWESOME BAYBEE! I AM SO EXCITED ABOUT THESE DIAPER DANDIES I AM HAVING AN ORGASM, BAYBEE! STUPENDOUS!"
"Would someone please get Mr. Vitale sedative?"
Click.
"So, how do you think this VH-1 tool tastes?"
"Mmmm ... well, kinda stringy. And greasy."
Yuck! Click.
Time to go to bed. That is, hide under bed. TV can be scary sometimes.
Jimmy Boegle is a fifth-generation Nevadan who would like to point out that he made it through an entire column without mocking George "Subliminable" W. Bush. Oops. Anyway, Jimmy's column appears here Tuesdays, and he can be reached via e-mail at jiboegle@stanfordalumni.org.