Below is a partial transcript of day 1 of the Legislature's 18th Special Session.
Gov. Kenny Guinn: I officially declare this 18th Special Session of the Legislature open.
Sen. Joe Neal: I propose we raise the gross gaming tax.
Lt. Gov. Lorraine Hunt: Joe, that's not what we're here for. We're here to deal with the whole medical crisis thingie.
Neal: I would like to object to the presence of a talking, life-size, disconcerting porcelain doll.
Assemblyman Richard Perkins: Joe, that's not a doll. That's Lorraine Hunt. Her face just looks pasty white like that all the time.
Neal: Oh, thank goodness. So, when are we going to get to the gaming tax?
Perkins: Joe, we're not looking into that, dang it. Is that all that's on your mind?
Neal: Well, for the last several years, all you've seemingly had on your mind, Richard, was the Nevada State College in Henderson, and look at how well THAT's worked out so far. How many students are enrolled there this fall? Like, seven people?
Sen. Dina Titus: Oh, be nice, Joe. And while I am on the record, I'd like to say that Northern Nevada is full of moochers.
Sen. Bill Raggio: Dina, you wench, you're just pissed that you aren't the majority leader. Be quiet.
Titus: Bill, this is between Sen. Neal and me. Stay out of it.
Neal: Dina, who are you to talk? You're such a wuss that you were afraid to run for governor this year, which as one of the party leaders, you should have been willing to do. And that meant that I had to do it.
Titus: Why is everyone picking on me?
Sen. Maurice Washington: That damn Southern accent is getting on everybody's nerves.
Titus: Well, at least *I* am not being investigated for charter school improprieties, Maurice.
Guinn: People, people! Can we stop argumentating for a minute and get to the business at foot, which is the doctors are leaving and things? You know, the malpracticing stuff.
Assemblyman Lynn Hettrick: Would someone please try to stop Gov. Guinn from speaking without a script?
Perkins: Man, his diction is worse than Dan Quayle's. Or President Bush's.
Guinn: Mr. Perkins, we do not use words like "diction" or "Bush" in the Legislature chambers.
Neal: Good gracious. How am I down 40 points in the polls to this guy?
Assemblywoman Chris Giunchigliani: Governor, I have a question.
Guinn: Yes, Assemblywoman Giunchigliani?
Perkins: How in the hell did he manage to say "Giunchigliani" without messing it up?
Giunchigliani: You are proposing we set the damage cap at $350,000. Why not lower it?
Guinn: I don't know. That's what my handlers told me to set it at.
Perkins: WHAT?
Guinn: Um, I take that back. No comment.
Raggio: I don't know if my heart can take much more of this.
Giunchigliani: Governor, you can't say "no comment." We're not the press.
Guinn: Oh. Gosh darn it.
Neal: So, how about raising the gaming tax?
Sen. Terry Care: Joe, can we deal with the malpractice issue, please?
Neal: Oh, Terry, you're recognizing my existence! Finally! Based on how the Democratic party's been treating me, Mr. State Chairman, I thought you'd forgotten that I existed.
Care: Joe, it's just that we don't think you have a chance. It was the same with Matthew Dushoff ...
Guinn: Please, Mr. Care, watch your language. We don't use crass words like "Dushoff" in the Legislature's chambers. And I don't want to have to rebuke the Democratians for their verbaliage problems again.
Raggio: Oh, crimeny. Screw this. I'd like to make a motion to take a break for lunch. All in favor?
The Gang of 63: Aye.
Raggio: Bitchin'. Let's eat.
Guinn: Ooh. Can we go to Krispy Kreme?
Washington: There isn't one in Carson City yet, governor.
Guinn: Bummer. I propose we move the capital to somewhere with a Krispy Kreme.
Neal: No, really. How am I down 40 points in the polls to this guy?
Jimmy Boegle is a fifth-generation Nevadan who thanks the humor column gods for our wonderful elected officials. Jimmy's column appears here Tuesdays, and a column archive may be viewed at www.jimmyboegle.com.