January 1, 2000: The new century dawns in Sparks, with few problems arising from the dreaded Y2K computer bug. The most notable problem comes when the diagonal crosswalk signals on Victorian Square malfunction, and give people "the finger" rather than a red or green hand signal.
May 31, 2002: Tony Armstrong is named one of the sexiest men alive by People magazine for his "fabulous mustache" and "extensive collection of fascinating polo shirts."
July 7, 2003: A suit against the Sparks Police Department is filed by the last officer who had not yet sued the department.
January 13, 2004: City Attorney Chet Adams -- swamped defending the city and police department in all these lawsuits -- is sent to a mental institution after he is found in his office wearing only his underwear, muttering "cops briefs."
December 14, 2006: Peggy O'Neill, her eyes again on public office, opens a new business in Sparks as a way to give herself more name recognition. Because of a business boom, however, there are few untapped business arenas. She ends up opening Peggy O'Neill's Suppositories, and immediately starts airing a series of commercials in which she hawks Preparation H and says her name 17 times in 30 seconds.
August 4, 2007: An earthquake hits the Rail City. Damage is mostly minor, although Dotty's Casino is completely destroyed. Sadly, nobody notices.
June 26, 2009: Singer Celine Dion files a multi-million-dollar lawsuit against the city after she is squirted in the throat by the Victorian Square fountain while she tours the area with her entourage following a concert at the Nugget. In court documents, she alleges the water stream damaged her vocal cords, meaning she will never be able to sing "My Heart Will Go On" from "Titanic" again. Within days, the city receives millions of telegrams of appreciation.
February 14, 2010: A driver using the Pyramid Way-Interstate 80 interchange gets so confused, he ends up somehow in Verdi. "I thought I'd have this damn thing down after 11 years," the frustrated man says.
November 1, 2011: Bruce Breslow, 12 years after his retirement as Sparks mayor, is elected to the office again. When asked why he ran for mayor 12 years after his last term, he explains: "Kenny Guinn isnŐt around anymore to give me work."
July 26, 2014: Peggy O'Neill opens a booth at the Sparks Hometowne Farmers' Market, in which she sells vegetables. She names the booth "Peggy O'Neill's Rutabagas."
May 9, 2017: An elderly George Lucas arrives in Sparks to begin on-site filing for "Star Wars: Episode VII." He films a good portion of the film at the Sparks Marina Park, using it as a set for some alien planet scenes. Mayor Bruce Breslow has a cameo as Kirk Skywalker, Darth Vader's cousin; Lucas mysteriously describes Breslow as a "good little wookie."
September 4, 2026: Sparks is taken by storm when devout Christians flock to the Rail City from around the world after someone reports seeing the Virgin Mary in an omelet at the Western Village. The attention, however, subsides quickly after a confused trucker eats the three-cheese breakfast dish when no one is looking.
April 22, 2029: The Reno Gazette-Journal, for the first time in its history, gives a restaurant and potential advertiser a less-than-favorable review. However, this comes only after the reviewer and a guest die from food poisoning. "The food was a little undercooked," the review reads.
August 6, 2032: As part of Hot August Nights, the Backstreet Boys play at the Mint Casino. Nobody cares.
May 14, 2049: Baldini's announces plans for two 30-story hotel towers to be built. Casino executives surprise the world by announcing the structure will be built entirely from soda cases saved over the past 55 years from their six-pack giveaway. "We've been planning this all along."
January 26, 2051: Two weeks after the opening of the Baldini's hotel towers, a wolf comes along and blows down the cardboard structures. "He huffed, and he puffed, and he blew it down," a casino rep says. "It was a real pisser."
November 5, 2071: The Reno City Council finally decides what to do with the Mapes Hotel-Casino: restore it. This decision baffles government watchdogs, seeing as the building collapsed into the Truckee River in 2058.
February 12, 2074: Elderly journalist Jimmy Boegle is rewarded a Pulitzer Prize for his incredibly accurate predictions in the Daily Sparks Tribune three-quarters of a century earlier. "We thought he was just being a smart-ass," a Tribune editor remarks.
December 31, 2099: Area casinos erupt in a panic because of the Y2K+100 computer bug, a glitch which is feared to make all electronic blackjack games malfunction because the year will start with "21." The Ascuaga family, stricken by the panic, converts $1 billion in casino assets into baseball cards.
Jimmy Boegle, a fifth-generation Nevadan, is available for palm readings and may be rented out for parties. His column appears every Tuesday in the Tribune; he can be reached via e-mail at jiboegle@stanfordalumni.org