On Jan. 1, 2000, many amazing things will take place. The start of a new millennium. Stanford playing in the Rose Bowl. And, some people believe, some very serious problems caused by a computer bug.
For several years now, we have been subjected to a barrage of speculation on what problems, if any, the Y2K computer bug will cause on that fateful day. Some people (usually trying to sell books) say that the bug will cause massive problems in our computerized society, causing the world to grind to a halt. Others (also usually trying to sell books), however, disagree, saying that there will be few if any problems, aside from scuffles which will break out between those who actually give a damn whether the new millenium really starts in 2000 or in 2001.
Many people, deciding they would rather be safe than sorry, are taking steps to prepare for potential Y2K problems by stocking up on supplies and by making sure their belongings will function properly come 31 days from today. I have no problems with these people; actually, I think they are smart. While I am almost certain the new year will dawn with only a few minor problems--if any--I have been wrong before. And if there are serious problems, those people will be the ones who are warm and fed, while the rest of us will be cold and pondering what huge dumb-asses we were for not getting ready.
I, however, do have a very, very serious problem with a certain set of those preparing for Y2K. For simplicity purposes, I will refer to these people from hereon out as "Y2K goobers," or more simply, "morons."
As I have discussed in this column before, I work part-time at a very large department store, where I sell items including water heaters, thermostats, pumps, tools, garage door openers and the like. In this job capacity, I have had to deal with an alarming large number of Y2K goobers.
I am not making this up: I have had several people, ask me in all seriousness, whether the water heaters we sell are Y2K compliant. For those of you with the IQ of corn starch: There are no computers in water heaters. Primarily, a water heater consists of a tank, a heating element or two, a simple non-electronic thermostat, and some insulation. No computers. What in the HELL, I ask, would a water heater need with a computer? I know water heaters often sit alone in garages and stuff, and may occasionally get bored, and may even desire a computerized game of solitare (a deck of cards wouldn't work because water heaters generally don't have hands), but that is the only use a water heater would have with a computer.
I have also had several people ask me if garage door openers are Y2K compliant. OK, I will admit that some garage door openers do indeed have electronic components--but I have never, ever met a garage door opener that cares about the date. And I doubt I ever will, unless the garage door opener and the water heater decide--with plans weeks in advance--to run off and elope.
Finally, a man once asked me whether the screwdrivers we sold are Y2K compliant. I replied that, no, they are not, and that they are sure to explode at the crack of midnight on Jan. 1, 2000. He replied, "Cool!" and bought one. I think he was kidding, and I think he knew I was kidding. Either that, or he is going to be highly disappointed a month from now.
In any case, it is only a matter of days until we all find out whether there is anything to all this ridiculous Y2K hype. While I am not completely sure what will happen with things that actually have computers in them, I am confident that the water heaters and garage door openers of the world will be just fine. That is, unless their marriages to each other don't work out.
Jimmy Boegle is a fifth-generation Nevadan who plans on spending this New Year's in East Los Angeles with his college "homeys," waiting for the screwdrivers to explode. Jimmy promises that his column, which appears here Tuesdays, is Y2K compliant. He can be reached via e-mail at jiboegle@stanfordalumni.org.