When making hot cocoa, never put the marshmallows in the glass until you have added the hot water. If you do, the marshmallows will melt and prevent the powder from mixing; turning the whole thing into one big coagulated mess.

Mary had a little lamb.
She tied it to a heater.
And every time it turned around,
It burnt its little …

If 2 wrongs do not make a right, just exactly how many does it take?

Useless Tip #654: It hurts when you slam you finger in a door.

Never tell a fanatic he's wrong; you might not live to regret it.

Life is fair. There, now when someone asks you "Who ever said that life is fair" you can tell them that I did.

Mary had a little lamb with mashed-potatoes and gravy on the side.

People are stupid. There are no exceptions.

Mary had a little lamb.
Its fleas were white as snow.
So she got a flea collar,
And away those fleas did go.

Never use a cutting torch to break into a fireworks factory.

Death is a once in a lifetime opportunity; even if you do believe in reincarnation.

Never insult someone stronger than you; you might not live to regret it.

If the more you study, the more you learn,
and the more you learn, the more you forget,
and the more you forget, the less you know.
Then the more you study, the less you know.
So, why study?

It's hard to make a program foolproof because fools are so ingenious.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can put off indefinitely.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up.

Going to war without the French is like going hunting without your accordian

Half of the people in the world are below average.

Out the 10Base-T, through the router, down the T1, over the leased line,
off the bridge, past the firewall...nothing but Net.

A Stanford research group advertised for participants in a study of
obsessive-compulsive disorder. They were looking for therapy clients who had
been diagnosed with this disorder. The response was gratifying; they got 3,000
responses about three days after the ad came out.
_

All from the same person.

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

Birds take off at sunrise. On the opposite side of the world, they are landing
at sunset. This causes the earth to spin on its axis.

The earth may spin faster on its axis due to deforestation. Just as a figure
skater's rate of spin increases when the arms are brought in close to the body,
the cutting of tall trees may cause our planet to spin dangerously fast.

But besides that, Mrs. Lincoln, how did you like the play?

Remember, you are a completely unique and distinct individual.
Just like everyone else.

Those of you who think that you know everything are particularly annoying to
those of us who do.

I used to have a photographic memory, but it was never developed...

Women libbers are OK. I just wouldn't want my sister to marry one.

A truly wise man never plays leap-frog with a unicorn.

Draft beer, not people.

Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac who stays up all night
wondering if there really is a Dog?

Q: How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to hold the giraffe and the other to fill the
bathtub with brightly colored machine tools.

Jesus saves...but Gretzky gets the rebound! He shoots. HE SCOOORES!

Trees don't fall in the forest when no one's around to hear them. Sometimes
they just happen to be on the ground when you see them again.

What the hell, go ahead and put all your eggs in one basket.

Non-Reciprocal Laws of Expectations: Negative expectations yield negative
results. Positive expectations yield negative results.

Murphy's Law is recursive. Washing your car to make it rain doesn't work.

Be free and open and breezy! Enjoy! Things won't get any better so you better
get used to it.

Be different: Conform.

A bore is someone who persists in holding his own views after we have
enlightened him with ours.

If the odds are a million to one against something occurring, chances are 50-50
it will.

Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.

There has been an alarming increase in the number of things you know nothing
about.

Anarchy may not be the best form of government, but it's better than no
government at all.

Just because your doctor has a name for your condition doesn't mean he knows
what it is.

Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they AREN'T after you.

Weird theory #47: Islamic women can do kinky things with their ankles.
That's why the Koran says they aren't supposed to reveal them in public.

The nice thing about standards is, there are so many to choose from.

Have you ever wondered if taxation without representation was cheaper?

Ask a fish head anything you want to. It won't answer you; they can't talk.

Misfortune, n. The kind of fortune that never misses.

If God had meant for penguins to fly, he would have given them wings.

A company is like a tree full of monkeys. Some monkeys are going up,
some are going down. The ones at the top look down and see nothing
but smiling faces. The ones at the bottom look up and see
nothing but assholes.

When they ship styrofoam, what do they pack it in?

Bove's Theorem: The remaining work to finish in order to reach your goal
increases as the deadline approaches.

Useless advice #986: Never sit on a tack.

Democracy is the worst system devised by the wit of man, except for all the others.
-Winston Churchill

G: "If we do happen to step on a mine, Sir, what do we do?"
EB: "Normal procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump 200 feet in the air and
scatter oneself over a wide area."

• Somewhere in No Man's Land, BA4
  

The overwhelming majority of people have more than the average (mean) number of
legs. -- E. Grebenik

"The opinions of worthless people, are worthless."
-Piers Anthony

Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress.
But I repeat myself. -- Mark Twain

Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham
Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today?
1. Writing his memoirs of the Civil War.
2. Advising the President.
3. Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin.

• David Letterman
  

The hardest thing in the world to understand is income tax!
Albert Einstein

Political history is far too criminal and pathological to be a fit subject of study for the young. Children should acquire their heroes and villains from fiction.
W.H. Auden
British poet (1907-1973)

Life may have no meaning.
Or even worse, it may have a meaning of which I disapprove.
-- Ashleigh Brilliant

My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

• Ashleigh Brilliant

I think that all right-thinking people in this country are sick and tired of
being told that ordinary, decent people are fed up in this country with being
sick and tired. I'm certainly not! But I'm sick and tired of being told that
I am! -- Monty Python

When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in
the audience stood up and said, "Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the
God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?" -- Quentin Crisp

These are my new shoes. They're good shoes. They won't make you rich like me,
they won't make you rebound like me, they definitely won't make you handsome
like me. They'll only make you have shoes like me. That's it.

• Charles Barkley

Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the
experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to
do so. -- Douglas Adams, _Last Chance to See_

Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a mistake when
you make it again. -- F. P. Jones

Lazlo's Chinese Relativity Axiom: No matter how great your triumphs or how
tragic your defeats---approximately one billion Chinese couldn't care less.

There's so much comedy on television. Does that cause comedy in the streets?

• Dick Cavett, mocking the TV-violence debate

The Lord's Prayer is 66 words, the Gettysburg Address is 286 words, there are
1,322 words in the Declaration of Independence, but government regulations on
the sale of cabbage total 26,911 words.
-- From an article on the growth of federal regulations
in the Oct. 24th issue of National Review

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I
hate plants. -- A. Whitney Brown

If it moves use duct tape, if it doesn't use WD-40. -- Esman the Great

A democracy cannot exist as a permanent form of government. It can only
exist until a majority of voters discover that they can vote themselves
largess out of the public treasury.
-- Alexander Tyler, eighteenth-century Scottish historian

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. -- Oscar Wilde

All my life, I always wanted to be somebody.
Now I see that I should have been more specific.
-- Jane Wagner, _The Search For Intelligent Life In The Universe_
[Performed by Lily Tomlin]

When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last. -- Griffin's Thought

I can please only one person per day.
Today is not your day.
Tomorrow isn't looking good either.
-- DNRC Motto

Inbreeding is how we get championship horses.
-- Carl Gunter, Louisiana state representative, explaining why he was
fighting a proposed bill that allowed abortion in cases of incest.

Meddle not in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and good with ketchup. -- Nightbringer

Things should be as simple as possible, but not simpler. -- Albert Einstein

We must hang together, gentlemen...else, we shall most assuredly hang
separately. -- Benjamin Franklin, 1776

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great
force. -- Dorothy Parker

I don't like spinach, and I'm glad I don't, because if I liked it I'd eat it,
and I just hate it. -- Clarence Darrow

I can't complain, but sometimes I still do. -- Joe Walsh

If we're not listening, we'd have to be pretty blind. -- J-L Gassee

What did the Caspian sea? -- Saki