White Wolf: Part 2
To Keeping My Distance
11-20-99
I'm prone to keeping my distance
not too near, not too far
not because I'm frightened
I don't like how things are
but I'm just waiting
maybe testing, though unfair
I have to see what you're made of
before I can move closer there.
I want to show slow
how I feel and who I've been
I want to know who you are
if you can be a friend.
I've loved too much
gotten too close too fast
and it's ended up hurting
when the love didn't last.
But then again were times
I've stayed too far away
and the leaving hurt then too
figuring to lose either way.
So this is why I stay near
but far, with slight insistence
to see if you are the one
who'll be still when I run
allowing me to come
without resistance
to keeping my distance.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Overcast
11-21-99
Today's a little overcast
cool breezes lightly caress dew
on the grass, gracing blades,
memories of the yesterday I flew
the sky is soft and gray
and you sit gently in my mind
wondering today if you are the one
is it luck that I would find
someone like you, to sit
and share the scene with me
and not even there in person
I'm caged by being free.
I have open, misty skies to roam
but I don't want to leave the grass
you are here making home,
it's nice from down here,
overcast.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Greater Than The Flight
11-27-99
I can't say I love you
because truthfully I don't know
what love is at all
but I don't want you to go
Things get so hectic
and days pass on by
and I'm scared sometimes
that you'll give up and say goodbye.
I know you say you'll wait
and you're there if I need a friend
but men only wait so long, I've seen
and then they bring it to its end.
I know you say you're different
not all men are the same
but sooner or later you'll believe
that I'm playing some sort of game.
But I only have my feet on the ground
while you are in the sky
offering your hand to me
soon you'll question why
I don't take ahold and come up
your love will fade out of sight
as I walk alone down here
because the fall has always been
greater than the flight.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
No Plan B
12-04-99
You knew I was planning on leaving
not wanting to go that deep
into your arms after loving
and drift on off to sleep.
But it didn't go according
to the plan I made
I opened my eyes and there
the night had come to fade
across the sunrise and past
into full-blown morning light
it was way too easy for me
way too much of feeling right.
It was twice then as frightening
a mountain stream divides wolf and lamb
I was planning on leaving
you must know, I still am.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Storm-Chaser
12-04-99
You catch the first scent
when the wind blows just a way
that you know who she is
she'll come but not stay
You hear the distant rumble
of the war in her heart
the civil line crossed by one
leading the masses to tear apart
then run fast and scared
by the flash of her eyes
electric, burning, piercing
her flood is her near demise.
You follow after as she runs
to save herself, zig-zagging and crying
yet she knows not you're everywhere
to keep her from inevitable dying
you reach for a pencil, stop,
and carefully try to sketch her
but she has no blueprint for life
and she's certain you can't catch her.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hangman
12-04-99
Guess each individual piece
that will work to make me whole
chances before your time is up
to touch my body, heart, and soul.
Circle, stick, stick, stick,
dot, dot, dot, curvie-Q
arms held out with all ten fingers
dash, dash, slash for a shoe.
One more shoe and you're out
hung from the noose in a tree
but we could add buttons to my shirt
dot, dot, you still can't see
how to make a whole of me.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
On The Edge of Me
I like to keep you on the edge of me
either not knowing or not understanding
I hold you loosely for if you fell
it'd be a fatal landing.
I'm so far up here
you don't realize how high you are
for if I didn't hold you
you'd suffer much more than a scar.
And me, I'd die too
without holding you
loosely on my edge
narrow, lacking any useful clue
not too close but not far away
not totally out in the gray
but not so bright that you can't see
just loosely on the edge of me.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Colors of the Sky
12-14-99
prism
in the middle of white and black
between black and white
I see both
one in the morning
one before night.
It helps me move
along,
to place me where I should be,
but I still go slowly
for your love for me.
Too much time at the wrong time
wearing on me to see both and fly
with you some, without you more
grazing colors of the sky.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Colors of the Sky
(part 2)
Sometimes the sky is only grey
void of prism, like today
when I don't understand what you say
throwing my hands up, unwilling to stay.
Still I look for a rainbow tomorrow
maybe in the middle of black and white
things will make more sense to me,
lend knowledge to continue this fight.
I'm sure we could use a light fuchsia
yet I doubt we'd see eye-to-eye
you'd call it purple while I sink in grey
forgetting colors of the sky.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I Love You
12-19-99
I'm not gonna stop you
even if I could
you should live your life
for what makes you feel good.
I'm sure it doesn't matter now
whatever I had to say
keeping silent is the best thing
so you'll be on your way.
You can't control who you fall in love with
that's what you said
but the heart endures much pain
when it doesn't listen to the head.
I can't tell you I love you
because the course of our lives would change
we have our own directions
and I'm not within your range.
If three words could stop you
with all the action to show them
altering the road we take
then again when we throw them
away
into the hole where other words go
when love disappears
you'd look back
and regret those years.
Go find your way
and should it lead you back to me
I will tell you three words
then my eyes will come to see
I love you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Choices
12-20-99
I always took you for you
never said you weren't good enough for me
you never had to stay one step ahead
making choices of how to be.
You didn't have to play a role
to be anything but what you are
you didn't have to try so hard
to keep me from going far.
I never compared you to anyone else
or set a standard for you to live
in any life but in your own
and with what you had to give.
And I don't see why it was so complicated
the stress you went through each day
this is my life and you knew that
and till now you chose to stay,
...till now; but now, you leave
and it's so unfair, but go
everyone has choices in life
and I chose to love you, I did know
the consequence of it, the choice
the action, reaction, cause and effect
wrong choices are mistakes and lead to,
next time, more time to reflect
...looking back on what has been
I choose not to love again.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Point Of That
12-26-99
I didn't spend Christmas with you
what's the point of that at all
if you're leaving anyhow
regardless of how hard I fall
...what's the point of that?
I'll find someone else later
so don't worry, I won't be alone
you're not really leaving me by myself
sitting waiting by the phone
...what's the point of that?
I don't want your present
or your touch from that far
this is being mean, I guess
but I can't change the way things are
...what's the point of that?
You spent your time and energy
and invested so much of you
you gave love whole-heartedly
above and beyond what I ever knew
so what exactly was
the point of that?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Until You're Gone
12-27-99
Lavender and teal
green and gold
shower gel and lace
satin sheets cold
love and broken heart
sad rainy day willow
clenching memory, dewy grass
tear-soaked pillow
not gone but gone
there touch and disappear
scrambled eggs and toast, ghost
shadows in such fear
of wolf's destination
leaving cloud dust trail
warm paws crackling ice
a primative nature wail
time cruel, empty glass
shadows of a fawn-
destination unknown but inside
of me you can hide
until you're gone.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Where Shadows Roam
12-28-99
wolf: bound, silent
shadows: lost, free
are you there, lone
and wild for me
I remember aloud
and it gives me hurt
should I come one day
inside your shirt
crushing
against your heart
like you have done mine
flattened there against the spine
as if it were a dart
that punctured
and let life escape-
if you made a way for me
could I use tape
to fix me up
enough to come home?
Go into snow, you may find yourself
there where shadows roam .
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Before You Leave
12-29-99
I need to spend tonight here
with you before you leave
breaking down in ashes again
trying hard not to believe
that we will forget each other
but knowing inside it's true
miles away, for only friends,
not for me and you.
I wasn't afraid to let you see
my tears well up and fall
never could cry in front of anyone
to think of something else and stall
the inevitable downpour
after the tingling and tightening
to let anyone see it coming
was more, than the pain, frightening.
But I need to spend tonight here
with you before you leave
so we can lay, remember, try to conceive
the depth of tears for this time I grieve.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thin Balloon
12-29-99
I reckon I believe you
when you say you love and care
but not enough for you to stay here
or for me to go there
It's all about the dollar
and love isn't ruled by that
go where the money is
and leave love, deflated flat.
If I loved, money wouldn't matter
I'd make it somehow, some way,
but I'm flat now because of you
blowing me up as big as day
floating me around
like a helium balloon, wind never still
but fallen, grounded, lifeless
and the dart was the dollar bill.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
12-30-99
I'm trying to keep it together here
but I keep breaking down
and falling apart
worse than I imagined, fear
when I came and found
the hole in my heart.
I'm trying to keep it together there
but it's no use tonight
weeping beyond words I struggle to say
involuntarily sucking in air
the hole grows larger without a fight
trying to keep it together tight
but it's falling apart anyway.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Gray Cotton
12-31-99
The sunrise fit this morning's departure
gray cotton, streaks of red,
not a soul on the road, empty,
only echoes of what you said
at darkness prior
to my falling asleep
waking into not remembering
then diving into reality deep.
No, I didn't want to see you
one last time before you went
it would've only made it sadder
costing more, tears to be spent
and I needed to save those
scared of running dry
you know, you lose everything with age
piece by piece with each goodbye.
We've said goodbye a hundred times
each time I had to see you
if I had to do it again
I don't think I would free you
so you're gone and I'm here
I'll sleep again in the forgotten
I'll wake to another sunrise
and remember, for gray cotton.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Your Gift
12-31-99
You said you had something warm
something of yours for me
I wonder what it was now
because then I didn't want to see.
Was it a blanket, or a sweater
or maybe thermal underwear?
...it's something I could hold on to...
a bottle of whiskey, or a teddy bear?
It's something to re-assure me
in the nights we are apart
(hmmm) something warm that I can hold on to?
Ahhhh yes! Guess I always knew...
you wanted to give me your heart.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sunglasses
01-03-00
I wonder if you ever cried
sad when I cried in front of you
do you remember it now
eyes that cut right through
but you didn't cry then at all
though I felt like you might
if I'd not have put my sunglasses on
to hide me from your sight
Today it will rain
the wind blows wild and gray
and I wish you were here with me
up till now, I've been okay
at least that's what I say
if you were here, you'd know better
a thousand times over in my mind
I've written out the same love letter
then to tear-stained paper
while I wonder if you cried
no need for sunglasses now
these clouds cannot hide.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Lost and Found
01-04-00
If I could go ahead and lose you
I could bear it well
but you're still there somewhere
and I'm still in hell
Lost and found, both
at the same time
not in sight but heart
a picture in my mind
arms reaching wide
tiny me, to be un-surrounded
when you took you away
and left your love, unfounded
Where is the more
the less is all around
trying to lick my wounds
midst clouds on the ground
where the road disappears
where silence is a sound
can you see
it's killing me
for you to be
both
lost and found?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Swivel
01-04-00
I went for a walk on the beach tonight
where you and I had played
where I splashed naked in the waves
and I wished I could've stayed
the wind blew stronger than ever
the salt air pounded my skin
composing a symphony of memories
I kneeled weeping, remembering when
you were there and I was happy
that night, in my heart, I knew
it wasn't imaginary anymore
I loved you.
Tonight as I was back again
I blew a kiss into that wind
figuring it was strong enough
to carry it to its end
across the many miles, above
treacherous currents of the sea
so if you felt the wind bite your lip
not to worry...it was only me.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Goodbye WhiteWolf
01-11-00
I will remember how you loved me
how you held me as I wept
the nights we shared and touches
the promises not kept
I'm moving too
a new life with more
than I ever had
or even dreamed of before
time has come
for letting go
I will not forget
but won't really know
why it came to be this way
why we couldn't be as one
I guess shadows pass into the sun
and wolves are destined to forever run.
Goodbye WhiteWolf
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~the end~
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