All About Me...

You are listening to "Quit Playin Games With My Heart" by The Backstreet Boys. To stop the music, use the control box in the upper left corner.

Where to begin? Well, I was born an Air Force brat,in Pensacola, Florida. I was luckier than most military brats, because Pensacola was the last stop...my Dad left my Mom (with a note, after over 20 years of marriage!)so I was born and raised in Pensacola.

The earliest memories I have of my father are running up to a tall man in a military uniform and jumping up into his arms and saying, "Daddy!". I think my brain made that whole scene up, or maybe I saw it in a movie... who knows, but from all accounts, he was an alcoholic perfectionist who couldn't stand any of his kids, including me. My brother is 7 years older than me, and my sister is 15 years older than me, so they got to experience quite a bit more of Dad's rather dubious charms. They have told me of his drunken rampages through the house, screaming and cursing at us, and of his beatings with a belt that were regularly handed out. Now, like I said, I don't remember any of this. Most of my childhood memories center around my mom and my grandmother. I remember my mother going through some things in a drawer and crying...and me wondering what she was crying about. I remember her working her butt off to support us. I remember being my grandmother's pet and my cousins despising me for it. My sister had gone into the Army by then, so it was just my mom, my brother (Mark), and me.

The Escape Hatch...Just Click Below If You Just Can't Stand This Soap Opera Any Longer!

My mother, whom I should also add is my greatest inspiration, never dated or spent time or money on herself- she worked hard, came home, and took care of us. My Dad did pay child support, but I don't give him any credit for it- he was a Master Sgt. in the military, and the military doesn't play... they don't let men get away with not paying child support if they can help it. My Dad remarried several times, and basicly has made it clear that he wants nothing to do with us or any of his grandkids. Nice guy. Yes, I have a big chip on my shoulder... but thanks mostly to him, (according to my shrink) I made a series of incredibly stupid relationship mistakes. In high school, I had NO self-esteem- when I look back at my pictures I am amazed to see that I was pretty- I never thought I was. I dated a lazy surfer for about 2 years in high school... wasted a lot of time, skipping school to be with him, etc.
I was an avid reader from an early age, books are a great way to escape the world. So, anyhow, I moved on to adult high school and graduated and slipped into a world of partying all the time with people much older than myself. I got hurt (emotionally) a lot...I was looking for love desperately, but none of my boyfriends were. I eventually met a nice guy and we moved in together and we fell in love...but it wasn't meant to be. The "nice" guy went out one day and robbed a bank runner that he knew at knifepoint for about $15,000.00. Needless to say, when I woke up with the police at my door, and my car and my boyfriend gone, I then began the period of time in my life that I call "living hell". Hey... need to take a bathroom break yet? If you're still with me at this point, I applaud your patience!

I continued to "love" this guy (Dale) all the way through his jail sentence and was actually bright enough to marry him the day after he got out of jail. See, I'm what they call a co-dependent- I have to have relationships with men that need fixing. Used to be anyway!!! We divorced due to his total lack of wanting to do anything but lounge around at my mother's house, or sleep around. Many nights I prowled the streets crying looking for my glorious husband. Then, I met John... boy, did I ever begin the horrible relationship to end them all. He was an abused child, and a very warped adult. But I figured I could fix him. Ha. He also slept around, used me and my family, and verbally and emotionally abused me to the point of attempting suicide. And no, that was not the first time I attempted suicide, either. We broke up and I took him back and supposedly things were hunky-dory... by this time, I was in my next-to-last semester of nursing school and working full-time at the hospital I planned to work at after I graduated.
I came home from work one day with my first big paycheck, proud and wanting to share it with him...and my house was ransacked...and no one was home. I looked at the coffee table and saw arrest paperwork sitting there...and my whole world crashed around me. He had been arrested for raping his cousin's wife at gunpoint, with her toddler child there. For a long time, I did not want to believe it- he claimed he had been "set up"...and then I found out I was pregnant. I underwent his rape trial as pregnant and big as a cow. I actually had to sit on the witness stand and be questioned...looking into the faces of the victim's family. The pregnancy went bad, I can't imagine why, can you? I began hemorrhaging in my 16th week and found out I had what is called Chronic Marginal Abruptio Placenta...which means the placenta was trying to come away from the wall of my uterus all the time. I could sneeze or cough, and I would start bleeding again. To make a long story short, I had to drop out of nursing school 10 weeks from graduation to go on total bed rest. I was in the hospital the majority of the time for 3 months...very near death at a few points...I had to have 3 transfusions. Finally, in my 30th week, I gave birth to my little miracle...Jon Jon. All 4 pounds of him. He was in the NICU for 7 1/2 weeks, most of that is on my preemie page. Suffice it to say, with the help of my mom and my best friends, Dawn and Joe, I made it through nursing school and moved to Tennessee...by this time Jon Jon was 2 years old and I had pretty much broken off contact with his father. who is now in prison, and has threatened to come kidnap my child when he gets out, which should be in 1998.
In the meantime, I work as an R.N. in adolescent psych, and try to help kids that kinda sorta remind me of me...and that's some of my story!! I can't tell it all...don't have enough hard drive. Thanks for sticking with me this long.
Update, April 17, 1998; Today would have been my first husband, Dale's, burthday. However, back in September of this past year, Dale gave up on life and hung himself. I have been divorced for a long time from him, but I just can't seem to get him out of my head. Why would someone do that? Especially someone with a son? I went back home earlier this year , and placed some flowers and a note on his grave....I started bawling like a baby. I just cannot imagine his vital, alive self as a body lying in the ground. Update on the other ex--- John---He was released from a Florida prison April 1, 1998, and supposedly moved to Gas City, Indiana "to live with his family." Well, ladies up in Indiana, beware, he is handsome--- but he is also a convicted felon, carrying sexual offender charges, requiring him to check in with the sheriff's department there as such.
Update June 21, 1998- I have not heard from John, so either he isn't going to follow through on his threats to take my son, or he's just biding his time...well, if he does show up, I am more than ready for him.

Update August 6, 1998- I still have not heard from John, thank goodness, and my son will start kindergarten next week...I have been off from work now for almost a month due to an on-the-job injury to my shoulder, and although it hurts, I am glad to have had this little bit of extra time to spend with Jon Jon...he is doing so well, he is in karate now and has his first tournament on Saturday...I am so proud of him, and the person he is rapidly growing up to be...and I will NEVER, EVER risk ruining his fragile little psyche with having to deal with his biological dad...you may agree or disagree with me, that is your option, but some people do not deserve contact with their children...and John is one of those people, point blank.
Update, October 8th, 1998 -- Well where do I start? I am still home from work on assault leave, my shoulder injury worsened, numbness in my arm and hand...so they sent me to an orthopedist (after much insistence and arguing on my part) and an MRI was done. The orthopedist suspects that the assault caused herniated discs in the cervical region. I have a follow-up appointment tomorrow to find out whether or not I will have to have surgery. I also have learned that I have Epstein-Barr and Lupus. I am to see a specialist about that tomorrow as well. I also have separated from my husband, Ricky. We had gotten to the point where we simply could not even be nice to each other--I needed a home for my son & me, and he would not prioritize to accomplish that. We are all doing better physically and emotionally with more space to live in, to breathe in! Jon Jon is doing so well in Kindergarten, he makes almost all 100's! He has some problems, as they assure me all Kindergarteners do, with "keeping his hands & feet to himself" and "respecting others" (not talking all day! :D ) His teacher compliments his creativity, imagination, and his ability to learn things quickly; I, of course, am puffed up like a big peacock! Ricky and I make sure he spends as much time with Ricky as possible, and Ricky helps a whole lot with picking him up, etc. Jonathan seems to have come through this transition very well. He loves having his own room again, with bunkbeds, so that his bestest friends Andy & Katie can spend the night a lot, and having his Sega, computer, and T.V. with his Disney Tapes. We have a kitten now, named Amber, black with hazel eyes...Jon Jon thinks she is the greatest thing ever!!! As for me....I worry about the future, with the diagnoses we know about and the ones we don't yet, I am lonely sometimes but revel in my space & private time in our little place in the woods. Enough for now.....I'll update again soon.

Update.... LONG Overdue......... February 11, 1999. WELL now....... let me take back some of the things I said on previous updates. I am now divorced, as of 2/2/99, and am now living in the North. "Wonderful" dad Ricky......... and he can sue me for slander all day long........ was not the great guy that he portrayed himself to be so very well. He has all but destroyed my son's mind. After moving to the little trailer in the woods, and Jon Jon gaining back some happiness, I began noticing that Ricky was acting strange... obsessive towards us both.... and then Jon Jon began acting strangely too. All of a sudden, he didn't like karate any more...... when before, he had taken such great pride in it...... he made his orange belt, at the age of 5......and I had been letting Ricky take him to karate since they both seemed to want that, although previously I had always been the one to take him, unless I was sick. Then one day a friend gave me a videotape, which I still have in my possession, of a karate session that Ricky took him to. The tears spurted from my eyes uncontrollably as I watched my son being tortured.....berated by his "loving" step-father as he tried, over and over, to get the steps just right..... getting knocked flat on his back by a large kid...... crying, getting back up, bravely trying to keep sparring....with Ricky yelling at him to stop that crying.......making him stand with his nose pressed to the wall when my 5 year old child began finally crying hysterically and begging to be taken home to Mommy.........oh my gosh, there are no words invented to describe the pure rage and horror I felt at that moment. I immediately called ricky and demanded an explanation. Of course, "I" was "blowing it all out of proportion". I demanded that he come over right then, while my sister was there to "mediate", and Jon Jon was asleep, to explain himself and his actions, and to learn exactly what MY rules were for any further contact. He refused. Incredulously I said "What?" He said he was too TIRED and had a HEADACHE. HA! I reiterated, to make sure that the "loving" dad that "just couldn't go on without Jon Jon in his life" thoroughly understood me, that if he did not come over (a distance of about 6 miles) immediately that he would have no further contact with Jon Jon. Then the real Ricky put in an appearance. He began ranting and raving that he had a headache, and wasn't going anywhere, he was tired of me always having my way, etc........and that he was gonna "take care of me for good" since he was so sick and tired of me. At that point, with threats being made, I handed the phone to my sister. He then proceeded to grow even more threatening with her, and finally we gave up, hung up, and called the police. I was able to obtain a temporary restraining order due to his threats. Now... to make a very long story a little shorter.. I will summarize the rest. Need a bathroom break? Some coffee maybe? Now would be a great time for that........ OK. First let me say, at least in the state of Tennessee, restraining orders aren't worth the paper they are printed on......unless you are already injured or dead. Then they may have a pretty good idea who did it. Yes, I am bitter.... do you have any idea how many women and children are dead or injured by men that they had restraining orders against? The figures are staggering. My home was broken into, by him, nothing was done. We were harrassed... nothing was done. Etc,.. I could go on forever. The warrant officer that wrote the temp restraining officer was the biggest jerk I have seen in many years, with the exception of my now-ex-husband. He treated me like dirt, and I can now see why so many women feel trapped..... they cry out for help and are treated shabbily, if they are even believed. Thank goodness for my mom and sister, they did stand behind me once they figured out that Mr. Perfect was all an act. You see, for several years, I had been very careful not to tell anyone on the face of the earth that Ricky was abusing me. I thought he only abused me...... I knew he was too strict on Jon Jon, and I constantly rode his butt about that, even if it earned me a slap or a nice handful of my hair yanked out. But Jon Jon seemed to worship him, and vice versa.... so I stupidly thought that he was at least treating Jon Jon ok. Now I know that ever since OUR WEDDING DAY, he was verbally and emotionally abusing my son........I could quote things he told my son that would curl your hair...... but then my BP goes skyhigh, and suffice to say, it was things like this..... on my wedding day, under the pretense of taking my then 3 year old boy to the bathroom, he took his little head between both his hands, and picked him up to his eye level...... about 6 feet off the ground... and shook him, telling him that he would obey ever word that he said or that he would break every single bone in his body.....and that if he told me, he would kill him and Mommy too. My beautiful, brave child.... he lived with this and many, many other things bottled up inside for 2 years...... now the stories of things Ricky did spew forth from Jon Jon's mouth freely. Threatened him that he would take a knife and slit Mommy;s throat from ear to ear. Etc. Anyway, I had to remove Jon Jon from school. He wouldn't leave me, night or day. He stayed in a state of pure fear that Daddy was going to kill us. I lost my job due to being unable to leave him and go to work. Thanks a lot, Ricky----- we owe you so much......my son's sanity and security...lost now, thanks to you......my career, down the tubes.......I am now starting all over in the North East United States, with a permanent restraining order decreed by the judge, thank goodness I have some true friends....and some family that loves me dearly..... amny women aren't so lucky. In time, with counseling, love, and distance, I believe Jon Jon will recover. As for me........ at least I am free of him. My emotional status is poor to say the least. But.. I am alive, as is my son, and there is a light at the end of the tunnel. So many women and children aren;t that lucky. Check back on this site, I am beginning a domestic and child abuse project that will hopefully help women that find themselves in situations that I have now experienced. Thanks for reading my blather. :o)

You know, I had no idea that there were so many other women out there like me, abused in the past, but now trying to help in any way possible to stop abuse in any form. If there is someone reading this story now that needs help, please email me or sign my guestbook. I will listen and give you moral support, or whatever you need.
If you have comments or suggestions, email me at

Select a Page Below And Click On "Go!" To Get There!

Background by me...EDesigns.