A New Beginning
Where journeys begin is never as important as where they end. Some, like me, begin the journey with no end in sight. The road is, well, just "ahead", waiting to be travelled. The road presented itself to me when I was eight or so, and I took the bait. Go to
this page for more on this. Some journeys involve many different forks in the road. I wanted to know early on in life what life was all about. "Life" presented me many options, opinions, and ideas. Hinduism was interesting. I liked Buddhism even more. The one I perhaps got into the most was something I don't remember the name of, but included humming chants to call up my "other - worldly" helper. This belief system even used Jesus Christ as a member of its hierarchy! But somewhere along the way all of these things just didn't do anything. I think it was because I had to work so hard at whatever it taught I had to do to understand their meaning of life. Perhaps it's because the gravest underlying personal problem/challenge I had then was laziness. This is much to the chagrin of those "you have to work for it" belief systems. Nonetheless, the journey did begin. But circumstances came about that brought the search to a stand still. Read on.
I think the journey came to a stand still when I began smoking pot ("smoking dope" is what we called it - kinda lends to its stupidity, doesn't it?). When that was I won't say. But it does suffice to say that by becoming numb, whatever method you choose, should indicate that you possess inside yourself the yearning for deeper meaning - which, by "becoming numb", allows you to ignore. Why do people (kids especially) steep themselves in drugs, alcohol, and sex? Because there is a supernatural mechanism inside each of us that yearns to know the Truth and we get sick and tired of listening to it, so we seek to shut it off. And shut it off I did - for years. Until my own personal hell crept up to my door, knocked, and forced its way in. Keep reading.
Life can present a person with many "unforseens". These things come in many forms and sometimes in groups. I think the groups are the worst. Like huge waves smashing you continually down, unforseen circumstances can really strike us hard. 1989. What a year that was. Roosevelt said it best about the attack on Pearl Harbor in 1941 - the day (in my case the year) will live in infamy. I had been having marital problems as it was. Then my father died after a year or so of battling cancer. Only a couple of months later I was separated and without a good job. Big waves crashing down. The first one cut me up. The second not only hit hard, it filled my open wounds with its salt. Does that sound bad? It really was. When the tide finally rolls back out you find yourself standing there - battered, in pain, wondering, waiting. Realities begin to surface that are the last thing you really feel like dealing with, much less facing at all. So what's a poor soul to do? Next chapter, please.
They say it is darkest just before the dawn. I hadn't reached that point yet. The realities were too harsh, so I sought shelter in the numbness of a bottle. I had at least acquired a job that would support me - driving a truck. But I went on a special diet as well. I began a pattern of having what are called "boilermakers" (Jack Daniels Whiskey and Beer) as a staple in my daily diet. The other staple was Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream. Literally that is all I "ate" for months. Now it was dark. Darkness of suicidal thoughts, lostness, and pain. It was time for the dawn. It was time for a rope to pull me out of the pit. I have to say, though, that there came one reason for me to keep going, one thing to keep me getting up in the morning. A young woman. Someone that for some reason kept coming back. Someone really just looking to share their own pain with. Not verbally, just in the bottle. She really was all I had to give reason to my life at that point. She was the rope without knowing it. Dawn was yet to come. And it did.
Sometimes, if you look back, you can see that the journey continued even without you knowing it. If you are fortunate enough to find yourself swept away by the Truth, you realize it never was "your" journey, but rather a path Someone beyond you has had you on. I can look back at my life and "see" instances when that Someone came knocking at my "door" and I failed to open up to Him. Once through a fellow student standing in the driveway outside the house of a high school party. Another time years later through a stranger at the apartment pool jacuzzi. The comforting thing is that, in my failures to respond, He was always there. He has always been there, seeking after me. He seeks after you, too, you know.
So dawn broke one day. I was headed back to the depot for the day. I had been searching the truck radio for a station with some music. I spinned the dial and at the same moment had to take hold of the steering wheel with both hands. The dial stopped. It stopped on a Christian radio station broadcasting at that moment Pastor Greg Laurie preaching on the parable of the sower. I had NEVER heard anything like this in my life. The Pastor had gotten to the explanation of the parable (Matthew 13). He spoke of the different soils the gospel is sown upon (the different hearts that hear the gospel). I remember feeling strange that somehow I understood everything he was saying. Then the Pastor asked what kind of soil (condition of the heart) the gospel was at that moment falling upon. He gave an invitation for me (and any other listener) to turn my life over to Jesus Christ. In tears as I parked the truck back at the depot, I did just that. Did I hear angels sing? Did scales of doubt, pain and sinful habits fall from my person? No, not at all. No signs, no wonders. I just knew something REAL had just happened. But I was still stubborn. Something in me kept the dawn from really breaking.
Right now, as you read this, somewhere there is a war raging. It rages and souls are lost. Bullets fly, bombs explode. Do you hear any of it? See any of it? Maybe, I hope, not. But the warfare still rages on, whether you hear, see, or even acknowledge it.
Spiritually speaking, this is incredibly true for each and everyone of us as well. A battle rages over our souls. One side tugs against the other for control. Control of us. And do you want to know the sad part? It is ultimately our vote, our choices that decide the fate of each battle. Oh, for some of us, we Christians, the war was won at the cross, but the enemy hasn't given up and is still given permission to give it his best shot.
Unknown to me that weekend, the enemy was fighting hard. When we got to our hotel room, as always, I scouted everything out before relaxing. There on the desk, more than likely left by some diligent Kingdom worker, I found a little devotional - Radio Bible Class' DAILY BREAD.
I had never seen ANYTHING like this before (sound familiar?). It had three months of daily devotions in it. It had the month of May - my birthday month. I flipped to my birthday and read. I was amused, nothing more. I continued flipping to the last page. There was an extra page because of the odd number of days in the month. So they printed an excerpt from another booklet. Behind the words was a watermark of a cross. The paragraphs asked me to look at the cross. They told me it was I who belonged on the cross, not Jesus. It explained what Jesus had done for me on that cross.
Right away I knew it. And I couldn't shake its truth. So you know what I did? The thing I always like to do after we get settled in a hotel room - go to the store and get snacks. Know what I bought? Yep - a bottle. Jack Daniels? Nope. 90 proof gin - a whole fifth of it. Know what I did the whole weekend? Tried unsuccessfully to drown the truth. Know what? YOU CAN'T DO IT!
Sometime in the following days I gave in. Christ led me into my own desert. Every waking moment not at work I spent with my nose in my new Bible, studying, asking God questions which, in His Word, He answered. I bought references, commentaries to help me to understand the incredible mysteries unfolding right before me in my very own hand. While driving my truck I struggled to take notes as Pastor after Pastor made claims in their sermons on the radio that I would then go home and check for myself. I fell in love for the first time - with the Creator of the universe. He taught me to love my wife as I had never loved anyone before. He answered 20 years of questions. And He continues to answer them today. He has blessed me in ways I could never begin to relate.
Is life easy, is it peachy? No. It remains difficult. It remains full of hardship and pain. But the difference is, He is a part of it. I can, and do, live with purpose. Does that mean I'm doing wonderful, self - sacraficial things for others? Sometimes - maybe. I still have a long way to go with that. No, the purpose I have is a purpose conceived in the mind and heart of Almighty God. WE are His purpose - you and I. Some of us are fortunate enough to "see" it. I have security knowing my future rests in His hands, and not in my own hands. Everyday continues to be a new beginning. It can be for you as well.
A couple of weeks or so went by. And to tell you the truth, I don't remember much about it. But then came my wife and mine's first wedding anniversary (yep - I married that young woman - my rope). I took her to a rather posh country style hotel for the weekend. Now, a word about warfare.
