Welcome To My Journal
2/14/04 (1:26PM) - It's Valentine's Day. This is a day that never really meant much to me. People get all caught up in finding a date when they really should use that energy year round to let folks know how they really feel. I guess if you read my story in a book somewhere you would say that I was a lonely guy. But I ain't. I choose to be alone on holidays like this because the people or type of people I would like to spend holidays with don't exist. I am sure they are out there. But for now..it's just me chilling. School: I got a C in the minimester course. The professor was jacked. She would come in and damn near berate us for not having a proper high school education. I couldn't wait until that ordeal was over. It fucked up my GPA but I did what I needed to do. I am well into Spring semester now. I have some good professors this go around. There is this one joker though, he didn't get his book until this past Monday. He kept borrowing the text from someone in class to teach the lecture. He didn't even have a lecture prepared. I already have little respect for this guy but maybe I will learn something anyway. More than likely, I will end up dropping the course. Campus: It seems like there are more cutties on campus this semester. Bold cutties. Cutties that stare you in your face while other people are looking, cross your path on purpose and smile at you like men should smile at women. I ain't put off by the brashness. I am just wondering if all this was going on last semester and I just didn't catch it. Work: I am doing a work study this semester with the VA. The work is easy and the boss is laid back. He's one of those white guys that needs to be right and in charge. So I let his ego roam freely. I think he knows who he's dealing with though. So we got that mutual respect shit going on. Family: My grandmother got a clean bill of health about two weeks ago. The lumb is non-cancerous at this point. Moms is chilling. The deal fell through with the cousin that was building the house. I think she got swindled but I haven't talked to her to confirm that yet. But based on my mom's version of the story it stands true. My cuz down in southern MD is expecting a baby. He hasn't told me yet but the gossipping aunts told me. I will allow him to tell me when he wants to. News: The biggest news as of late has been that of a tittifying nature. Janet Jackson performed during the superbowl halftime and her tit was exposed during the performance. The media is spending so much time on this story that it's sickening. Outside of that, Colin Powell stated in an interview that he wouldn't have gone to war had he known what he knows now. This obviously is not good for the Bush administration. Bush also is being investigated regarding his military duty. Some of his service records can't be located and the media is insinuating that he never did the time. Knowing him, he got over like he has the majority of his life. Social Life: I met this one cat, I'll call him PM for the same of the journal. He was coming to Bmore for two weeks to support his family. We made plans to hang out part of that time. He was cool beans and if he were stationary in town I would consider getting next to him. Being that he's miles away I am not going to put too much energy or thought into that. It was a good thang for that time frame. Friends: I have managed to keep distance of those that I cut off a few weeks ago. I see one cat on campus but usually I see him and he doesn't see me. So that works out for now. Other stuff: I talked to one of my sisters today. We joked about how old we are now. That had me thinking about what I am going to do for my 30th birthday. I think I am still going to take the cruise but I want to do something with my friends and family. I am on a tight budget so I can't see how I am going to do all of this and not go completely broke behind it. If that's the only big deal in my life I guess I am doing ok. Finance: This past month has been trying. I think my funds have been near to none and somehow I am still getting from day to day with a smile on my face. Sometimes I think it's my faith only that fuels me. I surely don't tell my troubles to my friends or family. They don't expect me to have any. Even when I say I do they don't really believe me or something in their mind says "he'll be fine". I guess they are right cause I am very self-governing and independent. I was down to eating oodles of noodles and saw nothing wrong with that. Other people would complain for days about having to eat like that. But I do what I have to do because I see the goals set out in front of me. Sacrifice is a small price to pay for just a taste of your own dreams
1/9/04 (10:05PM) - Regular people aren't sitting at their computers making journal entries on a Friday night. But I don't have the desire to be in the streets. It's cold and people are really on my nerves. I am sure it's me but it is what it is. School: Minimester started on Monday. Already I have gotten bad vibes from three of the people in the class. I think I draw the haters. Some of the women can't stand me cause I look better than them and the guys can't deal with a guy that looks like he respects himself (non-hoodratlike). Then again, it could be me having a snobby way about me. It's probably them though. Ha! I asked the professor what she thought about Bush's proposal for Mexican workers (illegal) and one subject led to another. This one chick piped in and decided to disagree with every word that came out of my mouth. She proceeded to over speak me and at that point I knew I had an ignorant Bmore naive on my hand. I just stop acknowledging her voice, body and life and turned my focus back on the professor. The professor brought the voice of reason to the discussion and I made up my mind that I would ignore the trick with the weave for the rest of the Minimester...just to keep my high blood pressure down. I don't have a problem with people disagreeing with me. If anything, I rather people have an opinion. But it's important to respect others and the differences we all bring to the table. Sometimes I learn more from stupid people than I do from the "so-called" educated. So this chick just so happened to teach me more this week than Chapter 1 of our text. I am thankful and resentful towards the cunt. Before the class is out and over I will put her face in the mud. I know me. I recognize she has unspoken personal issues with me. It was in her words and eye movements. But she'll have to feel the burden of her own venom. I don't plan to carry it around so the score must be evened. Certifiable cunt she is. Love Life: I met this young man just before Christmas rolled around. For journal's sake, I will call him YC. Can you say self-centered? A friend of mine told me a few years ago that we are always meeting "self". I guess in some way the things that bother me about others is either malfunc in me or at some point I displayed the very same behavior that bothers me now. YC is a beautiful young man, smart and all that jazz. But for some reason I don't feel like he would stimulate me or be into me the way I would want him to be. I have purposely not called him to give myself time to think about what I really want from him. I want to make sure this is a healthy situation and right now it appears that getting with him is not a good move for me. For him it would probably be just ideal. Either way, I doubt I will be making any more entries about him. I almost put an end to things tonight. So the scales are leaning to the favor of "no-no-no". Home: I finally moved. I ended up getting a place of my own. The deal with the one guy that I had decided to room with fell through. The apartment management gave me the run around and waited until Christmas Eve to tell me that I was approved for the move-in. At that point I had already put the deposit down on this place. I let him (potential roomie) know what my alternative plans were step by step so he wasn't feeling completely abandoned. I am not sure why it would take two weeks to clear my application but I know it took them less than three days to clear that deposit check. Trifling. I think these people try their best to keep certain blacks out of their community and this one chick didn't work to hard in hiding that. Either way, where I am now was my best option. It's got a mice issue but I don't know too many places this close to the harbor that don't. The adventure of meeting potential roomies was fun at times. The characters I met left permanent imprints on me. I needed a different type of stimulation to get me through semester end and I think my room search did the trick. Holidays: I spent the bulk of my holiday packing and throwing away stacks and stacks of paper. I really didn't want to be around people during the holidays so things worked out for me. I made a few phone calls to my family for Christmas and New Years. I was hoping to have spent New Years with YC but he was off with his friends in NY. Odd thing, he asked me not to have sex until he got back. But I didn't get a call the day he got back in town. I thought to myself "why am I making promises like this to someone that can't consider me". He fell out of grace with that bullshit and I got my nutt the second day he was back in town...without him. I think I am supposed to be talking about the holidays but that little bit just came to mind. Ha! The News: I thought after Saadam's capture that we would have found out some major info. As of yet, the American public can't see any evidence of that. They are probably beating the shit out of his ass though. I somewhat feel sorry for the guy. But if I said that publicly folks would probably think I was crazy. Family: My mom appears to be in good spirit. My grandma found a lump in her breast. Now knowing her, she would object to surgery or radiation treatment, if it turns out to be cancer. I will put her in my prayers. Whatever the outcome, she has lived for 82 years and I think she is happy with who she has become. My mom told me that my sister bought her second Lexxus the other day. For a minute I had to question if I was supposed to feel jealous or something. But I wasn't. I used to get excited over material gain. Now it's like "whateva" with me. She could be pushing a tricycle and I would still know her as my sister. But the tone in my mom's voice was search for something. I didn't have that something to give her. My other sis got married again. I think this is her third trip and I hope this one is the "one". I haven't met the gent but I did get the chance to talk to him during Thanksgiving holiday. My favorite cousin is buying a home in Atlanta. Now she has truly come a long way from the hoochie I thought she was gonna be. My family appears to be doing well so prayers are being answered. Work: I need a job but I am putting more energy into volunteer projects that will get my name in the network. I don't know if this is a good thing for "right now" but I know it needs to be done. I start a volunteer project on Monday with the circuit courts. The young lady that is bringing me on is so laid back that it may trip me if I ain't careful. Either way, I should learn something valuable and get out of the house for the rest of the month. Friends: I am undergoing a major self-evaluation and my surroundings too. Those who don't know how to return friendship are being tossed. I am giving folks respect and demanding it back. This may have something to do with me turning 30. Who ever is left when May 2nd rolls around will go with me to my grave. The rest can sit back and take notes on "how to be a friend". My latest example of this was the day of my move. I had several people tell me that they would help out. I gave them the date and time ahead of time...and some got the info weeks ahead. I reminded everyone the evening before by phone. Some I had to leave voicemails. But either way, the message was relayed again. The people that I was really counting on didn't show. The people I didn't think would show...did. I really had to step back and evaluate my friends and myself. I knew this shit was important to me and I couldn't figure out for the life of me why they didn't think it was important. Some didn't even call with their excuse for not showing up, they just caught me online asking, "how was the move". I was like, "the fucking nerve". People have become so weak-minded that it disgusts me. The concept of friendship in this area is definitely not what I know from my upbringing. But I don't know if I can even blame it on Maryland. I think I let people value me for less than I am. No more of that bull shit. If I can recognize their worth they better mother fucking recognize as well. I ain't a second priority or an afterthought. I think the least any of these losers could have done was called. If I had just gotten a call from them saying "hey I can't make it" or "hey I don't have he energy for this"...I could have taken that better than the blatant disregard. This shyt has me in "fuck'em" mode. I will remain kosher but I have made it clear to all of them that they have fell out of grace. Some think I think too much of myself. Maybe I do. But if you are a friend of mine that means I think just as much of you, would even die for you. So if you can't be there for me there is something wrong with that picture and apparently I am the only one that has enough guts to fix it.