THE WITZELSUCHT MEMORANDUM "Where Quality is One Job"
Late February '99 -- CULTURE WAR OVER!!! WE WON!!!
Last Tuesday, PAUL WEYRICH, conservative leader, founder of the "new right" movement and the Heritage Foundation, coiner of the term moral majority, wrote an OPEN LETTER to his constituency, admitting defeat in the "culture war." He moans that following the Senate's impeachment aquittal of the Horndog-in-Chief, the moral are no longer the majority, and the Bad Guys have won. "A cultural collapse of historic proportions," he calls it.
That open letter was nothing less than a document of unconditional surrender in the great battle for our souls that has rent the nation for over thirty years. And we accept. Here's WIT MEMO's OPEN LETTER TO PAUL WEYRICH.
DEAR MR. WEYRICH,
ON behalf of the Forces of Darkness, the Barbarians at the Gate, the Mongol Hordes, the disciples of Beavis and Butt-head and Busta Rhymes, on behalf of MTV and multiculturalism, Madonna and Moral Relativism, Jerry Springer and Jock Sturges, on behalf of the acolytes of self esteem, secular humanism, and Stone Cold Steve Austin . . . on behalf of your foes, your enemies, your vanquishers, your conquerors, those who have bested you in battle and brought you bloody to your knees . . . The WITZELSUCHT MEMORANDUM hereby ACCEPTS your UNCONDITIONAL SURRENDER in the great culture war of the late twentieth century.
Thanks for having enough sense to wake up and smell the coffee, and for having enough guts to do the Right Thing.
NOW: clear out of that Shining City On The Hill ASAP. Make tracks, you're eighty-sixed. Move your crap out of the Mansion In The Sky, and leave the Keys to the Kingdom in an envelope under the mat. Be gone by the time we get there. But first, there's some repairs you'll have to take care of:
First off, the living quarters will need some MAJOR renovation . . . We can't abide that traditional "master" bedroom family values layout. Our family arrangements are a bit less traditional, menage-a-whatever; why, you might even say we're pretty much bent on destroying the family . . . at least when we're not too tuckered out from promoting the homosexual agenda. And you'll need to redo the kids' rooms. Our schools don't have walls, and our kids don't need limits. Clear it with all of us, 'cause you know what they say: It takes a Village to raise a child. A Village of lesbian wiccan anarchists, shaman semioticians, white guilt trippers, trilateral tort lawyers, poststructuralist performance artists, and breakdancing professors of gender victimization studies. But Hey . . . if we're doing something wrong, then how come our kids know more HTML than you do?
Now on to the grounds. Clear out all your barrels of toxic waste and industrial run-off muy pronto so we can get a head start on our organic hemp crop. Take down all emblems of your hierarchical, patriarchal, opiate-of-the-masses Western religions; your days of cracking on our woods goddesses, our holistic dibbuks, demons, nymphs and succubi are long gone. And oh, by the way, an architect came out, and she said the foundation is unstable and needs to be replaced. Turns out, it's built on ashes. The ashes of exploited, enslaved, and exterminated native cultures. What could you have been thinking?
Then head down to the rec room -what you called the library- and clear the shelves of all those dolorous moldy old tomes by that played-out bunch of moldier dead European white males . . . Shakespeare, Schmakespeare -they can't decide if it was even him! Thousand-year-old Greeks and Italians who didn't even speak Italian. Face it, the written word is on its way out, except for government warning labels and web page links. So replace those volumes with videos. Inclusively cast videos, featuring peoples and pathos from all cultures and colors, in which women have autonomy and positions of authority. And, huge knockers.
Make PLENTY o'room for the Big Screen. Maybe YOU think that "some people are getting rid of their televisions," but we don't buy it . . . just yesterday Sen. CONRAD BURNS (R-Mont.) said in the POST that he's had more complaints about the removal of Fox and CBS from satellites than about any other issue. We'll lay dollars to donuts that those folks you know who are "getting rid" of their TVs are just trading up. And anyway, without TVs how could we have seen those Harry and Louise ads? C'mon, you know we're right on this one. Tell us you'd rather sit through the Marriage of Figaro than Married With Children. We'd sooner believe BILL CLINTON on that score.
Don't get us wrong: we have for you nothing but the utmost regard. We know that you're no small fry bit player, no BRENT BOZELL or JEFFREY EISENACH. You're the whiz himself, the brains of the operation, the guy who told JERRY FALWELL to call his outfit the MORAL MAJORITY . . . by the way, was it also you who suggested he say that God doesn't hear the prayers of Jews? Just wondering.
You were a formidable foe. So formidable that we were downright surprised when word of your Surrender got round, more so once we read your letter and discovered that it wasn't Dionysus that did you in, it was nothing other than that ole' bugaboo POLITICAL CORRECTNESS (you used that phrase four times). That knocked us for a loop. 'Cause it seemed like you guys were mostly winning the PC skirmish. I mean, jeez, there's a hit TV show called "POLITICALLY INCORRECT," funny man JACKIE MASON had a smash one-man turn on Broadway by the same name a few years back, and just this Monday LAURA INGRAHAM (or one of those cookie-cutter blonde neocon pundtwits, I forget which one) boasted her refusal to knuckle under the awful forces of PC . . . For every one person who's ever actually urged us to be politically correct there's been a few hundred loudly proclaiming their refusal to be politically correct, as though it was a bold and original stand. Come to think of it, outside of some shopworn anecdotes about college campus hotheads, we can't recall ANYONE ever urging us to be politically correct. An AltaVista search just now for "politically incorrect" turned up 19,556 pages, and of the few we looked at, NONE were against it. Refusing to be politically correct has became politically correct. And it was all just a bluff, something we threw at you with a bunch of other ploys just to see what would stick . . . kinda like at Midway when first the dive bombers got hammered but then the torpedo planes got through and broke the back of the Japanese navy . . . or was it the torpedo planes, and then the dive bombers? We forget. (We saw that on the Discovery Channel . . . see, TV's not ALL bad!) But never in a million years did we dream that PC would carry the day. But hey, if you wanna surrender, we're not gonna try to talk you out of it.
Actually, it's probably good for everyone that you decided to fold up your tents and go home when you did. We were a little puzzled by your observation in your letter that some of the folk who feel the way you do "are setting up private courts, where they can hope to find justice instead of ideology and greed." Maybe it's just us, but the notion of "private courts" sounds a little scary. Didn't the Freemen have private courts? And other wacko groups of the Tax Rebel-Posse Comitatus-Aryan Nation-Elohim City stripe? Sounds like your surrender didn't come a moment too soon!
Hey, no hard feelings. You'll do fine. We'll hang out. We'll treat you to Wrestlemania and sink a few cold ones. We're just sorry that now you're afraid you'll be "immediately branded as 'racist', 'sexist,' 'homophobic', 'insensitive', or 'judgmental'" if you dare "approach the truth on a lot of different subjects." If by that you mean you can't tell your EARL BUTZ jokes or do "historical" minstrel reenactments at lodge meetings, well, most of that stuff really wasn't funny, not the way you guys were doing it. But try to look at the bright side: at least now you can say "niggardly" all you want, and, we can all STILL tell jokes about . . . about . . . white folk. Rednecks. Like, what's the definition of an Arkansas virgin? Any girl that can run faster than all her brothers! See? You're feeling better already!
Yours trulyThe Witzelsucht Memorandum
ALSO in this WIT MEMO-???? FOR PRESIDENT?
BOB SMITH for President?!? Who? John Smith? John Doe? Bob Doe? Bob Dole? Oh, he can be President. Aside from the fact that nobody's heard of him, his state paper won't take him seriously, he's elected to wear a comb over of truly awe-inspiring breadth (what ELSE does he think he's hiding from us?), his eerie resemblance to the kind of corrupt windbag politicians PAT HINGLE plays in movies, and the fact that he looks like he fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down -- why, we don't see any reason at all why he can't be President!!
WIT MEMO BOOK REVIEW
WE REALLY CAN'T BLAME AMAZON.COM . . . it said clearly right there at their site that OY VEY! THE THINGS THEY SAY! A Book of Jewish Wit -- the book MONICA gave BILL -- was tiny, with physical dimensions of "0.42 x 3.84 x 3.27" inches. I just didn't bother to read the small print, and was consequently shocked when it tumbled almost unseen out of the box, lost amid the normal sized books I'd ordered. It's minuscule. It's so small that BETTY CURRY coulda hid it in her compact. It's one of those tiny books they have by the cashiers in Borders or Barnes and Noble; usually, they're about LEONARDO DICAPRIO or one or more SPICE GIRLS. The upscale version of the Globe Mini-Mags at the Supermarket check-outs. With a genuine, tiny hardcover and 79 slick, thick, coffee-table-book pages, each with with 2-3 witty bon mots ranging from serious to schtick from prominent Chosen Ones like RODNEY DANGERFIELD, DOROTHY PARKER, ALBERT EINSTEIN, LENNY BRUCE, GROUCHO MARX, WOODY ALLEN, ANN LANDERS, GERTRUDE STEIN, GOLDA MEIR, JERZY KOSINSKI, JACKIE MASON, and, of course, HENNY YOUNGMAN -- as well as the occasional "Jewish Proverb." There's some real classics here, like PHILIP ROTH's poignant observation that a Jewish man whose parents are alive is a 15-year-old boy, and will remain a 15-year-old boy until they die. I looked especially for sayings that might have some particular relevance to Peckergate; the best I came up with was Chico Marx's "I wasn't kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth." A respectable effort, considering the genre. The book's big shortcoming is its size; it's difficult to thumb through and is absolutely lost on any bookshelf; better you should hold out for one of the weightier collections of Jewish wit (and there's plenty out there). Also, I was puzzled to find the several FOOD references stuck in the "On Being Jewish" chapter for lack of a better place . . . how could a book of Jewish commentary not have a separate category for food? Es, Es, Mon Kind!!
WIT MEMO NAILS IT AGAIN
LAST MONTH: WIT MEMO ridicules imminent candidacy of former Vice President and national laughingstock DAN QUAYLE, noting that his greatest accomplishment is his "claim that he got a raw deal in a public war of words with a fictional TV character."
THIS WEEK: the QUAYLE campaign and pollster KELLYANNE FITZPATRICK, quoted in the HOTLINE, hail the Murphy Brown dust up as Dan Quayle's FINEST HOUR. Which proves our point.
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