You should have a firm grip, without holding it too hard. You'll know if you are holding it too hard by the pain you start to feel after playing a little while. Basically, you want just enough pressure so that it wont go flying away when you play it, but it should be loose enough to flop around in your fingertips.
Here comes the hard part! Facing the tipper to the drum skin so that you can play it. Still holding it like a pencil, You need to turn you wrist in at an almost 90 degree angle to your arm. Now, move your arm so that your knuckles are parallel to the skin. This should put the tipper at a 45 degree angle to the drum skin. If this all went well, then keep going. If not, and if you can't seem to figure it out, Stop! Send me an e-mail, tell me what you are doing, and I'll try and help you fix whatever you are doing wrong.
How To Play.....It's all down hill from here! I want you to move the drum away for a second, but keep your hand where it is. Now you have an open area to practice swinging. The motion is simple, using just you wrist (for now), move the tipper and your hand together in an upward swing. This motion should create a half arch going toward your chin, and proceeding in the direction of your right ear (lefties make appropriate adjustments). Now, from that position, swing down the way you came up. This should make an arch that passes your belt buckle, and goes until it is above your right pants pocket (lefties adjust - and kilt wearers, look at someone who has enough sense to put trousers on so you can see where the pocket is).
That is the motion you want to use to play the Bodhran. You should notice that the peak of the arch is right where your drum skin should be. Yes, that is when you hit the drum - at the peak. Remember to only hit it at the peak (for this style), otherwise, it will very difficult to play jigs and reels and most everything else later on - not that it can't be done, but this is the easiest way- and the traditional way for this style. Now bring your drum back where it belongs, and practice the swing by just moving your wrist. When you feel more comfortable with it, you can start moving your arm with it to make the motion easier. If you try and start too early, you may lose the arch and hit the skin twice instead, and that really won't do much good later on.
For now it is best to forget about the top of the tipper. It is used for Triplets, and we'll get into later.
Practice is the only way to get comfortable with playing. So you start practicing, and I'll start working on the next section.