Why it's OK to be Gay

Contents 1. Introduction 2. Reasons why people are opposed to homo-sexuality 3. Arguments often used to oppose homo-sexuality 4. Your Sex Drive 5. Homosexuality and the Law 6. 'Coming Out' 7. Getting a Gay Social Life 8. Drugs 9. Finding a Partner 10. Gay Relationhips 11. Discrimination within the Gay community 12. Advertising this Site 13. Useful Links & other Resources Sign Guestbook View Guestbook

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• Physical; Using a punching bag or punching a pillow to release the anger bottled up inside (anger seems to be a very primal feature of our brain, which isn't too worried what you hit to gain release).
• Mental; Meditiation. For example, taking a few deep breaths and imagine you're breathing in white light through the top of your head and breathing out black negative energy through your feet, continue doing this until the light flowing out becomes white (to speed up the affect, try using your hands to help pull the light through your body).
• Changing a strongly held, but flawed belief or philosophy. See Discovering your True Self).

Below are some common (and poorly founded) reasons why people oppose homosexuality:

Misunderstood
They're not homosexual and can't see why others would want to be. Hopefully they can learn to "live and let live".

Morally Wrong
They are genetically homosexual, but have been taught it is wrong, by church, parents, school, friends etc.
The result being that they are fighting their natural predisposition, and hating anyone who would 'tempt' them to live according to their natural inclination. These people are often the most passionate opposers to homo-sexuality.

Bad Memories
They are genetically homosexual, but have been taken advantage of by a person of the same sex during their childhood, which they hated (e.g. rape, betrayal of trust). They wrongly associated their emotional pain with homosexuality.
Note that sexual mistreatment of children by some adults of the opposite sex also occurs.

Alleged Poor Parenting
Some parents taught that homo-sexuality is a result of a poor upbringing (often used by homophobic church leaders). So if their child is homosexual, it means they have failed as a parent. But inreality there are numerous contirbuting factors including, most impotranty, your unique set of genes.

Not Living up to your Parents' Aspirations Most parents want grandchildren, if 'their' children are homosexual they could miss an opportunity to be grandparents. Some also consider their children as property, a form of investment, even a play thing. But children much more important in society's eyes - they are adults that have not yet matured. Before we are born, our parents often map out our future, school, maybe college, career, marriage, offspring etc. The only thing left to chance is the sex of the baby, but now that can be checked. But we are not some invention they put together, some robot or slave. Our parents need to realize that we have a right to be free and happy, just as they do. Being Heterosexual to Support your Parents in their Old Age Unfortunately in some countries/provinces, couples are poor and rely on children and grandchildren for their survival; helping them farm and providing for them when they are too old to work the fields etc.. As a result, cultures have evolved that deny an individuals partner/sexual preference for practical reasons - it's an unfulfilling situation. When these families move to a better situation/country, they could let go of this facet of their culture. In doing so they free their children and themselves to pursue personal fulfillment with a partner of the same sex unhindered.

When Male Trickery Back-fires
Males in some cultures learn from older male role models that it is good for them to be self-centered and trick females to get their sexual desires met, discounting their subconscious need for love (maybe they've never experienced the feeling of love¹). As a result they lust after females, only valuing them for their appearance, treating them as pieces of meat to exploit/lust after. They have learnt that women don't think this way, but are generally more emotionally driven, so they try to capitalize on this by tricking them into thinking they care for them. When confronted with a male who is attracted to other males it back-fires; they quickly assume that they are being treated in the same lustful, belittling way as they treat women, and can quickly become violent (Note: some gay guys do have this way of thinking, but it's not common).

Religion
Christians, Jews and Muslims all have a foundation in the teachings of Moses and his followers. As a result they believe that their God disapproves of homosexual relationships. The Israelites probably opposed homosexuality for one or more of the following reasons:

1. Religions from neighboring populations condoned homosexuality, adultery, incest, bestiality, child sacrifice (see Leviticus chapters 18, 20). Like many opposing religions/countries/tribes of today, the Isrealites believed they had God on their side, and feared that to accept any of these practices, they would loose their God's favor, and not succeed in their fight to dominate the region. But to associate homosexual relationships with child sacrifice is quite unrealistic. One can be an expression of love, the other defies it. Hopefully you're in a civilised society, where there is no interest in seperate the population into tribes of difference.
2. Homosexual partnerships served no purpose for the tribe as a whole; they could not bear offspring, and therefore would reduce the potential size of the tribes, making them more vulnerable to attack.
3. Moses' tribe feared attack and wanted to raise males to be dominant and be good fighters. Sacrificing individual freedom of expression for the benefit of the collective.
4. They had previously been slaves to the Egyptians for over 400 years. As slaves, males may have had to be sexually submissive to Egyptians men. As a result a culture developed that associated sexual submisiveness with oppression.

Dictators out of Control
Males in general have a genetic tendency to dominate, some more so than others. In their quest to dominate they are keen to enforce their beliefs on others. But their beliefs may not be correct e.g. a male church leader may condemn homosexuality, popular music, and genetic engineering, even men with long hair and women with short hair, none of which are inherently anti-social.

1. Life is meant to be reproductive.
   Humans have a strong sex drive, way beyond what is needed to keep the human population sustained. Homosexuals represent less than 10% of the population and therefore won't be the cause of the extinction of the human race. People need to live and let live.
   Secondly, should heterosexual couples be tested to make sure they are fertile before they have a relationship? What about love. Like hetero-sexuality, homo-sexuality is more than reproduction, it's an expression of love for someone who just happens to be of the same sex.

2. A person becomes homosexual because he was sissy (or she was butch) when young or was molested by an adult.
   The majority of people are homosexual because they were born that way. Some boys may show feminine (or girls masculine) features as a result. They may sexually attract the attention of adult homosexuals (whether in or out of the closet, married or single). Likewise, some heterosexuals are attracted to young people of the opposite sex.
   "In the closet" means that a person secretly desires to be homosexual and may secretly have homosexual sex. These people:
   • may have a partner of the opposite sex (and may be married with children).
   • may be involved in religious organizations.
   Unfortunately, some adults do sexually molest children. Normally this is committed by males. Males have a genetic tendency to dominate and have a strong sex drive, mix these traits with some incorrect beliefs (e.g. "it's manly not to show affection", "it's manly to deceive" and "it's manly to bully others"), and maybe some unresolved issues from their childhood, and a child molester may result. By correcting people's belief system they can get their life in true perspective and loose interest in such anti-social activities (see Incorrect Belief Examples).

3. Homosexuals are sleazy and hang around public lavatories/toilets.
   Some males seek to have anonymous male-male sex in remote locations (known as 'beats') with strangers. This can be unhealthy;
   • mentally; encouraging them to be think lustfully; disconnecting their need for sex from their need for love/companionship.
   • physically; through the diseases they might catch in having unsafe sex, or by being beaten up by thugs that might arrive unannounced at the site.
   Some gay males do visit beats, and some of these are sleazy and lustful (just as some straight men are). But their sleazy and lustful characteristics are not related to their sexuality, but their mental state¹).
   In some areas, gay males visit beats because there is nowhere else to meet other homosexual males. See Finding a Partner for alternative ways of meeting gay people.

4. Homo-sexuality violates nature.
   Homo-sexuality is prevalent in mammals, especially the Bonobo chimpanzee, who have sex with anyone in their group (male or female) to diffuse a conflict. For more information see the Natonal Geographic website.

5. A bum isn't meant to be penetrated by a penis.
   Who dictates what particular parts of the body are meant for? We aren't born with instruction manuals. So providing we don't cause ourselves harm, it's OK. Like Chimpanzees (our closet relative) we are inquisitive creatures.
   If an adult's anus is massaged using a few fingers (short nails please) and water based lubricant until the two layers of muscle surrounding it relax, penetration by a penis isn’t painful. But make sure your partner cares for you and wears a condom, or else you might catch a life threatening disease.
   Note that when a male inserts his penis in an anus that is either unrelaxed or small, it is a very painful experience - the psychological affects on the other person can be dramatic, especially if it is their are young and its their first experience of anal intercourse. They can conclude that they liked being sexually aroused in that way, but when they let their guard completely down and trusted the other party, the other party inflicted severe pain on them. This can lead to some poorly founded negative beliefs and generalizations. For more information see Sexual Abuse.

6. Homosexuality is wrong because you can catch AIDS (HIV).
   Unlike smoking which in itself harms your health, you can have anal sex regularly and live a ripe old age, providing you and your partner doesn't sleep around.
   Because people catch AIDS (HIV) from anal intercourse more often than vaginal (whether it's a man's or woman's anus) does it make the action morally wrong? If you think it is, it must also be wrong for people to catch crowded trains, visit a mall etc., because they can catch lots of diseases (including life threatening ones) by being social. Also consider childen, they're immunized for polio, measles etc.. Is immunization avoiding the consequences of their wrongdoing (playing with other children)? Obviously disease has no bearing to whether an activity is good, bad or neutral.
   For details about sexually transmitted diseases see gay.com.

7. God made Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve.
   This phrase is joyfully quoted by many Christians. Since the premise is that God 'made' people, genetic quirks must also be made by God. Since homo-sexuality is genetic, God must have wished that a percentage of the human population should have same-sex partners. It would therefore follow that all faiths should condone same-sex marriages. Failing to do so would be going against God's will. The reality is that there was no Adam & Eve, we are not clones, we clearly aren't carbon copies of some male/female human prototype. Like the the common cold virus which we can see changing into a new variety every year, we are also variations on a theme.

   One of Jesus’ underlying themes was that to do the 'right thing', be based on three principles;

   1. firstly survival
   2. loving each other (being social).
   3. seeking wisdom
   Using these three principles we can see that unless our survival is threatened anti-social activities like theft, murder, rape, greed, slander, arrogance etc. are wrong, but providing no-one is being hurt; kissing and having sex with the same or opposite sex, is not wrong (since it is not anti-social).

   Jesus studied the Old Testament, and saw that religion at the time was superficial and not from the heart. He rebelled against the religious teachings of the time, including the literal text of the Old Testament (Mk 7:14, 10:5, 10:21). He put forward that people need to focus on love and avoid doing things that are against love. He looked beneath the superficial laws (Mark 2:27, 3:4). We can independently think about topics and do likewise.

   Note that the bible doesn't have a monopoly on the pursuit of virtue, non-Biblical philosophers like Zoroaster (Persia; 630-550 BC), Confucius (China; 551-497BC), Socrates (Greece; 470-400BC), Plato (Greece; 428- 347 BC) - all before the time of Jesus, have also made important contributions to personal freedom and civil society.

   Writers of the Biblical texts opposed homo-sexuality have caused a lot of harm to many generations of genetic homosexuals. A homosexual youth seeking to be good, ends up in the church being told he/she is bad because of the way he essentially is, marries a person of the opposite sex, and lives a life of unhappiness, or alternatively becomes a celibate priest/monk. This brain-washing, frustrating their need to give and receive love, is a hideous crime!

   Besides, the Christian Churches are selective in what bits of the Bible they use, they don't accept everything as useful. For example,

   Moses commanded "Do not wear clothing woven of two kinds of material" (Lev 19:19 NIV). Moses commanded that people shouldn't cross-dress (Deut 22:5), but it's OK these days for girls to wear jeans/slacks, which were traditionally men's clothing. Moses commanded "Do not cut the hair at the sides of your head or clip off the edges of your beard" (Lev 19:27 NIV) 1,470 years after Moses, Paul opposed him, commanding that men should cut their hair short (1 Cor 11:14-16). Now, 1,950 years after Paul, it's OK for Christian males to have their hair any length they like.

   Hopefully, before too long, the Christian Church will also accept homo-sexuality as not being a sin.

   So what exactly was Moses recorded as saying about homosexuality?
   "If a man lies with a man as one lies with a woman, both have done what is detestable. They must be put to death; their blood will be on their own heads" (Lev 20:13 NIV); He killed gays because of his personal dislikes, but didn’t want to be held responsible for it. He also killed a guy for collecting wood on the Sabbath day (Num 15:32-36) - Like most people who end-up with unchallenged power, he abused the privilege. Fortunately these days many of us live in democratic countries, making it possible to pressure for humane governments by protesting and voting for alternative parties.

   Jesus said to "Love one another", it seems to me pretty clear that he felt that love is good. When Paul talks of homosexuality he speaks of it as lust not love (lust meaning to desire a person's body; a sex object, with no concern for their feelings) (Rom 1:27, 1 Cor 6:9). We can lust after someone of the same or the opposite sex. Lust is not social, but love is. What sex the person you happen to love is, is irrelevant. Many people who hate homosexuals are suppressing their own homosexual predisposition, or are more concerned following others than thinking about the topic for themselves, a rare occurrence out there in the land of sheep and goats (Biblical pun). Hopefully you're neither a sheep (blindly following a preacher) nor a goat (blindly following someone else), but a free-thinking individual who's not satisfied with answers like "because it says so in the Bible".

   The Bible is a collection of books and letters selected by early Roman Catholic Church elders, and their inclusion into what became known as the Bible wasn't agreed upon until 367 years after Jesus' death. In 1534, Martin Luther decided that eleven of the Old Testament books weren't holy and left them out, producing the Protestants' Bible¹. So in following the texts of the Bible, we are putting our faith in the religious leaders who made these decisions. The reluctance of church officials to spontaneously accept biblical texts in the past casts serious doubts on their infallibility.

The "Age of Consent" for sex, is the age at which you are legally empowered to consent to have sexual intercourse, below that age your older partner is generally assumed to have had sex with you without your consent; you were in affect raped (statutory rape). The reason for having an "Age of Consent" probably stems from parents wanting to give their children the best chance in life - not having their progress in society cut short by naive sex and an accidental pregancy. Wanting them to first "come of age". After reaching their age of consent, children can hopefully fend for themselves and "loose their innocence"; knowing that some people are not as they seem, but are pursuing primal drives such lust, power, greed and jealousy with little interest the welfare of others¹ - unfortunately they may also seek to pursue such objectives.

The transition from childhood and adulthood, starts with the onset of our sex drive. The transition to adulthood varies among cultures, but it is generally defined as the time when individuals begin to function independently of their parents². A gray area exists between when we become sexual (from 11 y.o.) and when we reach maturity. The age of consent should be set at the time we naturally seek to express our sexuality which generally coincides with a desire to be independent, seeking to free ourselves from our parents' protectiveness (around 15/16 years old). Some kind of protective concession would be needed to permit sexual exploration during the gray period between when we become sexual and when we turn 15 or 16, as the exact point that we realize we are sexual beings varies. Fear, religion and bad experiences often interferes with our 'coming of age', some delay seeking a mate until they're 21 or so, others seek a life without any kind of sexual intimacy.

Prior to adolescence, children instinctively trust in adults - a survival instinct. But as adolescence comes on, they loose this blind trust and start questioning the intentions of adults - they become interested in finding their true nature, rather than the images adults may want them to see. Parents loose their infallible status - heated exchanges often follow. An age of consent aligned with adolescence gives youths the freedom they instinctively seek, and their new found skills in detecting intent gives them a reduced risk of being exploited by the cunning of predatory adults (see note 1 below).

Since we all develop in more or less the same stages, both the age of consent for gay or straight sex should be the same (especially since gay sex can't trigger an unwanted pregnancy). However, due to various poorly founded social pressures, the age of consent for homosexual sex, especially for males, is often much higher or even illegal at any age.

Check the law in your area for homosexual sex, see the Age of Consent for Sex: world-wide table. Regardless of how unreasonable Age of Consent laws are, you are subject to them, and may end up in jail if you are known to have had sex with someone who was under the age of consent at the time. If both you and your partner are under the age of consent you may not be breaking the law. If you feel anxious about how the law applies to you, check with your local gay community services or your state's Court House.

According to the world-wide table, the age of consent for male homosexual sex varies from there being no laws at all, to being totally illegal regardless of your age, with haphazard ages in between. But we are all the same species and go through the same stages of development at more or less the same time; it is quite ridiculous for there to be such variations. It only goes to show how poorly founded laws regarding sexuality are.

Hopefully, fair and equitable guidelines based on reason and not superstition will be put forward by the United Nations, and nations will adopt these as laws. Then there will be no variation from country to country or between states of the same country as appears to be the case in the USA and Australia. Consider a gay couple traveling on vacation; at present they could be spending more time in jail than on tour, how ridiculous!

There is some positive things already happening - the European Convention on Human Rights has been successful in pressuring European countries to equalize the ages of consent. The UK equalized the age of consent to 16 in November 2000, after the European Commission supported a young British man saying that the current age of consent in the UK was an infringement of the European Convention on Human Rights and seriously interfered with his right for his private life to be respected (Click here for more information).

For the age to be legally permitted to view pornographic material see the Pinkboard: Restricted Access.

²Reference: "Adolescence", Encarta Encyclopedia '98 © 1993-1997 Microsoft Corporation. All rights reserved.

• Do you have an unhealthy relationship with one of your parents (typically between mother and son)? During your childhood, one of your parents may have received little care and affection from their partner and sought it from you. Over time the companion bond which shouldn't be between parent and child grew stronger. You learnt how to please your parent's need for companionship. You've lived a double-life;
  • being a playful child with a loving student/teacher relationship with your parents (a healthy relationship for a child).
  • having an attentive companion relationship with one of your parents. Being in effect 'married' to that parent (an unhealthy relationship for a child).
  Now you are mature, you feel bound to the companion relationship with your parent;
  • Your parent is jealous of anyone who would takeover your stream of affection which would otherwise be directed to them.
  • You feel as if you would betray your parent if you did find a new companion.
  If you feel this is the case, you need to 'break-up' the companionship with your parent. You have a life to live, they need to find someone else to have as a companion. They may be very comfortable with the situation, but you are under a lot of mental stress in not confronting this problem as it goes against your natural instincts.
• Consider this statement; "It better to die having loved no one, than to love someone of the same sex." If you think so, you have serious incorrect beliefs which cause stress and may lead to life threatening stress related illnesses (e.g. heart blockages). To correct the problem see Incorrect Belief Examples.
• If your life would be threatened by revealing your sexual preference, move to another area were you will be able to express your true self without threat and intimidation. You may need to severe you connections with your parents if they won't stop trying to control your life (their life may have been heavily controlled by their parents too).

Still not confident? contact your gay community services for personal advice.

After considering these points, and assuming you life is not really under threat, announcing unashamedly to people who are close to you that you are homosexual (i.e. 'coming out' of the closet, as the saying goes ). Not that that means you fit into any stereotype that others think homosexual conform to. In not understanding human behavior, people like to label everyone and categorize them with particular characteristics, whether heterosexual, homosexual, living in a certain area, having certain academic achievements, race etc. Some people say to themselves "Oh, your one of them", as if "them" all have the same attitude to every aspect of their life. Some people incorrectly think to be homosexual you;

• think lustfully.
• are self centered.
• only want casual sex, never seeking long term relationships.
• sexually assaults young boys (male homosexuals).

Sex can express your closeness to someone you like or love. Love isn't sick, it's good. Whatever genetic quirk people's physical bodies have, we all have an equal right to exist in a civilized society. Homosexuals may not contribute to population growth, but they can contribute to society in many other ways (e.g. love, art, science, helping others raise their children etc.).

'Coming out' at School
Adolescent males are often the most homophobic of all. This is usually because they're unsure of their own sexuality and there's a lot of pressure to idolize some kind of male stereotype that the school leaders believe will show that they are successful (e.g. an obedient, fit, heterosexual football player). When you leave school you'll realize that unlike your school culture, the people in your community are generally more mature and diverse, and have little interest in making everyone idolize some dictated stereotype. Consider carefully before telling someone at school you're gay, it might lead to you being singled out and oppressed for the remainder of your school life. See also Living with People who don't care about You and Conflict Resolution Skills.

If you're unsure if it's safe to 'come out' to everyone, talk to a well known homosexual person in your community/school about their experiences. Or talk with local gay community services.

'Coming out' to your Community
Before you publicize your homosexuality to the wider community consider the;

Advantages:

• You'll will be making yourself available to people who are not as confident about their sexuality.
• Other people will become less ashamed of their homosexual tendencies making it easier for them to 'come out', reducing homophobia in your community.

• Depending on the dominating thinking in your community, you might be looked down upon, hated, oppressed even imprisoned.
• Employment opportunities in your area; will they be affected by people knowing you are gay? Some occupations are more accepting of gay people than others; any job which is sensitive to the whims of it's homophobic customers is less likely to employ a known gay person (e.g. a male car salesman who sells cars to men, a teacher in a Christian school, or a female beautician). Jobs that are more likely to accept staff that are known to be gay/lesbian include hospitality, nursing, hairdressing, teaching, government institutions, computing, science, the arts.

Rejection
Rejection can be a major issue when you don't conform to the expectations of your community, poorly founded though they may be; e.g. by being gay, of a different race or religion. In coming out, you may loose friends and family members may become more distant. You may be able to compensate for this rejection by gaining close friendships with other gay people or people of the opposite sex. Failure to gain support from others may lead to anxiety triggered physical conditions (e.g. stomach cramps, constipation, vomiting), getting regular hugs can be helpful in relieving this anxiety and related symptoms (returning your hope in gaining love from others). Open-minded social groups can be very helpful too. For serious issues find a gay-friendly counselor or psychologist. Contact your local gay community services for more information.

Unfortunately through fearing the rejection of others, we can come to protect ourselves from deep hurt by not expressing our loving nature. This leaves us with a sex/appearance focused mentality, distancing themselves from each other, becoming self-centered, and non-loving. This thinking stifles our ambitions of building true friendships.

Coming Out - Is a long term goal Coming out may start with telling your friends and relatives, but that is just the beginning of a process in which you come to be true to yourself, and stop worrying about living up to other people's unreasonable expectations. Then you can start to love yourself, and express your love to others. Coming out is more than your sexuality,

• Use mIRC to gain access the original and largest range of chat rooms. Not that easy to get chatting, but well worth the effort.
• gay.com has got 100's of chat rooms for both guys and girls; pick the room which best covers your location. Seems to be busiest 10.00pm-1.00am.
• Yahoo Chat Gay, Lesbian and mixed rooms are popular.
• MSN Chat Check under the "Lifestyles" heading.

Abbreviations often used on chat sites;

• lol = laugh out loud
• brb = I’ll be right back
• iso = in seek of
• LTR = Long Term Relationship
• pvt = private chat
• rt = real time; wants to see someone face to face.
• GWM = Gay White Male
• GAM = Gay Asian Male
• GHM = Gay Hispanic Male
• GOSH = Good Sense Of Humour
• asl = your Age, Statistics (height, weight, appearance) and Location
• twink = young effeminate/boyish gay male

Personal Ads
Personal ads are another way of meeting new people. Lookup the friendship/relationship sections and browse through people's ads, reply to any you're interested in using your e-mail, or you can place an ad for others to answer. It's a great way of making new friends in your locality. If you seem to be compatible with, you can meet for coffee somewhere and see how you get on.
Here are some popular free sites;

• Popular in Australia Pinkboard.
• Popular in US/Canada webpersonals.
• Popular in US/Canada classifieds2000

Gay Social Groups
Since not everyone has access to the Internet, increase your chances of finding a partner by letting gay people in your community know you are also gay. Why not join a gay social group? You'll be advertising that you're available to others who feel the same way, and networking through their friends. Often in large cities there are a range of sport and social groups for the gay/lesbian community. In country towns you might find a local gay/lesbian support group. Contact local gay community services for contact details. There might also be a gay night club or gay-friendly bar nearby that you could visit on a regular basis.

There are also usually a number of gay groups formed on University Campus.

Shopping Malls/Supermarkets
If you live in a gay area, meeting a gay friend while doing the shopping is not uncommon.

Gay Night Clubs/Bars
A popular way to socialize and meet new people. Especially if like dancing.

Dancing
Dancing is an easy way to express yourself and get attention. Like a peacock you can put on a display and see who is attracted to you. If someone you like starts dancing near you, include them in your dance and have some fun. Remember, just because you like dancing with someone it doesn't mean you have to sleep with them. You can make them feel good just by dancing with them! Dancing is also a very healthy activity (great for the lymphatic system).

If you're not used to dancing, try dancing at home in front of a mirror - remember the first thing you need to know about dancing is to move with the rhythm. You might also like attending some Latin dancing classes, if you want to get serious (or seriously sexual).

Don't be worried about others watching you - most people don't care. As you'll soon find out, the idea in dancing is usually focused on trying to get them to watch you - to stand out!

Non-Gay Night Clubs/Bars
To search for a gay partner at a non gay-friendly bar can be a bit tricky (even dangerous). But miracles do happen.

Beats
Although not ideal, 'beats' are also an option. Beats are anonymous meeting places for male-male sex, usually located at public lavatories/toilets. There are a few problems with beats:

• You might be beaten up.
• If you have sex in a public place, you might be breaking the law (usually a serious offense).
• You might be rejected. Unfortunately many people who meet at beats want sex with no strings attached, valuing you only for your body, and may afterwards deny ever having met you. Some treat the venue like a sex shop with no concern for their sex partner's feelings, viewing them simply as a things that are on offer and fearing any 'emotional attachments'. Rejection like this can have a negative effect; lowering your self-confidence and self-esteem, so be wary.
• Safe Sex; It's also very important to practice safe sex, since people who visit beats often have had sex with many different partners, increasing their risks of catching sexually transmitted diseases.

But how do I go about telling someone I like, that I'm gay?

Here are a couple of examples;

Steve is attracted to Bill and befriends him. Bill eventually says "There are plenty of nice girls here tonight aren't there?" Steve replies, "Well, I haven't taken much notice....I'm batting for the other team". Bill is confused for a moment then realizes that Steve is gay. Bill says, "well I like girls". Steve replies "no problems; can I by you a drink?" Well Steve struck out this time, but you never know who's around the corner...

The following week, Steve is attracted to Sam and befriends him. After he has a short conversation to work out if they like each other's personality, Steve says, "You're looking pretty sexy tonight", and looks to see how Sam reacts to the comment. Sam smiles. Steve continues, "Well, I'm into guys, what about you?". Sam gives a bashful look. Steve puts his hand on Sam's leg and looks to see if he likes it. Sam smiles and puts his hand on top. Steve smiles back, quietly giving a sigh of relief. P.S. Steve is smart; he realizes the danger of catching sexually transmitted diseases like HIV (AIDS); he always insists on the use of condoms if he and his partner end up wanting to have anal intercourse.

But what if things don't work out with the person I meet?

It's uncommon for a person to meet their long term partner on their first date. If things don't work out, remember the good times you had together, rather than focus on any negative ones that may have ended the relationship. Then you'll be motivated to get out and find another partner to love and be loved by.

Here's a few saying which may help inspire you:

• "Better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all."
• "If you love someone, set them free" [hopefully they won't want to go - then you'll know they love you too].
• "We were just ships passing in the night"
• "But what is love without the finer feelings - It's just sex without the sexual healing - Passion dies without some tender meanings - It ain't love without the finer feelings" - Kylie Minogue; extract from her song entitled "Finer Feelings".

So why not 'come out' and let your sexuality blossom!

For further information see Links & other Resources

• We are attracted different people for different reasons. But as well as the other things that make them attractive to you (their appearance, honesty, innocence, youthfulness, maturity, humor, intellect etc.), it's nice to find someone that will be genuinely caring and affectionate towards you and accept you for who you essentially are; i.e. love you. Some may be hiding these qualities due to past experiences; where they were rejected by the people they cared for. But maybe if you can convince them that you truly care for them, they’ll let down their guard and show you these treasured qualities.

• It’s best to avoid people who have no interest in your personality (due to their incorrect beliefs), thinking of you simply as an attractive piece of meat or fashion accessory, with no concern for your feelings. They might like to show you off, but are unlikely to love you.

wearing nice, clean clothes and deodorant etc. (being well groomed). doing some regular exercise (e.g. half hour daily walk, 10 push-ups and 10 sit-ups on alternate days). improving your social skills (see next topic). working on your personality (see Incorrect Belief Examples).

So what exactly is love?
Well there are different levels of love, some more intimate than others. But to trigger that feeling of love deep inside your heart you need the following ingredients:

• Respect; Respecting each other.
• Trust; The more you trust the more you open your heart.
• Honesty; Try hard to be honest, but with love as your objective (i.e. not to hurt).
• Care; Letting your partner know you care for them.
• Affection; Expressing how much more they mean to you than just a friend.

Love is like a plant you feed and nurture, it makes everything seem wonderful.

...but don't rush in, you both should move to opening your hearts carefully as there are many emotions that you'll experience along the way. If you rush in might find your partner wasn't ready, you're heart might get broken - but don't worry too much, it can mend. As the saying goes, "better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all".

To older gay guys;
Young guys have their youthfulness and spontaneity, what is it that you have to offer? You can become wise, understanding and caring; these traits can improve with age (if you learn from your experiences and seek knowledge; see note on unloving personalities and home-page). And by improving the mind-set of older gay guys in general, others are less likely to generalize and assume that you're not worth talking to.

Let's face it, it's tough enough being rejected by the general population because you're gay without any good reason, but when some of us snub others using similar reasoning, it really is deplorable. Shouldn't we be treating each other like family members, whilst seeking the freedom and respect that many heterosexuals take for granted? Let's stick together in the hope that world will become a better place to live in.

Don't have a web-site?
Then copy down the Internet address and email it to your friends, it's;
http://geocities.datacellar.net/Athens/Troy/3138/homosex.htm

• Mogenic a chat, forum and message board site for gay & lesbian youth.
• The History of Male Love
• Video movie; "The Sum of Us"
• The American Psychological Association's
  'Answers to your Questions about Sexual Orientation and Homosexuality'
• Stonewall: The history of the fight for gay acceptance
• Gay Community Services
• gay-friendly non-religious ethical group; the Humanists.
• Age of Consent for Sex: world-wide table
• Conflict Resolution Network to gain effective communication skills when dealing hostile people.
• Were you sexualy abused as a child? see;
  Online Psych: Sexual Abuse for information.
  "You Carry the Cure in your Heart".
  For supportive web-pages of other survivors see the following web-rings (note that sexual predators have been known to create phony websites to reach new victims);
  • Breaking the Silence
  • Courage to Heal
  • Free from Fear

people have checked this page out since November, 1998.

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