Nowadays, people can be divided into three classes - the Haves, the Have-Nots, and the Have-Not-Paid-for-What-They-Haves.
-Earl Wilson, newspaper columnist

What if this weren't a hypothetical question?

Westheimer's Discovery: A couple of months in the laboratory can save a couple of hours in the library.
-Frank H. Westheimer, chemistry professor (1912- )

You can't make a fact out of an opinion by raising your voice.

We are not retreating - we are advancing in another direction.
-General Douglas MacArthur (1880-1964)

Don Diego: Do you know how to use that thing?
Alejandro: Of course, the pointy end goes into the other man.
-The Mask of Zorro

Some people are so indecisive that their favorite color is plaid.

"No man who ever held the office of president would congratulate a friend on obtaining it."
- John Adams

A goal without a plan is just a wish.

Other days, other ways.

Dictionary: Spell binder.
-Joseph F. Morris

Brain: an apparatus with which we think we think.
-Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914) [The Devil's Dictionary]

Sign Under Clock in a College Classroom:
          Time will pass, will you?

It's practically impossible to look at a penguin and feel angry.
-Joe Moore

If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to be a horrible warning.
- Catherine Aird

Space isn't remote at all. It's only an hour's drive away if your car could go straight upwards.
-Fred Hoyle, Astronomer, mathematician, writer (1915- )

Drive-in banking was invented so cars could go in and see their real owners.

A common mistake people make when trying to design something completely foolproof is to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools.
-Douglas Adams

When I finished school, I took one of those career aptitude tests, and based on my verbal ability score, they suggested I become a mime.
-Tim Cavanagh

One must be reasonable in one's demands on life. For myself, all that I ask is: (1) accurate information; (2) coherent knowledge; (3) deep understanding; (4) infinite loving wisdom; (5) no more kidney stones, please.
-Edward Abbey

When people are laughing, they're generally not killing each other.

Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else have your way.
-- American Proverb

Grown-ups never understand anything for themselves, and it is tiresome for children to be always and forever explaining things to them.
-Antoine de Saint-Exupery (1900-1944)

The college years are when your children and your luggage both leave home - but the laundry comes back to visit.
- Robert Orben

I think...I think it's in my basement. Let me go upstairs and check.
-M.C.Escher (1898-1972)

Man does not live by words alone, despite the fact that sometimes he has to eat them.
- Adlai Stevenson

I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.
-Jackie Mason

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice; In practice, there is.
-Chuck Reid

"There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don't believe this to be a coincidence."
- Jeremy S. Anderson

Great ideas need landing gear as well as wings.

What if I say to you that the universe is a three-legged horse, eh? What then?
- Russell Hoban

You'll never have all the information you need to make a decision. If you did, it would be a foregone conclusion, not a decision.
-David Mahoney

It is generally agreed that 'hello' is an approprieate greeting because if you entered a room and said 'good-bye,' it could confuse a lot of people.
-Dolph Sharp

Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they will never cease to be amused.

To every complex question, there is an answer that is neat, simple, and wrong.

Things turn out best for the people who make the best out of the way things turn out.
-Art Linkletter

An airport is where you go to waste time waiting that you're going to save flying.

Inanimate objects are classified scientifically into three major categories: those that don't work, those that break down, and those that get lost.
-Russell Baker

It wasn't a dark and stomy night. Should've been, but that's the weather for you. For every mad scientist whose had the appropriate thunder and lightning, there's another dozen more waiting around with the creation just lying on the slab, and Igor clocking up the overtime.
-Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchett

Aspirin, chemically, is acetylsalicylic acid. The "A" in the acid's name is where the "A" in Aspirin comes from. The rest is from the natural source, the Meadowsweet plant. I know that your mind is trying to figure where "spirin" comes from Meadowsweet, but remember, we are talking about a scientist. The scientific name is Spiraea Ulmaria. The "IN" at the end is a common chemical suffix. So, A+SPRI+IN = Aspirin.
- Michael Vincent

Many wise words are spoken in jest, but they don't compare with the number of stupid words spoken in earnest.
- Sam Levenson (1911 – 1980)

Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain.
- Lily Tomlin