Places
"Today I managed to work on the computer."
"What did you do on it, dancing?"
In a shop
A German customer asks: "Can I become an
egg?" The assistant rolls on the floor laughing: "I don't
know if you can, but I certainly wouldn't like to become one!".
In the jungle
James and John wake up. They look out of
the window and see a lion. The lion is coming nearer. James puts his
trainers on. John asks: Why are you doing that? You are not faster
than the lion! James: I don't have to be faster than the lion. I must
only be faster than you!
A clever child
"Open your hands," says Aunt
Betty, "and then I can give you some sweets." "Give
them to Dad, please." says Doris. "Why? Don't you like
sweets?" "Yes, but Dad has got bigger hands than I have!"
Candle
Gary: "Which burns longer - a white candle
or a red candle?" Jimmy: "Neither - candles burn shorter
not longer."
The space project
Some silly people have got a space
project. A journalist asks: What are you going to do? Are you going
to fly to the moon? They answer: No! What are you going to do? Are
you going to fly to Mars? They answer: No! What are you going to
do then? Oh, we are going to have the first man on the sun? But you
are going to blow up in flames! No, we aren't. We're going to go
there at night!
On the plane
The passengers in the plane were worried to
see the pilot with a parachute on his back. "Don't worry,"
he says " I'm going to jump out of the plane and I'm going to
get some help!"
A new language
"My daughter is very clever. She
speaks three languages and now she's leaning algebra. Sally tells Mrs
Thomas what the word for 'Hello' is in algebra."
The fire
"Tell me, John, does your horse smoke?"
"No, of course not!" "Then something is burning in
your stable!"
Hospitable
"Petra, please sing a nice song for our
guest." "But the guests are leaving." "Yes, but
they're not leaving quickly enough."
The field
A man asks a farmer: If I cross your field,
will I get in time for the 6 o'clock train? The farmer says: Yes, you
will. But if my bull on the field sees you, you will do it by 5
o'clock!
Kiss me, please, kiss me!
Crossing the road one day, a man heard a frog call out to him "If
you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." The man
picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog tried again,
saying, "If you kiss me and turn me into a beautiful princess, I
will be your loving companion for an entire week!" The man took
the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, but then returned it to his
pocket. Getting desperate, the frog yelled out, "If you kiss me
and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I'll stay with you for a
YEAR and do ANYTHING you want!" Once again, the man took out the
frog, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket. Finally, the frog
cried out, "What's the matter? I've told you that I'm a
beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a year, and that I'll
do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The man patted the
pocket affectionately. "I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a
girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool!"
The chewing gum
The teacher is angry with Tony. "Tony,"
he says: "I want you to tell me what you've got in your mouth!"
"Chewing gum." Tony replies. "Well then I would like
you to throw it away." "I'm sorry, but I can't." says
Tony. "It's Fred's chewing gum and he wants me to give it back.
Logical
"Claudia, why are you putting cocoa into
the hen's food?" Mrs Johns asks her daughter. "Well,"
says Claudia. "I want it to lay chocolate eggs."
Careful girl
"Do you want to play with our new
dog?" Tania asks Robert. Does it bite?" Robert wants to
know. "I don't know," says Tania. "I want you to find
that out."
Giving help
The students have to copy a text from the
book. The teacher is looking over a girls shoulder pointing
downwards: "You've forgotten your period here!"
Alcohol where it belongs
In a semi-detached house an
American asks a British: "Would you put this bottle of wine in
the closet?" The British makes himself sure if he understood
correctly: "You mean in the toilet?"
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