Codependance

I was surprised to find that not many people really know what codependance is. Codependance is often referred to as "Rescuing" these days. You see, it involves at least two people, where one has some sort of a problem, usually a life controlling problem such as an addiction. Codependance is where the other person 'Rescues' the person with the addiction. To make it clear, here is an example of codependance. This is a true story about a boy who was addicted to heroine. All day he would be out, and when he didn't return at night, his mother would get in the car and search for him. She would often find him passed out on the footpath, or on some body's lawn. She would pick him up and drag him into the car, and she would drive him home. The so-called help she as offering was actually doing more harm than good. She wouldn't take him to the hospital, because he might get arrested. I like to put codependancy in the following nut shell. If I do not allow a person to take the consequences for their actions, then I am being a codependant.

So it's bad?

We see codependancy in less dramatic terms every day. The parent who washes the dishes for the child, even though it was that child's rostered night on. The boyfriend who continues to pay for the girlfriend's petrol, because 'she has so many other expenses.' It is in fact quite easy to fall into the trap of codependancy. It can become quite a sensitive issue, in fact. When the moral is "don't cover for anyone" many people say, "but he's my son," or "yeah, but when it's your girlfriend..." I'm not heartless in the matter, but I do want to stress how damaging codependancy is. A counsellor like my self hates it. People might come for counselling who seriously want help in a situation, but there's something holding them back; a codependant. Smokers who get fired up about quitting, and then go home to that codependant who says, "You look stressed out, have a cigarette." This codependant has the intention of making the person feel better, but in fact they are not helping their situation at all. Referring back to the heroine addict I mentioned before, at one stage he announced that he was selling all the furniture in the house to pay for drugs. His mother let him. Nobody wins. And of course I'm not saying that we shouldn't blame the drugs, but if things could have been different. This is a true story of a boy whose mother found cocaine in his top drawer. She contacted the boy's school, and the principal found that he was selling cocaine on school grounds. He was one member of a group of three involved in the drug sales. The boy didn't turn his companions in. He did, however, spend six months in jail. Years later, the two boys who didn't get caught had died of drug overdoses, while the boy who was caught out had decided never to deal in drugs again. And so he is still alive.

A codependant becomes quite a martyr sometimes. They feel that if it weren't for them, then the life of this poor person, (or whole family for that matter) would be in utter chaos and ruin. This is what often drives them on. This is what gives their life meaning and purpose. The 'victim,' without intentionally doing so, takes advantage of the codependant. The following may sound like a familiar scenario: Kids come home from school and watch TV until dinner time, then they expect Mum to drive them to this club, or that friend's house. They also expect them to pick them up, and then they go to bed. The clothes for the next day will have been washed and ironed by Mum, and lunch will have been prepared by Dad before he went to work. But the kids don't feel that they're living on easy street because this is just the way it's always been. Instead, they complain that Mum keeps 'reminding' them to eat well, and be careful when walking through town alone. Of course, she's just being the good codependant mother, because "if I don't tell them, something bad might happen." The wiser way to go about things is for the kids to make their own lunches, and do their own washing. They'll need to do it some day, and it'll take a load off Mum. Codependants need to start telling themselves, "No, they'll be fine without me." They need to let go, and begin to trust in that person's own ability. Sometimes, it can be a little too late. And this isn't so anyone out their can make an excuse for not breaking the codependancy cycle, but there is a case I know of where a man of 55 years of age is still living with his parents. He smokes three packs of cigarettes a day, and is addicted to Coca-Cola of all things. All in all his addiction costs him around fifty dollars a day on cigarettes and Coke alone. He's always broke because of it, yet his 87 year old pensioner father forks it out every day. What's more, this man cannot even cook an omelette, or change a light bulb. When he's hungry, he buys take away, which costs him more money, or makes a sandwich. I still wouldn't draw the line completely and say that there is no breaking the codependancy cycle in this situation, but left alone, this man could not survive too well. But his father, being 87 years old, will surely not live more than ten years. And even if he does, there is no way he can continue to look after his son as he does. The time will come very soon where he will have to be out on his own, and what then? This is the sad story of codependancy. Don't let it happen to you, or your family. You don't need the stress and strain of looking after people who should be looking after themselves, and they would be better off learning how to take of themselves anyhow. Yet people still say, "but it's family," or "but it's my best friend." I agree that there is some duty to look after your family and friends, but not to their detriment, and that's the line. Are you covering for them so that they won't have to face bitter consequences, which actually might help them? Or are you sincerely taking care of them in a situation where they really do need you? Whatever you do, don't be a codependant.