The document attached below appears to be a transcript. I removed it and closed the safe up again, as far as I know I did it without detection and the document hasn't been missed. I'm publishing in this fashion in the hope it sheds light on some of the mysteries that have perplexed us so much.
I promise everything I've written above is literally true. I've explained in more detail below.
Interior Conference Room. The room is dominated by an expensive-looking wooden table. On one side sit EISENHOWER, WELL-MANICURED MAN, EDUARD TELLER, DEEP THROAT, SMOKING MAN and MULDER (this is Bill Mulder, i.e. Fox's father). From the decor and the characters' ages, we infer the date is probably the late 1950s or 1960. On the desk is an American flag (with the correct number of stars, 50?). We hear indistinct whispers.
LEGEND (SUPERIMPOSED, in the usual X-files font for this sort of thing):
LEGEND (SUPERIMPOSED, after a slight delay for the first line to sink in):NELLIS AIR FORCE BASE, GROOM LAKE.
24 NOVEMBER 1959.
EISENHOWER:AREA 51.
I don't care who you people are or where you come from. If you think you can threaten the United States of America -
The camera pulls back and to the side to show the other side of the table. Seated are GREY ONE, GREY TWO, HEAVILY BUILT MAN ONE, HEAVILY BUILT MAN TWO (these two look like the alien assassin with the needle, and are identical), PALLID-FACED MAN ONE and PALLID-FACED MAN TWO (also look identical to each other). There is an empty holder for a flag.PALLID-FACED MAN ONE:
Please understand that we do not wish to threaten you.
Throughout the conversation PALLID-FACED MAN TWO speaks the moment PALLID-FACED MAN ONE finishes, and vice-versa.PALLID-FACED MAN TWO:
Only to make your species extinct.
GREY ONE and GREY TWO give small reassuring nods.PALLID-FACED MAN ONE:
We do this with great regret.PALLID-FACED MAN TWO:
You are a very interesting species.PALLID-FACED MAN ONE:
With interesting genetic material.PALLID-FACED MAN TWO:
And orifices.
GREY ONE produces an object the size and approximate shape of an AA battery. Without visible manipulation it suddenly telescopes into a rod about 50cm long, with a sort of claw at the end. The claw runs through a few evolutions in what might be a standard test routine: opening, closing, turning about its axis, suddenly blossoming into a large number of sharp spikes. It contracts back into the AA-size object, again without warning, and GREY ONE puts it away.
EISENHOWER and DEEP THROAT shrink back visibly in visceral disgust, and shift about in their chairs. WELL-MANICURED MAN confines himself to a sniff of distaste. SMOKING MAN just stares back aggressively.
MULDER covers up his horror by lighting a cigarette, fumbling a little. Remembering his manners he offers one to SMOKING MAN, who waves it away with a surprised, slightly irritated look on his face. MULDER looks somewhat embarrassed, as though he's committed a social gaffe, and puts the pack away.EISENHOWER:
If that's what you intend to try to do then the United States will resist you to the bitter end.EDUARD TELLER:
We are by no means helpless. You must be aware of our development of nuclear fusion weapons.PALLID-FACED MAN TWO (smiling):
Yes.PALLID-FACED MAN ONE (with innocent happiness):
Wonderful toys.
GREY ONE and GREY TWO make a "boom" sound, and smile happily, making gestures appropriate to an explosion. EDUARD TELLER smiles back.WELL-MANICURED MAN:
Well, at least there appears to be a basis for mutual understanding. Dr. Teller, Mr. President, if I may ...
WELL-MANICURED MAN is only looking at EISENHOWER. EISENHOWER gestures assent.WELL-MANICURED MAN:
I'm still not clear on why you see it as necessary to ... well, not to be melodramatic, but ... to ... destroy the world.PALLID-FACED MAN ONE:
Wouldn't do that!WELL-MANICURED MAN:
But you said -PALLID-FACED MAN TWO (cutting him off):
Not the whole world.PALLID-FACED MAN ONE:
Only humans.PALLID-FACED MAN TWO:
And dogs that look like rats.PALLID-FACED MAN ONE:
Yes. And humans.PALLID-FACED MAN TWO:
Oh yes, definitely humans.WELL-MANICURED MAN:
But to destroy an entire species ... why?PALLID-FACED MAN TWO:
Because that species irritates us.PALLID-FACED MAN ONE (nodding)
Always making those sounds.
All the human characters are silent, partly in confusion but mostly reluctant to upset the apparently homicidal and silence-loving aliens. TELLER starts to talk and thinks better of it. MULDER nervously plays with a pencil.
MULDER drops the pencil, it skitters across the table.
Close up, in slow motion: MULDER's pencil falls to the floor, turning end over end.
The pencil hits the floor. In the silence it sounds like a gunshot. All the human characters (except MULDER, obviously) stare at MULDER In horror. Mulder stares at nothing in particular, in horror.PALLID-FACED MAN ONE (oblivious to all this)
Those yaps.
GREY ONE and GREY TWO do an impersonation of a host of chihuahas yapping.EISENHOWER (optionally, EISENHOWER"s voice is bleeped out for an expletive before "dogs". Or, he could say "bleep".)
Not why you'd kill the dogs! Why you'd kill humans!PALLID-FACED MAN TWO:
Oh.PALLID-FACED MAN ONE:
Misunderstood.PALLID-FACED MAN TWO:
We kill humans in order to save them.WELL-MANICURED MAN:
To save us? From what? From whom?PALLID-FACED MAN ONE and PALLID-FACED MAN TWO (simultaneously, stopping suddenly at the end):
Galactic Federation government -
PALLID FACED MAN ONE and PALLID FACED MAN TWO stare at each other, as though each believes the other has spoken out of turn.PALLID-FACED MAN ONE (speaking slowly and deliberately, still staring at PALLID-FACED MAN TWO):
Terrible. people.PALLID-FACED MAN TWO (not backing down an inch):
Very. principled.
GREY ONE and GREY TWO give a small plaintive sigh.EISENHOWER:
They would destroy us? Why?PALLID-FACED MAN ONE (By now both looking at the humans again):
No!PALLID-FACED MAN TWO:
Wouldn't destroy you.PALLID-FACED MAN ONE:
Make friends with you.PALLID-FACED MAN ONE:
Try to help you.PALLID-FACED MAN ONE:
Very nasty business.PALLID-FACED MAN TWO:
Much worse than destruction.PALLID-FACED MAN ONE:
Destruction not so bad, really.PALLID-FACED MAN TWO:
We do it all the time.PALLID-FACED MAN ONE:
Doesn't hurt a bit.PALLID-FACED MAN TWO:
And not for very long.MULDER:
But if nobody tells them, how would they find out?SMOKING MAN:
For instance, if you were to die, this instant, who would know?
Suddenly HEAVILY BUILT MAN ONE and HEAVILY BUILT MAN TWO have flick-needles in their hands, and look very alert.HEAVILY BUILT MAN TWO (to SMOKING MAN):
We know you have a concealed weapon, despite our agreement.
SMOKING MAN's hands are out of sight.HEAVILY BUILT MAN ONE:
You would gain nothing.HEAVILY BUILT MAN TWO:
We already know.HEAVILY BUILT MAN ONE:
We would simply send others.EDUARD TELLER:
Others. You mean ... that what one knows, all know?HEAVILY BUILT MAN TWO:
Yes.PALLID-FACED MAN TWO:
Of course.EDUARD TELLER:
A hive mind? Amazing. Perfect cooperation.EISENHOWER (a bit off the pace):
You mean ... communism?MULDER (mostly to himself):
But humans aren't like that.PALLID-FACED MAN ONE (ignoring Mulder):
Now humans know.PALLID-FACED MAN TWO:
They will transmit it by electromagnetic means.PALLID-FACED MAN ONE:
Radio.PALLID-FACED MAN TWO:
Television.PALLID-FACED MAN ONE:
Galaxy will receive those transmissions.PALLID-FACED MAN ONE:
Galaxy will decide to help humans.
PALLID-FACED MAN ONE, PALLID-FACED MAN TWO, GREY ONE and GREY TWO all sigh and shiver in unison.
EISENHOWER, WELL-MANICURED MAN, MULDER, EDUARD TELLER, SMOKING MAN and DEEP THROAT look at each other.EISENHOWER:
So you're only concerned about the news getting out ... If it were suppressed, classified at the very highest level ... (to WELL-MANICURED MAN) can it be done?
WELL-MANICURED MAN glances at some or all of MULDER, SMOKING MAN and/or DEEP THROAT, gathering their agreement by eye.WELL-MANICURED MAN:
You can rely on us, Mr. President. Nobody outside the group you designate will ever know of any of this.EISENHOWER (to aliens):
Gentlemen, before you resolve on war, I have a proposal I would like you to hear.
EISENHOWER's voice fades a bit but remains in the background as we focus on SMOKING MAN. SMOKING MAN removes a pack of Morley's cigarettes from his coat pocket, and lights one.SMOKING MAN (half to MULDER, half to himself):
Guess I picked the wrong week to give up smoking.
The key weakness of this type of story is usually the motive of the conspirators. The flaw was perhaps most visible in the recent television series Dark Skies. The major characters worked for and/or opposed Majestic, a covert organ of the United States military that opposed alien infiltration. Majestic went to great lengths to avoid allowing the existence of aliens to become public knowledge. Several facts should have made them wonder if this was wise:
So what about the X-files? There seems to be an alien migration in progress, and quite possibly an invasion. Why do Smoking Man, the Well-Manicured Man and their cohorts work so relentlessly to keep the aliens a secret? Why is Fox Mulder's crusade so bitterly opposed?
The X-Files has mostly avoided the issue by simply never telling us anything. The critical evidence is repeatedly whipped away from just out of Mulder and Scully's grasps, and in effect from that of the viewers as well. One of the most distinctive (and irritating) features of the X-files is the episode that goes nowhere: the lack of substantial revelation covered up by enigmatic statements in smoke-filled rooms. If anything, we get the impression that there is no deeper reason, that conspiracy is, for the conspirators, an end in itself. It's an implication that taps a rich vein of anti-government paranoia in the United States, and to a lesser extent in the west generally.
An X-Files episode that aired in Australia in mid-1999 went some way toward changing this. I'll avoid spoilers just in case you don't know it. Given the X-file's approach to revelation of secrets it will probably all turn out to be a smokescreen eventually anyway. Let's just say it left me unsatisfied.
Long before I saw that episode I wrote this up, as a tongue-in-cheek concept of how the conspiracy may have begun. I wrote it up in the form of the script for a film or television, though I haven't bothered making it fit any of the standard script templates. (Actually, I've more or less compromised between my vague recollections of a standard script template and a desire for readability, which the template didn't have in my opinion.)
As for that bit about finding this in a safe , it's true.
As you can tell from my electronic mail address below, I work for the (Australian) Defence Science and Technology Organisation, part of the Department of Defence. It's sort of an umbrella group for government (but civilian) scientists and engineers helping out the Australian Defence Force. I came to work one morning, and opened my safe to get out something classified (I forget what). I was surprised to see that a piece of my personal writing had somehow got locked inside by accident. So I took it out, and when I got it home I thought I may as well put it on the web. It only occurred to me later that the circumstance could be made a part of the story.
The German classification stamp ("VS VERTRAULICH AUF AMTLICHE GEHEIMGEHALTEN", or something like that) is still my favourite. I had to ring the German embassy in Canberra to find out what it meant. If any German-speakers can explain why "VS" might stand for NATO, I'd love to hear it.
I welcome feedback at David.Bofinger@dsto.defenceSpamProofing.gov.au (delete the spamproofing).
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