The landscape of the planet Orangestick was almost entirely flat. In fact, aside from a tall orange tree that lied on the planet’s equator, and in fact gave Orangestick its name, none of the vegetation extended more than two feet off the ground.
There was only one village on Orangestick, and though Orangestick Village borrowed its name from the Tree, it was actually very far away. Most families occasionally daydreamed about vacations to the Tree, but usually it was only the richer families who ever got to go. However, when they came back, they normally acted thoroughly unimpressed.
"It’s a big orange tree," they would say, "Just like in the photos. There was nothing to do. Nowhere to plug in stereos or toasters!"
Their neighbors who’d never been to the Tree were full of envy. Imagine the status that comes with traveling great distances and coming back to say the sights were thoroughly unimpressive.
Erman Inglebert wasn’t born to wealthy parents, but he was determined to get to the Tree. His reasons weren’t the normal show-off-your-wealth reasons, though. He hadn’t even been interested until he figured out that a meteor was going to strike Orangestick Village on the nineteenth of Tovra, which was just two days after his 13th birthday. He learned about it by studying the patterns in his astronomy books, and had no intention of sharing the information with anyone else, lest they might plot to salvage their pathetic, pointless lives.
Other Orangestick dwellers annoyed Erman. He thought them crude and moronic. He had to grant that a select few of them had written some good books, but overall, Orangestick was a brainless wasteland.
He wanted to go to the Tree because he knew people rarely ever actually went there, and when they did, they didn’t stay for very long. He daydreamed about climbing the Tree and having the satisfaction of watching Orangestick Village destroyed in the distance. Orangestick would be rid of its morons, and Erman would rejoice.
One evening, when Erman’s mother cooked a roast that he found particularly unappetizing (and he let his mother know), he announced that he was going to go to the Tree.
"You know we can’t afford to go there right now, Erman," said his mother. "Maybe we can go on your fourteenth birthday."
Erman threw his butter knife down so that it made a harsh clanging noise on the table. "Am I not making myself clear?" he steamed. "I want to go to the Tree by myself!"
"You’re too young," his mother responded, with a bit of nervousness in her voice. "And you can’t change the fact we can’t afford it."
Erman glared at his mother as if she were the village idiot and said, "I’ll use my college fund."
His father frowned grimly. "Your college fund is for college."
It was then that Erman’s temper exploded. "ARGH! Universities are all full of arrogant, lazy bastards who’ll never accomplish anything! I’m not going to waste my time with them!!"
Like so many times before, Erman’s parents knew he meant business and were literally afraid of what Erman might do if they didn’t appease him. The next day, Erman’s father went to the bank and took out Erman’s entire college fund and gave it to his son.
"When are you going to come back?" asked Erman’s father.
"Do I have to report my every move?" Erman snapped back.
"Okay, okay," said his father in a resigned voice, "Go on. Have fun. Send us a postcard."
And with that, Erman was off, grateful to be rid of his unreasonable, smothering parents.
Erman thought the pilot of his plane was a dunce. "If I were a pilot, I would never run into turbulence," thought Erman smugly. The landing was not nearly smooth enough to be acceptable, so when he got off the plane and the flight attendant smiled sweetly and said, "Thank you for flying with us," Erman just scowled and grunted.
Erman was now at the Tree, and it certainly did look just like it did in all the photos. That was fine. Erman’s immediate goal was to get rid of all the other people that had flown in for a vacation.
Erman took out his walkman and pretended to listen to it, and then said excitedly to the man next to him, and loudly enough so that a good crowd of people would hear: "Did you know that that Mayor Chop is going to commemorate Orangestick Village’s birthday, which is in three days, by handing out a million dollars to the first hundred people to line up on Main Street in the morning?"
Erman had no idea when Orangestick Village’s birthday was, but the upside to that was that he knew nobody else would, either. Knowing that people were easily led, fickle, and greedy, Erman had absolute faith that his plan would bait the tourists back to Orangestick Village and then he could have the Tree and the surrounding area all to himself.
His plan indeed went off without a hitch. Until the very last minute, Erman pretended he was going to board the plane like everyone else, so that no one in their nosiness would annoyingly ask him, "Hey, why aren’t you going back? You’re the one who brought up this whole million dollar business in the first place!"
Finally, Erman was alone at the Tree, with the nearest stupid other person miles and miles away. This was his dream come true. He took some seeds from his pack and sprinkled them all over the place. This was to grow his food after the meteor struck and his current supply had run out.
Erman lived contentedly by himself for a couple of days, and then it was time for the meteor to strike. Excitedly, he climbed up the Tree on the chance that he would get a view of the meteor in the distance.
Clever as he was, he hadn’t figured out the exact time it was going to strike, so he waited in the Tree for several hours. He daydreamed. No loud music. No standing in line. No telemarketers. Erman’s smile grew larger and larger up until the minute he saw something flash through the night sky. Presently, he heard a far-away rumble and gleefully imagined all the people in the village shrieking as they were crumpled by debris.
A few long moments past, and the rumbling gradually resided. Erman reached for his walkman and tuned it to his favorites news radio station.
Absolutely nothing came through. This was good, very good. A sign that the race really had been obliterated. Erman’s smile touched his ears.
As Erman was removing the headphones from his ears, his walkman suddenly slipped through his fingers, hit the ground, and shattered into pieces.
"Klutz!" shouted Erman, before he realized he was addressing himself.
"Idiot boy!" he cried after he had finally realized it.
"Most arrogant of bastards!" he said to himself. "Who do you think you are?"
All alone on Orangestick, Erman kept his sanity alive by insulting himself for the rest of his days.
From time to time, intergalactic travelers visit Orangestick to explore the curious little ghost planet. As the approach the Tree, they sometimes hear a little man’s voice cursing itself. If they try to locate the little man, they can’t, because he seems to desperately want to hide from them. No traveler figures it’s worth too much time and energy, though, to discover the body that belongs to the voice. A little man full of insults is a novelty that lasts only so long.