od is what ?" Amos Blackburn was asking as I walked into the New Zion Gen'l Mdse. I nodded to Otis, the storekeeper, and made my way to the rear. It was the off season for tobacco farmers and so they spent their afternoons in the rear of the store telling stories or arguing theology or politics. Today, apparently, it was theology. Whatever it was, it was a sight more interesting than spending the afternoon in my law office, which is why I had slipped out, knowing I would hear about it later from my partner.
"Omnipotent," Ledbetter answered. His first name was Cecil, but nobody ever used it. "I read it. Means all powerful"
"Then why don't you say what you mean. You sound like a damned doctor or lawyer--no offence, Jim--or one of these seminary preachers, who will take the simplest thing and make it sound complicated so they can charge you for it. Besides he ain't."
"Yes he is. He can do anything."
"Naw he can't. He couldn't, say, make a rock so heavy he couldn't pick it up."
"Yes he could. He can do any thing he's a mind to. Of course, he wouldn't."
"Why not?"
"He's got better sense."
Everybody laughed except Amos. He unwrapped a Baby Ruth, took a bite and chewed for awhile before he said, "Maybe so, but you got to admit, he's done some dumb things."
"Like what?"
"Like putting titties on a boar hawg. Why'd he do that?"
"In the first place, them ain't titties," Ledbetter said. "Them's nipples. Titties is (holding up cupped hands) big and (with a thoughtful look) soft. And in the second place, it wasn't dumb. Why make two different patterns when one will do? Give 'em both nipples, but only make 'em swell up into titties if you need 'em."
"Then why didn't he put 'em on a horse or a mule?"
"He had his reasons."
"And how come he put 'em on Adam? Why, at the time He made Adam, he hadn't even thought about making Eve. It didn't strike him to make her until I guess he caught Adam looking at them sheep funny or maybe it was a monkey. And he used Adam as a pattern for Eve. If it was like you say, Adam wouldn't of had no titties nor Eve neither."
"Now there's where you're wrong. God is omniscient."
"There you go again."
"I read it," Ledbetter said. "Means he knows everything. He knew there was going to be Eve even before he made Adam. He knows everything that ever was and ever will be."
"Grandma is like that," Billy piped up. Billy was nephew to Amos. He was just 18 and so hadn't had time to think much about God. "You couldn't surprise her to save your life. Why if I wusta run in and tell her I saw an elephant stomping around in the garden, she'd say, 'You didn't shut the gate, did you? I had a feeling something like that was going to happen, and that's why I told you to be sure and shut that gate behind you.'"
"Your grandma is a fine woman," Amos said, "but she's reached the age where her grasp of things is not what it used to be. Besides, her standards have always been a little different from the rest of us." Amos ought to know. Middle aged and married with grown kids of his own, he was still at the beck and call of old Mrs. Blackburn, just as Billy and all her kith and kin were. "Now, looky here, Ledbetter, you're saying God knows everything that will be?"
"That's exactly what I'm saying."
"If I went out here and blowed somebody's brains out, God'd know that before I done it."
"Right."
"Well, if he knew it before I done it, then I had to do it. I couldn't have done anything else, otherwise he couldn't have known it beforehand. And that not only plays hell with free will, it does away with sin, because how could I be held responsible for something I couldn't help?"
"I know all about free will," Joe Shoaty said. "It was responsible for me joining the church back yonder fifty years ago. They was having a revival meeting. Preacher was a big six foot something with arms about the size of a fence post. I was setting way in the back, but he come back and got me anyway. Grabbed me by the shirt front and lifted me clean out of the seat. Says, 'God done give you free will, my friend, and you are free!' Talking loud so everybody could hear. Says, 'You can say no to yo mama and daddy! You can say no to yo friends and neighbors! You can say no the chief of po-leese, no to the sheriff, no to the guvner, no even to the president of the United States!' But,' says, hollering good now, 'you can't say no to God! And you know why? Cause God won't let you, that's why!' Then he yanked me up on my tiptoes and says personal into my ear, 'And cause if you do, I'm gonna kick yo ass from here to kingdom come. Now get on down to the altar yonder and repent!' And I did. Been a Christian ever since."
"Well, I'm glad to hear it and we're all mighty thankful for it," Ledbetter said, because he'd heard it several times before. We all had, but it was still a good story, and Joe had become really good at imitating the preacher. "Let me ask you something, Amos. Say you steal my truck, and a couple of days later I find out it was you. Just because I know about it, does that mean you had to steal it? And does it free you from blame?"
"Steal, hell! I wouldn't have that pile of junk if you paid me to take it."
"But just say you did and I found out."
"Well, now, that's entirely different. I was talking about foreknowledge. You're talking about something that happened in the past."
"So knowing the past don't effect your free will or responsibility none."
"Course not."
"Well," Ledbetter said triumphantly, "to God, all things is past. He's omnichronus.
"Damn you, Ledbetter, you're making this stuff up!"
"Naw I ain't. I read it. It means God can be anywhere in time. The Bible says in one place that a day to God is like a thousand years and a thousand years a day, and in another place, "I am he who was and is and ever shall be," or something like that. It could be he's setting all the way at the end of time looking back and sees what you've done of your own free will and holds you responsible."
"I've been setting here trying to think of that preacher's name," Joe said, "and I'll be damned if I can remember it. But I have no doubt he would have give me a good ass-kicking if I hadn't repented. Anyhow, I wasn't taking no chances."
"Grandma claims to be near blind," Billy said, "yet she can be setting there in her rocking chair and spot a pin on the floor all the way across the room."
"I'm going home," Amos said in disgust, "and do something useful like maybe counting the titties on a boar hawg. You coming, Billy?"
When they had gone, Ledbetter said, "Them Blackburns will always run off if you're getting the best of them in an argument. The whole family is that way."
"He was a big man," Joe said. "Had hands the size of smoked hams. But damned if I can think of his name."
"Omnichronus?" I said to Ledbetter.
He grinned and said, "I could have misread it."
