| Brian | Total points: 11 |
| 1: | Max Schmeling | 96 |
| 2: | Katharine Hepburn | 95 |
| 3: | Sir Alistair Cooke | 93 |
| 4: | Ronald Wilson Reagan | 91 |
| 5: | Julia Child | 89 |
| 6: | Art Linkletter | 89 |
| 7: | [Eldred] Gregory Peck | 86 |
| 8: | Phyllis Diller | 84 |
| 9: | Red Buttons [Aaron Chwatt] | 83 |
| 10: | Andy Rooney | 83 |
| 11: | Conrad Bain | 79 |
| 12: | George Mikan | 77 |
| 13: | Charlton Heston [Charles Carter] | 77 |
| 14: | Jerry Lewis [Joseph Levitch] | 76 |
| 15: | Alan Greenspan | 76 |
| 16: | Shirley Temple | 74 |
| 17: | James Coburn | 73 |
| 18: | Chuck Barris | 73 |
| 19: | Earl Weaver | 71 |
| 20: | Willie Shoemaker | 70 |
| 21: | Johnny Cash | 70 |
| 22: | Keith Richards | 58 |
| 23: | Louie Anderson | 49 |
| 24: | John Goodman | 48 |
| 25: | William "The Refrigerator" Perry | 39 |
 | Sam Snead | 89 |
|
| Chasmo | Total points: 102 |
| 1: | VACANT | |
| 2: | Buddy [Christian] Ebsen | 94 |
| 3: | Estée Lauder [Josephine Esther Mentzer] | 93 |
| 4: | Ronald Wilson Reagan | 91 |
| 5: | Arnold "Red" Auerbach | 84 |
| 6: | Ted Williams | 83 |
| 7: | Pope John Paul II [Karol Joseph Wojtyla] | 82 |
| 8: | Leo McKern | 82 |
| 9: | Suharto | 81 |
| 10: | Rodney Dangerfield [Jack Cohen] | 80 |
| 11: | Jack Klugman | 80 |
| 12: | Kurt Vonnegut, Jr. | 79 |
| 13: | Margaret Thatcher | 76 |
| 14: | Jerry Lewis [Joseph Levitch] | 76 |
| 15: | R.L. Burnside | 75 |
| 16: | Hosni Mubarak | 74 |
| 17: | James Coburn | 73 |
| 18: | Yasser Arafat | 72 |
| 19: | Helmut Kohl | 72 |
| 20: | Elizabeth Taylor | 70 |
| 21: | Saddam Hussein | 65 |
| 22: | Richard Pryor | 61 |
| 23: | Stephen Hawking | 60 |
| 24: | Whitney Houston | 38 |
| 25: | Bobby Brown | 33 |
| Princess Margaret | 71 |
| Dudley Moore | 66 |
| John Gotti | 61 |
|
| Jack | Total points: 70 |
| 1: | Ronald Wilson Reagan | 91 |
| 2: | Mitch Miller | 90 |
| 3: | Byron Nelson | 90 |
| 4: | Julia Child | 89 |
| 5: | Claudia Alta "Lady Bird" Johnson | 89 |
| 6: | Eli Wallach | 86 |
| 7: | Kirk Douglas [Issur Danielovitch] | 85 |
| 8: | Shelley Winters [Schrift] | 79 |
| 9: | Charles Durning | 79 |
| 10: | Estelle Getty [Estella Scher] | 77 |
| 11: | Hugh Hefner | 76 |
| 12: | Dick Clark | 72 |
| 13: | Buzz [Edwin] Aldrin, Jr. | 72 |
| 14: | Saddam Hussein | 65 |
| 15: | Freddy Fender [Baldemar Huerta] | 65 |
| 16: | Paul Sorvino | 63 |
| 17: | Jeff Smith | 63 |
| 18: | Ryan O'Neal | 61 |
| 19: | Annette Funicello | 59 |
| 20: | Gary Busey | 57 |
| 21: | Bobby Kimball [Toteaux] | 55 |
| 22: | Billy Preston | 55 |
| 23: | Ozzy Osbourne | 53 |
| 24: | Eddie Van Halen | 47 |
| 25: | Nicole Kidman | 34 |
| Drop: | James Doohan | 82 |
| Drop: | Ken Venturi | 71 |
| Dudley Moore | 66 |
| Waylon Jennings | 64 |
|
| Roy | Total points: 80 |
| 1: | VACANT | |
| 2: | Fay Wray | 94 |
| 3: | Buddy [Christian] Ebsen | 94 |
| 4: | John Kenneth Galbraith | 93 |
| 5: | Ronald Wilson Reagan | 91 |
| 6: | Gerald Rudolph Ford | 88 |
| 7: | Augusto Pinochet | 86 |
| 8: | Kirk Douglas [Issur Danielovitch] | 85 |
| 9: | Ernest Borgnine | 85 |
| 10: | Joey Bishop [Gottlieb] | 84 |
| 11: | Pope John Paul II [Karol Joseph Wojtyla] | 82 |
| 12: | Prince Philip Mountbatten | 81 |
| 13: | Mickey Rooney [Joe Yule, Jr.] | 81 |
| 14: | David Brinkley | 81 |
| 15: | Charles Durning | 79 |
| 16: | Fidel Castro Ruz | 75 |
| 17: | Rosemary Clooney | 74 |
| 18: | Boris Nikolayevich Yeltsin | 71 |
| 19: | Roone Arledge | 70 |
| 20: | Wilford Brimley | 67 |
| 21: | Ryan O'Neal | 61 |
| 22: | Richard Pryor | 61 |
| 23: | Johnny Paycheck [Don Lytle] | 61 |
| 24: | Stephen Hawking | 60 |
| 25: | Larry Flynt | 59 |
| Milton Berle [Berlinger] | 93 |
| Drop: | Geraldine Ferraro | 66 |
| Dudley Moore | 66 |
| John Gotti | 61 |
| Drop: | Sharon Stone | 44 |
|
