| Anubis | Points: 85 |
| 1: | VACANT | |
| 2: | Claudia Alta "Lady Bird" Johnson | 94 |
| 3: | W. Mark Felt | 93 |
| 4: | Lena Horne | 89 |
| 5: | Ernest Borgnine | 89 |
| 6: | Billy Graham | 88 |
| 7: | Jesse Helms | 85 |
| 8: | Deborah Kerr | 85 |
| 9: | Abe Vigoda | 85 |
| 10: | Marty Allen | 84 |
| 11: | Kurt Vonnegut Jr. | 84 |
| 12: | Jack Klugman | 84 |
| 13: | Pete Pihos | 83 |
| 14: | Charlton Heston [Charles Carter] | 82 |
| 15: | Art Donovan | 81 |
| 16: | Art Buchwald | 81 |
| 17: | Don Ho | 76 |
| 18: | Luciano Pavarotti | 71 |
| 19: | Charlie Watts | 65 |
| 20: | Benny Parsons | 65 |
| 21: | Tammy Faye Bakker Messner | 64 |
| 22: | Muhammad Ali [Cassius Clay] | 64 |
| 23: | Rene Preval | 63 |
| 24: | Dan Fogelberg | 55 |
| 25: | Michael Flatley | 48 |
 | Gerald Rudolph Ford | 93 |
| Augusto Pinochet | 91 |
| Arnold "Red" Auerbach | 89 |
| Drop: | Estelle Getty [Estella Scher] | 82 |
| Ann Richards | 73 |
| Saddam Hussein | 69 |
|
| Bob | Points: 0 |
| 1: | Imelda Marcos | 75 |
| 2: | Don King | 74 |
| 3: | Marion Barry | 70 |
| 4: | Dennis L. Rader | 61 |
| 5: | Marilyn Chambers | 52 |
| 6: | Annie Sprinkle [Ellen Steinberg] | 52 |
| 7: | Al Sharpton Jr. | 52 |
| 8: | Sharon Mitchell | 50 |
| 9: | Usama bin Laden | 49 |
| 10: | Viper [Stephanie Green] | 47 |
| 11: | Flavor Flav [William Drayton] | 47 |
| 12: | Afrika Bambaataa [Kevin Donovan] | 46 |
| 13: | Teri Weigel | 44 |
| 14: | Porsche Lynn [Lauren Pokorny] | 44 |
| 15: | Hyapatia Lee [Vickie Lynch] | 44 |
| 16: | Heidi Fleiss | 41 |
| 17: | Christy Canyon [Melissa Bardiz Bania] | 40 |
| 18: | Tori Welles | 39 |
| 19: | April Rayne | 39 |
| 20: | Janine Lindemulder | 38 |
| 21: | Scarface [Brad Jordan] | 37 |
| 22: | Houston | 37 |
| 23: | Tiffany Towers | 35 |
| 24: | Canibus | 32 |
| 25: | Ludacris [Christopher Bridges] | 29 |
|
| Corpus Crispy | Points: 29 |
| 1: | John Wooden | 96 |
| 2: | Karl Malden [Mladen Sekulovich] | 93 |
| 3: | Zsa Zsa [Sari] Gabor | 90 |
| 4: | Walter Cronkite | 90 |
| 5: | Ernest Borgnine | 89 |
| 6: | Arthur C. Clarke | 89 |
| 7: | Billy Graham | 88 |
| 8: | Ricardo Montalban | 86 |
| 9: | Jake La Motta | 84 |
| 10: | Charles Durning | 83 |
| 11: | Jack Whitaker | 82 |
| 12: | Charlton Heston [Charles Carter] | 82 |
| 13: | Tony Curtis [Bernard Schwartz] | 81 |
| 14: | Margaret Thatcher | 81 |
| 15: | Ariel Sharon | 78 |
| 16: | Pat Summerall | 76 |
| 17: | Richard Chamberlain | 71 |
| 18: | Richard Kiel | 67 |
| 19: | Richard B. Cheney | 65 |
| 20: | Stephen Hawking | 64 |
| 21: | Muhammad Ali [Cassius Clay] | 64 |
| 22: | Ozzy Osbourne | 58 |
| 23: | Usama bin Laden | 49 |
| 24: | William "The Refrigerator" Perry | 44 |
| 25: | Paris Hilton | 25 |
| Gerald Rudolph Ford | 93 |
| Augusto Pinochet | 91 |
| Red Buttons [Aaron Chwatt] | 87 |
|
| Divot Fillers | Points: 59 |
| 1: | Ernest Gallo | 97 |
| 2: | Eli Wallach | 91 |
| 3: | Kirk Douglas [Issur Danielovitch] | 90 |
| 4: | William W. Scranton | 89 |
| 5: | Ingmar Bergman | 88 |
| 6: | Billy Graham | 88 |
| 7: | Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn | 88 |
| 8: | Dino de Laurentiis | 87 |
| 9: | Mickey Rooney [Joe Yule Jr.] | 86 |
| 10: | Suharto | 85 |
| 11: | Jake La Motta | 84 |
| 12: | Patrick Moore | 83 |
| 13: | Margaret Thatcher | 81 |
| 14: | Hal Holbrook | 81 |
| 15: | George Melly | 80 |
| 16: | Ariel Sharon | 78 |
| 17: | Pat Summerall | 76 |
| 18: | Don Ho | 76 |
| 19: | Ingemar Johansson | 74 |
| 20: | Ronnie Hawkins | 71 |
| 21: | Yves St. Laurent [Henry Mathieu] | 70 |
| 22: | Phil Lesh [Chapman] | 66 |
| 23: | Roger Ebert | 64 |
| 24: | Annette Funicello | 64 |
| 25: | Lil' Kim [Kimberly Denise Jones] | 31 |
| Joseph Barbera | 95 |
| Byron Nelson | 94 |
| Gerald Rudolph Ford | 93 |
| P.W. Botha | 90 |
| Freddy Fender [Baldemar Huerta] | 69 |
| Drop: | Peter Gammons | 61 |
| Drop: | Dexter Manley | 47 |
|
| Donkey of the Apocalypse | Points: 87 |
| 1: | VACANT | |
| 2: | Kitty Carlisle | 91 |
| 3: | Zsa Zsa [Sari] Gabor | 90 |
| 4: | Robert C. Byrd | 89 |
| 5: | Phil Rizzuto | 89 |
| 6: | Ernest Borgnine | 89 |
| 7: | Joey Bishop [Gottlieb] | 88 |
| 8: | J.D. [Jerome David] Salinger | 88 |
| 9: | Billy Graham | 88 |
| 10: | Helen Gurley Brown | 84 |
| 11: | Charles Durning | 83 |
| 12: | Charlton Heston [Charles Carter] | 82 |
| 13: | Tony Curtis [Bernard Schwartz] | 81 |
| 14: | B.B. King | 81 |
| 15: | Fidel Castro Ruz | 80 |
| 16: | Ariel Sharon | 78 |
| 17: | Don Ho | 76 |
| 18: | Bill Walsh | 75 |
| 19: | Luciano Pavarotti | 71 |
| 20: | Rudy Ray Moore | 69 |
| 21: | Stephen Hawking | 64 |
| 22: | Sarah Brady | 64 |
| 23: | Roger Ebert | 64 |
| 24: | Muhammad Ali [Cassius Clay] | 64 |
| 25: | Peter Gammons | 61 |
| Gerald Rudolph Ford | 93 |
| Saddam Hussein | 69 |
| Drop: | Tammy Faye Bakker Messner | 64 |
| Susan Butcher | 51 |
| Drop: | Travis Pastrana | 23 |
|
| Dust | Points: 0 |
| 1: | Billy Graham | 88 |
| 2: | Betty Ford | 88 |
| 3: | Andy Rooney | 87 |
| 4: | Tom Poston | 85 |
| 5: | Eunice Kennedy Shriver | 85 |
| 6: | Jack Klugman | 84 |
| 7: | Bob Barker | 83 |
| 8: | Lauren Bacall [Betty Joan Perske] | 82 |
| 9: | Julie Harris | 81 |
| 10: | Fidel Castro Ruz | 80 |
| 11: | Jack Kevorkian | 78 |
| 12: | Ariel Sharon | 78 |
| 13: | Burt Bacharach | 77 |
| 14: | Elizabeth Taylor | 74 |
| 15: | Don King | 74 |
| 16: | Luciano Pavarotti | 71 |
| 17: | Marion Barry | 70 |
| 18: | Evel Knievel [Robert Craig] | 68 |
| 19: | Richard B. Cheney | 65 |
| 20: | Stephen Hawking | 64 |
| 21: | Roger Ebert | 64 |
| 22: | Shelley Fabares | 62 |
| 23: | Farrah Fawcett | 59 |
| 24: | Marcheline Bertrand | 56 |
| 25: | Sayyed Hassan Nasrallah | 46 |
| Drop: | Shirley Temple Black | 78 |
| Drop: | Little Richard [Penniman] | 74 |
| Drop: | Roy Clark | 73 |
|
| June | Points: 0 |
| 1: | Yitzhak Shamir [Jazernicki] | 91 |
| 2: | Doc [Carl] Severinsen | 79 |
| 3: | Eduard Shevardnadze | 78 |
| 4: | Ariel Sharon | 78 |
| 5: | Casey [Kemal Amin] Kasem | 74 |
| 6: | Charles Manson | 72 |
| 7: | Marion Barry | 70 |
| 8: | Peter Max [Finkelstein] | 69 |
| 9: | Evel Knievel [Robert Craig] | 68 |
| 10: | Bob Mackie | 66 |
| 11: | Hadden Clark | 54 |
| 12: | Usama bin Laden | 49 |
| 13: | Viper [Stephanie Green] | 47 |
| 14: | Flavor Flav [William Drayton] | 47 |
| 15: | Vince Neil [Wharton] | 45 |
| 16: | Ginger Lynn Allen | 44 |
| 17: | Sir Mix-A-Lot [Anthony Ray] | 43 |
| 18: | Coolio [Artis Ivey Jr.] | 43 |
| 19: | Salt [Cheryl James] | 42 |
| 20: | Wendy Wilson | 37 |
| 21: | Dweezil Zappa | 37 |
| 22: | Puff Daddy [Sean Combs] | 36 |
| 23: | Twiggy Ramirez [Jeordie Francis White] | 35 |
| 24: | Snoop Doggy Dogg [Calvin Broadus] | 34 |
| 25: | Helio Castroneves | 31 |
|
