He made it himself and was so proud.
He anxiously waited to hear the verdict on the quality of the coffee.
The grandmother had never in her life had such a bad cup of coffee,
and as she forced down the last sip she noticed three of those little green army guys in the bottom of the cup.
She asked, "Honey, why would three little green army guys be in the bottom of my cup?"
Her grandson replied, "You know grandma, it's like on TV,
'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup.' "
After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said, "Who owns the big white horse outside?"
The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and said, "I do ... Why?"
The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you'd like to know that your horse is about dead outside!"
The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough Silver was ready to die from heat exhaustion.
The Lone Ranger got the horse water and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better.
The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver
and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feeling better."
Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe" and took off running circles around Silver.
Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his drink.
A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks,
"Who owns that big white horse outside?"
The Lone Ranger stands again, and claims, "I do, what's wrong with him this time?"
The cowboy looks him in the eye and says,...
"Nothing, but you left your Injun runnin'."
One blonde finds a little mirror, looks in it, again, and again.
Puzzled, she says to her friend, "I just know I've seen this face before!"
"Give it to me", says the other blonde.
She looks in the mirror and says, "Of course, you silly! It's me!!"
"Where are you hurting?" asked the doctor.
"You have to help me, I hurt all over", said the woman.
"What do you mean, all over?" asked the doctor, "be a little more specific."
The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow, that hurts."
Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts, too."
Then she touched her right earlobe, "Ow, even THAT hurts", she cried.
The doctor looked at her thoughtfully for a moment and asked, "Are you a natural blonde?"
"Why, yes," she said.
"I thought so," said the doctor, "You have a broken finger."
One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, "It's not a ship."
The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's not a boat."
The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It's not a raft."
Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.
She comes up to the guy and she says, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"
"Ten years!" he says.
She reaches over, unzips this waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes.
He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Man , oh man! Is that good!"
Then she asked, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey?
"He replies, "Ten years!"
She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on the right, pulls out a flask and gives it to him.
He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic!"
Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit
and she says to him,
"And how long has it been since you've had some REAL fun?"
And the mans replies, "My God! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there!"
They went down towards a lake and Bob said to the dog,
"How many ducks are there boy?"
The dog raced off to the lake, came back a couple of minutes later, and barked twice.
Seconds later, two ducks floated into view.
"That was unbelievable, can he do it again?" Bill asked.
"Sure," responded Bob, "How many ducks are there boy?"
The dog raced off again, came back, and barked four times.
Four ducks flew in and landed on the pond.
"I have to have that dog," Bill said, "I'll give you $5,000 and all of my hunting dogs."
They agreed to the deal, and Bill took the dog home to show off to his wife.
Bill and his wife took his new dog down to the lake and Bill said, "How many ducks are there boy?"
The dog raced off, came back, grabbed a stick, shook it, and threw it over his shoulder.
"Bob gypped the hell out of you," his wife said. "You are such a fool."
Bill protested, "But I saw it work, let me try again. How many ducks are there boy?"
Again the dog raced off, came back, grabbed a stick, shook it, and threw it over his shoulder.
"Well, hell" Bill said, "This dog is useless."
In a fit of rage he shot the dog.
Then, after shooting the dog, he went back and told the story to Bob.
after hearing that Bill had killed the dog, Bob cried "YOU IDIOT.
That dog was telling you that there were more ducks than you could shake a stick at .
She comes with everything Ken had.
15 lb. weapon in hand, after having marched 12 miles says,
"This is shit."
An Army Airborne Ranger stands in the rain with a 45 lb. pack on his back,
weapon in hand, after jumping from an airplane and marching 18 miles, says with a smile,
"This is good shit!"
A Navy Seal lies in the mud, 55 lb pack on his back,
weapon in hand,after swimming 10 miles to shore, crawling through a swamp and marching 25 miles at night past the enemy positions, says with a grin,
"This really is great shit."
A Marine, up to his nose in the stinking, bug-infested mud of a swamp with a 65 lb pack on his back
and weapons in both hands, after jumping from an aircraft at high altitude, into the ocean, swimming 12 miles to the shore,
killing several alligators to enter the swamp, then crawling 30 miles through the brush to assault an enemy camp says,
"I love this shit!"
An Air Force officer sits in an easy chair in his air conditioned, carpeted BOQ room and says,
"The cable's out? What kind of shit is this?"
Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her nine year old son in the closet.
One day the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet, as well.
Inside the closet, the little boy says, "It's dark in here, isn't it?"
"Yes it is," the man replies.
"You wanna buy a baseball?" the little boy asks.
"No thanks," the man replies.
"I think you do want to buy a baseball," the little extortionist continues.
"OK. How much?" the man replies after considering the position he is in.
"Twenty-five dollars," the little boy replies.
"TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?!" the man repeats incredulously, but complies to protect his hidden position.
The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when she hears a car in the driveway
and, again, places her lover in the closet with her little boy.
"It's dark in here, isn't it?" the boy starts off.
"Yes it is," replies the man.
"Wanna buy a baseball glove?" the little boy asks.
"OK. How much?" the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his disadvantage.
"Fifty dollars," the boy replies and the transaction is completed.
The next weekend, the little boy's father says "Hey, son. Go get your ball and glove and we'll play some catch."
"I can't. I sold them," replies the little boy.
"How much did you get for them?" asks the father, expecting to hear the profit in terms of lizards and candy.
"Seventy-five dollars," the little boy says.
"SEVENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?! That's thievery! I'm taking you to the church right now.
You must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness", the father explains as he hauls the child away.
At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the curtain, sits down, and says "It's dark in here, isn't it?"
"Don't you start that in here," the priest says.
From his pocket he takes a plaid condom that has been heavily used,
torn, patched, sewn, and is currently split down one side.
He asks the proprietor, "How much to replace this, Ian?"
The proprietor says, "Why, Angus, that'll be four pence."
Then the Scotsman asks, "How much to repair?"
The prop. looks the condom over carefully, and says, "Three pence to repair."
The Scotsman ponders for a moment, then says, "I'll be back."
Later in the day, the Scotsman returns with a smile on his face and says,
"Ian, the Regiment has voted to repair!"
Demon: "Why so sad, my friend?"
Guy: "What do you think? I'm in hell!"
Demon: "Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinkin' man?"
Guy: "Sure, I love to drink."
Demon:" Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do, is drink. Whiskey, tequila, vodka, beer... We drink till we throw up and then drink some more."
Guy: "Gee, that sounds great!"
Demon: "You a smoker?"
Guy: "You better believe it."
Demon: "Alright! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from around the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer, it's ok, you're already dead!"
Guy: "Golly"
Demon: "I bet you like to gamble."
Guy: "Yes, as a matter of fact, I do."
Demon: "Good, because Wednesday is gambling day. Craps, blackjack, horse races, you name it."
Guy: "Wow."
Demon: "You like to do drugs?"
Guy: "Well, I love to do drugs. You don't mean..."
Demon: "That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, and if you overdose, it's ok... You're already dead!"
Guy: "Neat! I never realized hell was such a swingin' place!"
Demon: "You gay?"
Guy: "Uh, no."
Demon: "Ohhh... You're gonna hate Fridays...."
I hope that none of the material above offends anyone, and if it does, please beleive that it is not intended to do so.