X-mas I got a jingle bout a guy named Kris Kringle But let me warn you before I start Its not a pretty story in fact its kind of gory So its not for the faint of heart In a far away land there lived a really fat man Known commonly as old Saint Nick You’d think the guy was gay but in a jolly kind of way So nice that it could make you sick He had a lovely wife and lived a wonderful life Didn’t work but one day a year But Santa was a jerk he made the elves do all the work While he sat on his fat butt and drank beer Oh yes the elves made the toys for all the little girls and boys They made the boats and the games and the dolls But when Christmas time came it was always the same Cause all the credit went to Santa Clause Well one day while drunk Santa was being a punk And he beat an elf senseless with his candy cane The elf shouted “ABUSE!” as he was bloodied and bruised And all the other elves went insane With fire in their eyes they took him by surprise And they tackled him to the floor He couldn’t fight that for he was just too fat He just screamed “I’m sorry, please no more” But they didn’t listen and while their beady eyes glistened With a jump-rope they tied him up good Then they chopped him up with a machete into Santa confetti And used him as reindeer food So this year the man who’s jolly won’t be delivering your dolly It’ll be given by some elves on Christmas night Well I’d just thank them if I were you for you never know what they might do You could end up satisfying Dasher’s appetite