JOKES

The crime boss and his attorney meet with his accountant.
"Where's the $3 million you embezzled from me?" demands the gangster.
The accountant is silent.
"Where's my $3 million?" the crime boss shouts.
The lawyer explains, "Sir, the man is deaf. Allow me to translate."
So using sign language, the attorney asks the accountant
about the money, and the message is relayed back
that the accountant knows nothing about it.
Furious, the crime boss pulls out a revolver and puts it to
the deaf accountant's head, screaming at the lawyer,
"Ask him again where my money is!"
"Okay!Okay!" the deaf accountant sighs back.
"The money's hidden behind the old toolshed in my back yard."
"What did he say?" demands the enraged crime boss.
The attorney replies,
"He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."
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In a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die!" she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes to be memorable!  I've had plenty of sex in my life, but no-one has ever made me really feel like a woman!  Well, I've had it!  Is there ANYONE on this Plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"

For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a woman," he says. He's gorgeous. Tall, well built, with long flowing black
hair and jet black eyes. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moves. The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the stranger approaches. He removes his shirt.
Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers: "Iron this".

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A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY.
The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game?
The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.
He explains, "I ask you a question,
and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa."
Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00,
and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00."
This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question.
"What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"
The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse,
pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer.
Okay says the lawyer, your turn.
She asks the lawyer,
"What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"
The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer
and searches all his references, no answer.
He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the
net and the library of congress, no answer.
Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworker,
to no avail.
After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.
The blonde says,"Thank you", and turns back to get some more sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed,
wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"
Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse,
hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.
And you thought blondes were dumb.

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There was this preacher who was an avid golfer.Every chance he could get,he could be found on the golf course swinging away. It was an obsession.One Sunday was a picture perfect day for golfing.The sun was out, no clouds in the sky,and the temperature was just right.The preacher was in a quandary as to what to do, and shortly,the urge to play golf overcame him.He called an assistant to tell him that he was sick and could not dochurch, packed the car up, and drove three hours to a golf coursewhere no one would recognize him. Happily, he began to play the course.An angel up above was watching the preacher and was quite perturbed.He went to God and said, "Look at the preacher.He should be punished for what he is doing."God nodded in agreement. The preacher teed up on the first hole.He swung at the ball, and it sailed effortlessly through the air andlanded right in the cup three hundred and fifty yards away.A picture perfect hole-in-one. He was amazed and excited.The angel was a little shocked. He turned to God and said,"Begging Your pardon, but I thought you were going to punish him."God smiled. "Think about it -- who can he tell?"

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Jon and Amanpreet are in a mental institution.This place has an annual contest, where they pick two of the bestpatients and give them two questions.If they get them correct, they are deemed cured and are free to go.Jon is called into the doctor's office first and asked if he understandsthat he would be free if he answers the questions correctly.Doctor says, "Jon, what would happen if I poked out one of your eyes?"Jon answers, "I'd be half blind, doc.""That's correct. What if I poked out both of your eyes?" "I'd be completely blind."The doctor got up, shook his hand and told him he was free.On Jon's way out, while the doctor is filling out the paperwork, Jon mentions the  exam to Amanpreet.He tells him what questions are going to be asked,and also the answers. Amanpreet is called in.The doctor goes through the formalities and asks,"What would happen if I cut off one of your ears?"Amanpreet, remembering what Jon said was the correct answer, says, "I'd be half blind."The doctor is a little puzzled, but he carries on. "What if I cut off both of your ears?""I'd be completely blind." Amanpreet answers."Amanpreet, can you explain how you'd be blind?""My hat would fall over my eyes."

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A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner withher parents.This being a big event, the girl tells her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and have sex for the first time.Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before,so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms.The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd liketo buy;a 3-pack, a 10-pack, or a family pack.The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be verybusy,it being his first time and all.That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets hisgirlfriend at the door."Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, 'come on in'The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl'sparents are seated.The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his headdown.Ten minutes pass and still no movement from the boy.Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans overand whispers to her boyfriend,"I had no idea you were so religious."The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was apharmacist."

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Fresh off the boat ...
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By the time the sailor pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where."
"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant -- an Air Force guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."
"No problem," the tired Navy man assured him. "I'll take it." The next morning, the sailor came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy tailed. "How'd you sleep?" asked the manager. "Never better!" The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring?"

"Nope. I shut him up in no time," said the Navy guy. How'd you manage that?" asked the manager."He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room, "the sailor explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on
the cheek, and said, "Good night beautiful, and he sat up all night watching me."

I am informed that the European Commission has just announced an
agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather
than German,  which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations,
Her Majesty's government conceded that English spelling had some room for
improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in  plan that would be known as
"EuroEnglish."

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favor of the "k". This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replased with the "f'. This will make words like "fotograf' 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e"s in the language is disgraseful, and they should go away. By the 4th year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "V'. During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.
After zis fifz yer, ve wil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer. ZE DREM VIL FINALl KUM TRU!! And zen ve vil take over ze vorld!!