Scene: A conspicuously empty school corridor, classes have clearly begun. A young LYNDA enters shot; she wears pigtails but has an upright, determined look. She is wandering along, looking in each door hesitantly, but none of them are right. Eventually, worried, she goes back and starts again at the first one. As she moves off down the row again, we see a figure standing behind her which she hasn't seen. He leans lazily against the wall, marvelling at her rather pointless search. This is a young SPIKE, a juvenile delinquent, hell-raiser type.
SPIKE: You're going to have to go in one eventually, you know.
LYNDA: (turning, she's surprised to be caught unsure and vulnerable) What?
SPIKE: (coming towards her) Don't worry, I don't bite.
LYNDA: Oh really. Would you like me to show you how?
SPIKE: Hey, is that anyway to treat a new kid?
LYNDA: (patronisingly) We're all new kids. It's the first day of school.
SPIKE: Yeah, but it counts extra when you're new to the country as well.
LYNDA: Is it somehow my problem that you felt compelled to emigrate? (she's ignoring him, still looking for the right door)
SPIKE: You know, I get the feeling you don't like me very much.
LYNDA: My, my, the first day of school and already you've learnt something.
SPIKE: (now he's extra cocky - he leans back against the lockers - he knows something she doesn't) Yeah, I have learnt a few things. Like, say, where the history class has moved to this period.
LYNDA: What? (very cold, someone has screwed her over) I wasn't told that!
SPIKE: (whimsically) Apparently, they had to switch rooms because of the art show.
LYNDA: (slightly desperate) Tell me! I'm late already! I can't be late on the first day!
SPIKE: Well, I don't know...you kinda hurt my feelings there...
LYNDA: (she grabs his shirt) You HAVE to tell me where it is.
SPIKE: (startled) Okay, okay, just let go! Over in H-Block. Room 3.
LYNDA: (realising she overreacted) er, right. Thanks. (she runs off)
SPIKE: Hey, don't mention it! (pause. Then he takes off after her).
CUT TO: School corridor. SPIKE and LYNDA are running towards the camera from the distance. SPIKE pulls level with her.
LYNDA: Hey! Stop following me! What do you want?
SPIKE: I forgot to tell you (gasp) I'm in your history class! We're gonna be seeing a lot (gasp) of each other! Who knows, maybe you'll even (gasp) learn to like me!
LYNDA: (yelling with exertion) HAH! (gasp) Not in a MILLION YEARS! (she pours on the speed, but Spike matches her all the way)
CUT TO: Reverse Angle. SPIKE and LYNDA sprint down the corridor happily and around the corner. The chase begins...
A Rock Opera of Wagnerian proportions, that wraps up the entire plot of all five series. By Steven Moffat and Steven Darlington. All songs by Queen; all bar "Rain Must Fall" can be found on their Greatest Hits albums, volumes one and two.
Act One:
Scene One: Spike and Lynda meet, some of the events of Page One and Photo Finish take place. Spike sings "It's A Kind of Magic" after meeting Lynda.
Scene Two: We establish the newsroom, its workings and its staff further, with some of the story of Deadline. The newsroom sings "Under Pressure" about the Deadline.
Scene Three: A Night In; Spike and Lynda face off, and it is revealed James dumped her (James was established in the previous scene). Lynda is developed a lot more. The newsroom sings "Killer Queen" about Lynda when she threatens to call Sullivan about Spike dodging late duty.
Scene Four: How To Make A Killing. Kenny proves himself to be more than Lynda's shadow. In his absence, Lynda has to trust Spike. The cast sings "Good Old Fashioned Lover Boy" about Kenny. When he begins his crusade against the glue sellers, Kenny (backed by the cast) sings "Don't Stop Me".
Scene Five: Monday-Tuesday. Lynda, distraught sings "Bohemian Rhapsody" as a solo. (mother, I just killed a man...if I'm not back this time tomorrow, carry on...)
Scene Six: Spike tracks down and saves Lynda as per Shouldn't I Be Taller. Spike sings "It's a Hard Life" to console her. Lynda comes back. End on "The Show Must Go On" (Lynda, Spike and cast)
Act Two:
Scene One: Picking Up The Pieces, and surrounds. Lynda and Spike are edging towars each other. Colin's scheming nature is developed. Spike sings "Breakthu" to Lynda (if I could only reach you, if I could make you smile...).
Scene Two: Love and the Junior Gazette: Kenny gets dumped, Spike and Lynda finally agree to go out, thanks to Kenny. The newsroom sings "Crazy Little Thing Called Love".
Scene Three: At Last a Dragon: the date. Lynda collapses and sings "Save Me". Spike doesn't, but does. She is impressed. They kiss and sing "Somebody to Love".
Scene Four: An interlude from Spike and Lynda for Something Terrible. Colin gets his solo - "One Vision" (it's not perfect, but it does have "one man, alone, one mission...")
Scene Five: Rock Solid and Friends Like These: a further look at Sarah and Kenny. They each get solos. Sarah sings "I Want To Break Free". Kenny sings "The Invisible Man".
Scene Six: Yesterdays News. Spike and Lynda break up. Spike sings "Play the Game" to (and with) Lynda.
Scene Seven: more of Rock Solid, and then The Big Finish. Lynda sets Kenny free, they sing "Friends Will Be Friends". Kenny and cast sing "We Are The Champions" about his rock stardom and the success of the continuing Junior Gazette. But Spike and Lynda are not resolved. They sing "Who Wants to Live Forever?" and we end on this sad and confused note.
Act Three:
Scene One: The Big Hello and Killer on the Line. Spike and Lynda meet again, and the sparks fly. They sing "Headlong" (you had me rushing headlong, out of control).
Scene Two: The Last Word parts one and two. The extras and press sing "Another One Bites the Dust" at the start to build tension. The gunman sings "We Will Rock You". (there are definitely better Queen songs for here, but I ran out of inspiration)
Scene Three: Holding On. Spike leaves Lynda for Zoe. Spike and Lynda and cast sing "Hammer to Fall" - they're just waiting for the final shoe to drop.
Scene Four: Bad News, Spike returns and saves the paper. Spike sings "Now I'm Here..." to Lynda.
Scene Five: Friendly Fire (the only part of series five that was really part of the character drama). Lynda cuts Sarah loose. They sing "You're my best friend", slightly ironically.
Scene Six: Love and War, Spike's Dad dies, Spike and Lynda get together again. Spike and Lynda sing "Rain Must Fall" about his Dad. They then reprise "Someone to Love".
Scene Seven: The end of In The Picture, and then Day Dreams. Lynda sings "I'm Going Slightly Mad" about the pressure, and the dreams. Lynda is confused, and sings "Innuendo", but towards the end, she realises she has another chance, and Spike joins her for the end: "we'll keep on trying, whatever will be, will be...". They kiss. Curtain.
Closing scene: Entire cast is present at Lynda and Spike's wedding and opening of their own paper. Kenny returns and kisses Sam. Everyone hugs everyone else. They all sing "The Miracle". A happy ending! Hooray!
Luke desperately inched his way along the thin intake pipe, agony and fear piercing his mind with each heartbeat. His whole body was slick with sweat and blood. Below him, a seemingly infinite extent of steel dropped away to the planet's surface. There was nowhere to go now, but still he kept crawling away, his mind only knowing one thing: escape. Escape from the man who was about to kill him. Escape from Darth Vader.
Luke looked up, and saw death. Vader was there, as if he had always been. The dark menacing mask was impassive to Luke's mute cries for mercy. His body begged for an escape, but the dark shadow hovering over him offered none. Death was here and now, and Luke could taste it in his mouth.
And then Vader lowered his lightsaber and spoke. "Luke". It was a command, not a question.
Luke was so exhausted Vader had to say it again before the boy even heard him. "Luke". In wild, hunted fear, Luke looked up at his predator; obeying the command being the only thing his tired mind could grasp.
"Obi-Wan never told you what happened to Lynda, did he?". The voice was as cold as ever, but with less menace now, almost sonorous. "He told me enough!" spat Luke, hatred his only vestige of sanity now. "He told me you killed her!"
"No Luke" and here the Dark Lord paused. "I am Lynda!"
Luke's sanity screamed in time with his dying body "No!" he wailed. "That's NOT POSSIBLE!!!"
At that, the Dark Lord pulled off his cruel mask, revealing a length of brown curls and a bright female face. "Well, I have to have some hobbies outside of the paper, don't I?" she said in her normal petulant tones. Tucking the helmet under her arm, she extended a leather-gloved arm to her victim. "Come on, give me your hand".
Totally at a loss, Luke could only gape and gibber as she hauled him up onto the walkway. She smiled sweetly and proudly. "Did you really not know it was me? I gave you a lot of clues you know."
Luke finally found a voice, but not words "Ly - Yo- Va-.."
"It's alright," she replied, "it's called 'talking'. Keep trying, you'll get the hang of it".
"Lynda..." he tried.
"Present!" she came back. "Lynda Day, Editor. Also known as The Dark Lord of the Sith, Darth Vader, and funnily enough, I also seem to be the Emperor AND Grand Moff Tarkin. You have the strangest dreams, Spike"
"Lynda, what the hell are you doing in my dream?" Spike finally managed.
"Enjoying myself, of course. I like what you did to Kenny, he does remind me of R2D2, and I suppose Colin had to be Lando. But Frazz as Han? I don't think so." She rolled her eyes at the though.
"Hey, it's a fantasy. Sometimes I'm Han and he's Chewy"
"Fantasy indeed. I noticed that Jabba the Hutt is your maths teacher. I hate to tell you this Spike, but "free us or die" won't work with Mr Hutchinson."
"Lynda!" he growled. "This is MY dream. I don't know how the HELL you got here, but you're Leaving. RIGHT NOW"
"Well, well, very touchy aren't we Mr Jedi Knight? And I bet I know why. You were just about to get up to Princess Leia in the gold bikini, weren't you, Spike?" She flashed a cruel grin "This is an erotic dream, isn't it Spike?"
"Shut up, Lynda"
"What, no nurses this time?" Lynda was really enjoying herself.
"Shut UP, Lynda"
"I'm right aren't I?" She paused, reading his face, then added, nodding and grinning, "I am!"
"Yeah, well, so what if it is?" he snapped back.
Very suddenly, Lynda slapped him across the cheek. "What was that for?" he cried.
"It's sick, Spike! She's your sister!" Spike tried to hide his eyes, but Lynda knew him too well. "Ohhh, I see, she's not your sister, is she. In fact, she's probably someone you fan..." Lynda froze in mid-sentence and it was Spike's turn to grin. Her face darkened into a murderous scowl.
"Spike, if it IS me, you are going to die. On the other hand, if it ISN'T me, death is going to seem like a picnic compared to what I'm going to do to you".
"Sorry Lynda," he said, "but this is MY dream." With that, he pushed her off the narrow walkway, and she fell down, down, down the gas chute to her death. He smiled, and walked immediately into the desert wastes of Tattooine, where Sarah Jackson was chained to Jabba's throne, waiting for him to rescue her.
Spike entered Jabba's throneroom, and it was just how he wanted it to be. The lights, the music, the dancing girls...but all secondary to the gold-clad figure on the dais opposite him. As he crossed towards her, everything else evaporated into nothingness, his dream-world rearranging itself to fit the fantasy. Just him and her.
His eyes drank in her magnificent body. The long, sinuously legs, swelling up to the pear-shaped hips, the curvaceous, slightly muscular torso, only incidentally made decent by two thin strips of gold-inlaid leather, and finally, the pearly tender neck meeting perfectly the sharp chin, the gorgeous face, the long flowing light brown hair, spinning out as she turned to face him.
"Oh, um, hi Spike" said Sarah, biting her bottom lip in shame. She immediately spun around and crossed her legs and wrapped her arms around her torso. It was a futile effort at modesty, but its honest desperation in the face of this futility made it all the more demure and attractvie. "Um, I'm...I was just..." she tried to gesture to a non-existent excuse, but had to return her arm when she realised she was leaving an area open.
Spike just smiled and kept advancing. "Oh, um, if you're looking for Lynda, she's over there..." she trailed off and tried again "Sorry about this, I didn't... I mean, I wasn't.." she looked downcast, embarrassed and ashamed. Ashamed of being who she was, where she was, and with who. She looked up again in mute appeal, hoping Spike would offer some way out of this horrible moment for her.
And he did, for at that moment, he moved very close to her, and their lips met. And with that all shame and fear left her, and her body filled with warmth. Her arms and legs slowly relaxed, as his encircled her, and then they began moving together, more meshing then embracing, the kiss unbroken, and ever-lasting...
Spike rolled over in bed.
This was better. Now he had a baseline to work with. This time as he drank in the gorgeous body in the skimpy bikini, he had a model to work with. He had spent a lot of time viewing Lynda's figure from various angles, and this reconstruction not only looked accurate but was much more intense for its familiarity. This time, the figure had short dark brown waves, which bounced as she turned haughtily towards him.
"Spike". Half a command, half a desperate plea, and all desire.
"Lynda". An observation, a statement of an event, of a present force rather than a person. A word of worship, but detached, and low with lust.
"About time" she snickered, and posed coquettishly, her body held like a weapon about to deliver a killing blow, and she taunting him, daring him, burning him with her eyes. "Traffic was a bitch" was all he could manage in return, ending in a squeak as her beauty removed all power of speech. He could hear his breathing, feel his heart pumping, his whole body thick with sensation. His hands, moving to touch her, turned icy for a second, as she pulled very slightly away, terifying him for one exquisite second.
And then she relaxed into his touch, turning into his open arms, her body flowing to meet his as he pressed forward. Then they touched, and it was like fire and ice. Every point of contact immediately stung with pleasure, and it felt as if they were being torn apart and pushed together at the same time. Their mouths met, and their bodies were truly one, falling back onto the bed behind them, clothes miraculously gone. Just flesh now, legs, arms, hands, lips, all now part of the other, mixing like fluids, writhing, melting. Every touch pure sensation, every cold release like a death of a sense.
And they were no longer two but one; no longer flesh but ecstasy, passion, heat, fire; they were elementals, at one with the sky and the sun and the Gods....
Spike rolled over again, and much to his shock and dismay, the image sudenly faded.
Once again he was in the throne room, and once again, he was marching irrevocably towards the gorgeous almond coloured body on the dais, lustily following the curves and shadows of that which was so much more shown by being slightly hidden. And then up the neck, and then...here was a chin he did not know. And a short, masculine haircut he was not familiar with. Although, strangely, he was.
Then the face turned, and he heard a familiar voice, saw a frighteningly familiar face. "Ah, Spike" it said. "Now, I suppose you're probably wondering why I'm wearing this bikini. There's a perfectly logical explanation, I can assure you."
Spike could only drag one word from his perplexed soul "Colin?"
Spike woke up screaming.
Not really copyright © Steve Darlington, but if you steal it and sell it, I'll find you, even if you hide on the second moon of Jupiter. Last updated 6/2/00