"Why no (belch)... Would you like us to be?" - Sir Conrad I. Picklebutt III, Board Chairman of Team S&M Worldwide, in response to California State Park Ranger Frank Thompson's query, "Say, you gentlemen wouldn't be armed, would you?"

"Here (belch)... have a beer..." - Sir Wiliam Ray Bob Jackson Jr., President & CEO of Team S&M Worldwide, lending aid to the victim of a rather gruesome motorcycle accident.

"Remain Calm! All is well!" - Chip Diller, Omega House pledge and ROTC recruit.

"Boy, is THIS GREAT!!!" - Kent Dorfsman, Delta House pledge and ROTC dropout.

"Drink till you fall down, but before you do, make sure you have completely confounded the locals." - Sir Conrad I. Picklebutt III

"Don't get me cranky... You wouldn't like me when I'm cranky..." - Mr. Mike, Vice President, Media Division and Chief of Security, Team S&M Worldwide.

"Guns is Funs" - Mr. Mike

"Couldn't we just chalk this one up to youthful enthusiasm?" - Chris The Terrorist, Team S&M Associate Member, trying to talk his way out of a speeding ticket.

"Well, I'm going to sit on my kitchen floor in dirty underwear with a bottle of Dale's Jr. Vodka and listen to the buzz of the fluorescent lights clutching my unsigned high school yearbook while I whistle the Old Spice theme song to myself until I pass out in a pool of my own vomit and tears. So what about you?" - Sir Wiliam Ray Bob Jackson Jr., in response to the question, "What are you doing tonight?"

"Reality is for people who can't handle Valium." - Lou Reed

"When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro." - Raoul Duke

"Oh sure... They say drinking kills brain cells... but only the weak ones..." - A truly brilliant and insightful man, whose name escapes us right now...

""Yeah, man, I'll tell you what, that dang old Internet, man, you just go'd on there, point and click, gettin' in there talkin' about www.wcom, you got them naked chicks on there, you go click click click click click.. It's real easy, man." -Boomhauer, "King of the Hill"

"I'll get all the sleep I need when I'm dead..." - Wade Garrett, "Roadhouse"

"I pine for the sheer stupidity of the old macho days, when men would brandish hammers and build huge, bulky cars that sucked up gas and tore open the ozone layer and crushed small animals beneath totally useless but totally cool-looking tail fins". - Dennis O'Leary

"Giving money and power to Government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys." - P.J. O'Rourke

Team S&M's Hall of Shame

"Capital punishment is our society's recognition of the sanctity of human life." - Orrin Hatch, Senator from Utah.

"We may be finding that in some blacks, when the chokehold is applied, the veins or arteries do not open up like in normal people." - Daryl Gates, former Los Angeles police chief

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country." - Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, D.C.

"I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy. But that could change." - Vice-President Dan Quayle

"What a waste it is to lose one's mind, or not to have a mind, is very wasteful." - Dan Quayle, speaking at the United Negro College Fund (their slogan, "A mind is a terrible thing to waste")

"I did what any normal person would do at that age. You call home. You call home to mother and father and say, 'I'd like to get into the National Guard.'" -- Dan Quayle, Vice-Presidential hopeful, defending his National Guard service during the Vietnam War.

"I love California. I grew up in Phoenix." -- Dan Quayle

"Honest businessmen should be protected from the unscrupulous consumer." - Lester Maddox, then governer of Georgia, on why his state should not create a consumer protection agency.

"I was not lying. I said things that later on seemed to be untrue." - Richard Nixon, discussing Watergate in 1978

"Where would Christianity be if Jesus got eight to fifteen years, with time off for good behavior?" - New York Senator James H. Donovan, commenting on capital punishment.

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life." - Brooke Shields, on why she wanted to become spokesperson for a federal antismoking campaign.

"Sure, it's going to kill a lot of people, but they may be dying of something else anyway." - Othal Brand, member of a Texas pesticide review board, on Chlordane.

"Bite the wax tadpole." - Coca-Cola name as originally translated into Chinese (later changed to "May the mouth rejoice").

"Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave." - Ad slogan "Pepsi comes alive" as initially translated into Chinese.