"Hi, I'm Judy, a Time-Life Operator..."

Torture-the-Telemarketer

The founders of Team S&M have always taken great delight in making the lives of phone sales drones a living hell. Why, you may ask? Simple.

They're useless lifeforms
They never call you with an offer or product that you'd actually want
They generally interrupt something important or enjoyable with their little sales spiel
Abusing them is a lot of fun at someone else's expense
The boys are really good at it

Actually, the founders love for this activity stems from their time spent in the sales field, which they both deeply resented. They are particularly fond of pointing out evidence of canned sales scripts and poorly chosen closing techniques on the part of the salesperson.

To properly illustrate the finer points of this entertaining diversion, an actual telemarketing encounter is transcribed below. Sir Conrad I. Picklebutt III and Sir William Ray Bob Jackson Jr. were locked in a high-level planning session, when one of the unscrambled phones started to ring:

(Picklebutt) "Team S&M Headquarters"
(Sales Scum) "Yes, is this the gentleman of the house?"
(Picklebutt) "Why, it certainly is! Thank you for noticing! And who might you be?"
(SS) "My name is Sermbomb Crivich, with Krumbum Marketing Reseach Inc."
(PB) " Well Ms Crivich, you certainly have a nice voice, do you mind if I put you on speaker phone?"
(SS) "Ah..."
(PB) "Why, thank you."
(SS) "I, uh... as I was saying, I'm with Krumbum Marketing Research, Inc., and-- "
(Jackson) "-- excuse me, how do you spell 'Krumbum'? I mean, is the 'Q' silent, or is it like 'Piquant'"?
(SS) "...Uh... I... um... it's not... spelled with a... Uh, sir, I'm calling today to offer you the chance to participate in a unique research study, and to--"
(PB) "Is that a southern accent I detect? I going to guess... around Dallas, Texas."
(SS) "Why, yes sir, that's right. But... How did you know I was from Dallas?"
(PB) "It's just a little hobby of mine. Did you know there's a gentleman from the University of Chicago who claims he can tell which neighborhood you were born in, just by listening to you speak a few sentences?
(SS) "... Um, no, I didn't know that, sir."
(PB) "But, I digress, please continue with your spiel".
(SS) "My what, sir?"
(PB) "Your 'pitch', your 'dog and pony', ... your sales presentation."
(SS)"... um...oh yes, thank you.. As I was saying, I'm calling today to offer you an opportunity to participate in an unique research study, and --"
(JK) "Wow, that sounds great! Does that mean we'll be getting paid for this?"
(SS) "Who's That?"
(PB) "That's my roomate."
(SS) "Oh."
(PB) "Please Continue."
(SS) " ...And, no you don't get paid... you-"
(JK) "Why Not? A doctor once put put electrodes on my head and made me moo like a cow for 10 minutes... I got paid $50 for that..."
(SS) "What?... uh... I... But we... send you free products!"
(PB) "Why in heaven's name would you do that?"
(SS) "Because it's an exciting market study!... Now, where would you like me to ship them?"
(JK) "-- hmm, that sounds suspiciously like an 'Assumptive Close'... odd, though, I don't remember having said 'yes' to anything yet."
(PB) "Are you sure that wasn't a 'Benjamin Franklin' close"?
(JK) "No, 'Ben Franklin' is where the sales drone lists all the Reasons for buying today, and all the Ideas and Feelings for not buying. Of course, the Reasons are always made to seem vastly more compelling. Therefore, the sucker... uh... prospect is forced to see the inescapable logic of buying right there on the spot."
(PB) "Ah, yes, of course. At any rate, it’s a bit premature to be going for the close, don’t you think?"
(JK) "Yes, pretty early in the game for that."
(SS) "No, it's... " (obviously having lost her place in the script) "... a... research study... and... you'll have the opportunity to sample some of the finest products in America. All you have to do is accept our offer, and products will be sent to you on a monthly basis. Just try them for a few weeks, and return a short questionaire about them..... But, I must tell you,though, we're only extending this exciting offer to the public for a limited time."
(PB) "Now, what made you switch to the 'Impending Doom' close so quickly? Did you think you were losing us?"
(JK) "Just what kind of exciting products are we to be treated to? Feminine hygiene sprays?"
(PB) "Power tools?"
(JK) "How about Smurf characters?"
(PB) "Or those lovely LLadro figurines?"
(PB) "Or guns."
(JK) "Yes, guns would be good too..."
(SS) (LONG pause...) "Its... a wide variety of quality household products, from some of the leading manufacturers in the country--
(PB) "Leading Manufacturers? Is it some form of competition? Who's winning?"
(SS) "No, I mean, they're top... companies.... "
(JK) "Oh, I see."
(SS)"Now, should I start your product shipments this month, or would the following month be better?"
(JK) "Oooh, the 'Limited Choices' close. I haven't heard that one used in a while. And so nicely done... don't you agree, Conrad?"
(PB) "No, that's the 'Alternate Point' Close."
(JK) "Limited Choices!"
(PB) "Alternate Point!"
(JK) "Wait a minute, let's ask the professional to solve this. Ms. Crivich... Which were you just trying to use on us, the 'Limited Choices' or the 'Alternate Point' close?"
(SS) "Uh... I don't know... I think we're suppose to see a training film on that... next week."
(PB) "Well, at any rate, nicely done!"

Silence....... a quiet sobbing was barely discernable over the speakerphone...

(PB) "Hello, Ms. Crivich are you still with us?"
(SS) "Oh,...yes."
(PB) "Please continue."
(SS) "Wait! No, Yes, OK! So, do you want them, I mean us, to send them to you?... All you have to do is fill out a simple form telling us what you thought about the products, and-"
(PB) "Well, although my Verbal Acuity is well above the norm, I have some rather serious Visual Motor Integration issues."
(SS) "I don't understand what that means, sir."
(PB) "I can neither read nor write."
(SS) "What?"
(PB) "I said, I can neither read nor write, I'M ILLITERATE"!

... Moment of silence...

(SS) "Well... uh... what about... your room mate?"
(PB) "Actually, he has a problem with written text as well."
(SS) "Oh, don't worry, the questionaire is very simple, and --"
(PB) "-- no, you don't understand... he's blind..."

THE HAPLESS WOMAN WAS OBVIOUSLY STOPPED COLD BY THIS LAST OBSTACLE. SEVERAL SECONDS OF DEAD SILENCE FOLLOWED. THEN, JACKSON INTERJECTED...

(JK) "Perhaps you could send the questionaire to me in standard braille format."
(PB) "Yes, or you could call every month, and read the questions to me."
(SS) "I... I... I'm going to have to... ask my supervisor... about... that...."
(PB) "Well, of course! Feel free to do so! You know, I think we're inches away from inking this deal! William, break out our best Champagne!"

AT THIS POINT, THE BOYS WERE PUT ON HOLD FOR SEVERAL MINUTES. FINALLY, THE WOMAN CAME BACK ON LINE.

(SS) "Hello?"
(PB) "Yes, we're still here"
(SS) "Well, under the circumstances my supervisor says you might not be a good,... uh... good... candidates for our study."
(JK) "Hey wait a minute, do you have something against the visually challenged?"
(PB) "Y'know, just because I'm illiterate doesn't mean I'm stupid!"
(SS) "Um ...I'm sorry, my supervisor is telling me I have to hang up now."
(PB) "No wait! There must be some way we can work this out!..."
(PB & JK - In Unison) "....DON'T YOU WANT TO MAKE A SALE?"

The cornerstone of success in this is the fact that telemarketers are trained to not hang up the phone first, unless the person is using profanity or making threatening statements. Thus, as long as you show some occasional interest, the poor sap is pretty much compelled to stick it out, no matter how ludicrous the course of the conversation. The boys have actually had hour-long Mexican stand-offs, with both sides refusing to disconnect first.

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