The only thing the IRS has not yet taxed is your "Ding Dong". This is due to the fact that 40% of the time it is hanging around unemployed, 20% of the time it is pissed off, 30% of the time it is hard up, and 10% of the time it is in the hole: on top of that, it has two dependants and they are both nuts. Effective January 1, 1997, your ding dong will be taxed according to its size. Determine your category based on the following table and confirm this information of Pg. 2, Sec. 7, Line 3 on your Standard 1040 Form.

              
                   12 inches     Luxury Tax     $50.00
             10 to 11 inches     Pole Tax       $45.00
              8 to  9 inches     Priviledge Tax $40.00
             6 to   7 inches     Nuisance Tax   $35.00

NOTE: Anyone under 4 (four) inches is eligible for a refund and may not request an extension. Anyone exceeding 12 (twelve) inches must file under Capital Gain Tax.

Mrs. Pecker Checker
Internal Revenue Service
Washington, D.C.