Further Adventures of Smokey can be found here
"The Adventures of Smokey" is an ongoing saga created by Joe Nale and Crissi Newton. Each author has his/her turn to continue the story where the other left off. All events are fictional and names of minor characters have been changed to protect the innocent! :^) The story will be updated each week [or whenever I take a notion] :) ...

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Well, hello there, my name is Smokey. I'm one of Bing Crosby's pipes. You might have recognized me, I starred in the movie "Holiday Inn." I didn't enjoy getting banged against those bells on the Christmas tree next to the piano but Bing said it would be a great effect. My boss picked me up in a little shop near his ranch in Argentina in 1938 and I've been with him ever since. He takes me everywhere, I've been all over the world, even in war zones. I've been pictured on album covers, in magazines, newspapers, and television. It sure is a lot of fun...

All the attention was very nice. Boss kept me cleaned out and always used the best tobacco in me. And, I did my best to ensure him a nice, smooth smoke. We frequented the best night spots together, visited the track and the baseball fields, and I even accompanied him to the Academy Awards...my shining moment. I had no way of knowing what was soon to come...

One afternoon the boss and I were out on the course at Pebble Beach as he and Jack Kapp from Decca were playing a few holes. Before long we ran into Bob Hope practicing on the 11th hole. I was on our golf cart so I couldn't hear what was going on but after a few minutes I saw my boss chasing Bob with his club in the air. Unfortunately old Ski Nose swiped the cart to make his getaway and I was in it. As he was tearing across the course, Bob saw me and got this funny look on his face. Back at the clubhouse Bob took me along with him as he went inside...

I hung out with Bob in the clubhouse for awhile waiting for boss to come back. Bob in the mean time kept everyone amused by doing impressions with me. I had to admit it was pretty funny even if it was my boss he was making fun of. George Burns had to pick Jack Benny up off the floor twice! It seemed like forever but finally Bing showed up. Bob immediately stashed me behind his back. Boss walked over to Bob. He said, "Well, Robert that was some trick you pulled out there." Bob threw his shoulders back and grinned; "Yes, I am quite proud of myself." By now, everyone in the clubhouse was listening to them. Bingo said, "In your haste to leave, Bob, I think you may have left something behind." Now, I had a bad angle on this but I overheard the men talking later about how the smile fell from Bob's face and how big his eyes got when he finally realized that he had left his clubs out on the greens. Bob tore out of the clubhouse like a crazy person, pushing pass boss and tossing me on a table to his left. Boss laughed heartily as he watched Bob and yelled after him, "try the water hazard on the 11th, Ski Nose!" He then turned and picked me up, gave me a good looking over, and tucked me safely into his shirt pocket....

I accompanied the boss back to our house and I was looking forward to a nice relazing evening with Dixie and the boys after that fiasco with ol' Hook Nose at the clubhouse but as soon as we walked in I knew it wasn't to be. Dixie met Bingo at the door with word that Hope had just stopped by and was waiting in the living room to apologize for stealing the golf cart. I heard the boss mutter something to Dixie about his motherly instinct and throwing Bob out but we went in to see him anyway. Bob jumped up and told Bing that he was very sorry about the days happenings. Bingo accepted and offered his own apology for depositing Bob's clubs in the water hazard. The boss then put some tobacco in me and lit up as they bothe sat down and talked about the upcoming clambake at Pebble Beach. After a few minutes Bing asked Bob if he wanted to stay for dinner. Bob replied that Dolores was out of town and that he would love to stay. Bing then took me out of his mouth and sat me down on the end table as he got up to go in the kitchen to tell Dixie and the help to add an extra place at the table. As Boss went through the kitchen door I saw Bob reach into his pocket and pull out a little container of ground Jalapeno pepper. He picked me up, dumped a bit in me, and quickly sat me down and put the pepper away just as Bing walked back in...

I knew no good would come from this! I hoped that Bing would notice the apparent gleam in Bob's eye but he didn't. He walked back to his seat and grabbed me. I felt helpless; I knew I had to do something and quick. As Bing and Bob continued to chat, I ran through my list of options. Of course I couldn't yell out but I did manage to puff out a ring of smoke. Unfortunately, Bing thought nothing of my smoke signals and lifted me closer to his lips. I knew there was nothing else I could do. Bob leaned in closer watching intently. Bing clenched me between his teeth and was just about to inhale when the doorbell rang....

Bing jumped up and pulled me from his mouth and asked Bob who could it be. He sat me down on the table (I could see the glee drop some from Bob's face) and went over and opened the door. I couldn't see who it was but the voice was unmistakenly that of John Scott Trotter. He and Bing came in to the living room and Bob exchanged pleasantries with John and they all sat down. John said he was just passing by and stopped in to see if Bing had looked over the music for the recording session tomorrow at Decca. He began munching on nuts from the end table so Bing asked if he wanted to stay for dinner. He said that he would if it wasn't too much trouble so Bing got up to tell Dixie of the extra mouth. As the boss got up Bob told him that he should tell the help to sit TWO extra places given John's voracious appetite! As Bing came out, just as I feared, he picked me up and as he sat down he put me back in his mouth...

I had hoped that the doorbell would put a damper on Bob's little practical joke but no such luck. As Boss prepared to take a drag, I braced myself. I knew the outcome would not be pretty. The three men continued to chat about the recording session and about Bob's upcoming appearance on the Kraft Music Hall. It seemed like an eternity before Bing finally took a puff. Bob's eyes grew big as he watched Bing puff away. I was rather curious myself; it seemed that he didn't even notice the jalepenos! Bing continued his conversation and happily puffed away. Finally, he noticed the strange look on Bob's face. As they stood to walk to the dining room, Bing asked casually, "Anything wrong, Robert?" "Nah-no" Bob stuttered, "let's eat." Bob turned to walk away but boss grabbed his arm. "Some like it hot, Bob old boy," Bing exclaimed with a devilish grin on his face....

Well, I never thought things could possibly get any worse than that day with Bob at Pebble Beach and then back at the house but I was wrong. A few days later Bing and I were at Del Mar for a race. The boss had bought a new horse and was hoping this one would do better than the last few. Bing had lit up before going to the box at the race. The race was exciting, so exciting that Bing had taken me out of his mouth to root on his new horse when it moved into second place midway through. The horse finished 5th out of 12 horses and Bing was so happy that he went down trackside to congratulate the jockey for not finishing last as so many of his horses do. In fact he was so elated that he forgot to pick me up from the table when he left. I thought he would be back soon so I didn't think much of it right away. But an hour or two later I was still there and Bing hadn't returned and everybody had gone home, everybody except the boys with garbage bags cleaning up the stands, I hope they recognize me and don't throw me away with the trash. Oh no, I am getting worried about this! Those guys are getting closer to the box, what am I going to do if they throw me away...Bing where are you?!

Needless to say I was frightened. I had never been faced with this situation before and it seemed my fate rested in the hands of a man carrying a garbage bag! As they grew closer, one of them noticed me. "Hey Tom, look at this", he yelled, "someone left their heater!" "That's a nice pipe," the other commented. "Well, it doesn't look like anyone's going to show up. I think I'll take it." He picked me up, knocked out the tobacco, and put me in his pocket. His friend nudged him and with a grin said, "Better be careful, Bill. That could be Bing Crosby's pipe!" "Even if it is, he can afford a new one!" They kept laughing and talking and I kept wondering how I was going to get out to this one. I sat tight and waited for Boss to show. After awhile, we moved out into the parking lot. The 2 decided to take a breather so they sat down to rest on a curb. Bill took me out of his pocket and was giving me a good looking over when a boy walked pass us. "Hey kid, where ya going" one of the men yelled. "I'm waiting for my dad...Hey, that's a neat pipe!" "Thanks Kid", he replied and gave a wink to his buddy, "this was once the pipe of Mr. Bing Crosby." "Really", the child exclaimed, "I've seen all of his movies!" "Hey, you want this one? Me and Bingo are good friends; I can always get another." "Wow, thanks mister!" The child took me and I must say I was relieved to be away from the garbage men. He found his dad and on the way home he showed me off and told his dad the entire story. His father laughed especially at the boys comment about returning me to Bing. I was happy until his father let him know quite firmly that he wasn't driving him to Bing crosby's house. The next morning found me in the child's backpocket as he peddled his way up the street. Suprisingly, we ended up at Bing's front door; he was able to squeeze past the front gate. He stood on his tip-toes and pushed the doorbell. Slowly, the door swung open...

And there was Mrs. Crosby. She asked the little boy what he wanted and he told her that he wanted to see Bing. I think Dixie was quite amazed that the boy had enough nerve to come in through the gate and ring the doorbell so she listened to his story and took a look at me. She told the boy that I looked familiar and that it might be his since the boy got me from a man in the Del Mar parking lot who said that I was Bing's. She told the boy that Mr. Crosby wasn't home but was down at Decca's recording studio on Melrose near Paramount's lot so he might want to go down and tell Bing about the pipe and see what he says. So my new little friend put me back in his pocket as he peddled down the street. Soon we passed Paramount and arrived at my second home, Decca Records. Entering the building my friend met a hostile welcome from the secretary who told him that no visitors were allowed in the studios unless invited. So, with head hung low the little guy and I went out the front door. Wondering what to do next, we peddled around the building and suddenly our spirits rose as he spied a door which was ajar. Getting off the bicycle, the boy and I slowly entered and peered through the darkness...

Standing before us was the boss himself in all of his glory. He was just about to leave and was slightly startled at the sight of the small boy standing so eagerly before him. "Mr. Crosby, I think I have something of yours," he said rather meagerly as he gazed in awe at his idol. "What's your name, son?" "James," he replied as he pulled me from his back pocket. "Well, James, let me see whatcha got!" I could see Bing's eyes light up as James held me out carefully. Bing grabbed me and James began his story of how he had found me. Bing was amazed at the boy's ingenuity and determination and was rather greatful to have me back. "Well, Jim, since you went to so much trouble to return my old pipe, I think I may have a little something for you...."

...reaching into his pocket Bing pulled out two pieces of paper. He told the boy that they were two passes for him to be in the audience of next Thursday's Kraft Music Hall with Bob Hope. He asked James who he would come with and James said he had a little friend named Cathy who liked the boss as much as he did. Bing told the boy he was looking forward to seeing James in the audience and meeting his friend Cathy. The boss and I escorted James out to his bike and wished him well as he rode off. When next Thursday rolled around I was looking forward to seeing my friend James again. Before the show Bing and I went out and looked through the audience. Seeing James the boss went over to say hi. He shook James's hand and James introduced his friend Cathy. When Bing shook her hand she was speechless and then she got all pale and fainted. Bob had seen her faint and rushed out with some smelling salt from the first aid cabinet. When Cathy came to and saw both Bing and Bob looking over her she fainted again... Cathy came to and with new-found strength reached over and slapped little James in the head! James awoke with a start...he was still in the front seat of his dad's station wagon and I was still safely in his front pocket. The little fellow must have been dreaming. He was now more determined than ever to return me to my rightful owner....

Arriving home James told his dad that he was going next door to play with his best friend Cathy. Little James hopped the fence with me still in his pocket, looking up I saw the most stunningly beautiful girl I ever saw in my life sitting on the backporch listening to a record of the boss. We ran up onto the porch and my buddy pulled me out of his pocket and showed me to her. James told her who I was and how he came to possess me. Cathy took me and looked me over. She told James that we would have to return me to the boss right away. James told her that his dad wouldn't take him to Bing's house so she ran inside to show her dad and mom and tell them the story. Her parents were sympathetic but told her that the boss had lots of money and could buy a new one so she should just keep me as a momento...which, considering how gorgeous she was, didn't sound so bad to me! Cathy took me back outside and told James that she didn't have any luck so they would have to find a way to get to Bing themselves. They both thought awhile and then Cathy told James that they couldn't send it to Bing because it might never get to him personally so they would have take it to him. James said that they could take the train down to LA and walk to his house. They both rode their bikes to the station to get tickets for the train the next day. While James was admiring the new streamlined locomotives of the Southern Pacific Railroad parked near the station, Cathy was inside looking around. While there, she saw a poster on the wall announcing that Bing was making a whistlestop at the station tomorrow as part of the drive for war bonds. Excited, she ran out of the station door and looked for James. Seeing him up in the cab of the locomotive talking to the engineer and fireman, she called out for him. The fireman looked down at her and asked James what his little friend wanted. James came down and Cathy told him that the boss was coming to the station on a train tomorrow at 10 a.m. James said that they could give me back to Bing then. Cathy said that was a good idea. We all rode home and that night I got to stay in Cathy's room...

We woke up early the next morning. Me and the 2 kiddos were raring to go! Soon, James met us and we peddled our way to the station. Boss' train was set to appear at 9 a.m. We arrived right as the train was pulling in. The kids parked their bikes and walked toward the throngs of people who were rushing to catch a glimpse of their favorite stars. In the midst of the mayhem, someone bumped into Cathy. I, who before this was safely in Cathy's backpocket, felt myself falling....

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!! Umpfffff!! Ohhhh, my head...that rock was hard! I hope I don't get stepped on down here!! Darn that Cathy, she's a knockout but sometimes I wonder if she has a brain! OUCH! Someone just steeped on me. Thank goodness, here comes James and Cathy and they are searching the ground for me. Yes! They see me and James is reaching down for me...I'm saved! He handed me to Cathy and we tried to push to the front of the crowd but there was just so many people who turned out to see the boss. James told Cathy that he had an idea. He took her hand and led us around the crowd to the passenger cars. I could hardly believe it but we jumped up into one of the cars when the conductor wasn't looking and we headed for the observation car in the rear....

The train car was full of people...famous people. I was used to that sort of thing but the kids were absolutely starstruck. Both stared wide-eyed into the faces of America's most beloved entertainers. Luckily, James remembered me and our intended mission and proceeded to push through the crowd searching for Boss. We were only seconds into the search when someone yelled out..."Hey, where did those kids come from!? Get them out of here!" Hearing this and being slightly concerned, James and Cathy took off at full speed with 3 porters chasing after us. We pushed past starlettes, went through the legs of directors, and even jumped over one guy. Soon we simply ran out of train...the kids ducked into a side door. Inside, sitting quietly reading the daily news, was the Boss himself...

He looked up from his paper and told the kids to close the door and sit down. He asked them how they got on the train and if they were looking for someone in particular. James was in awe of the boss and was speechless but Cathy, while unable to either, managed to hold me up for Bing to see. He took a look at me and boy was he happy to see me again. He told the kids that he had given me up for gone when he went back to the track for me and I wasn't there. He got the kids to share their story on how they came to find me. He told Cathy and James how much I meant to him and that he wanted to reward their hard efforts at returning me to him. Much to their amazement he wrote down each of their telephone numbers and said that he would get in touch with them about being in a few scenes with him in the next movie. The kids got off the train still awestruck but managed to wave to us as the trained pulled out of town...but suddenly the earth started to shake...and Cathy...snapped out of her daze. She had been daydreaming while listening to Bing give his plug for war bonds and James just shook her awake as Bing finished up. He told Cathy that the train would soon leave so they would have to act fast...

The kids pushed through the crowd and headed to the back of the train. Looking around briefly to see if anyone was looking, the three of us carefully crept inside. The car was empty...seemed like everyone was toward the front of the train. As we advanced, a door suddenly swung open in front of us. Stepping casually out into the aisle was the Chairman of the Board himself, Frank Sinatra. The kids were stunned to see him at first and he was shocked to see them as well. He turned, glared down at them, and said....

Hey you kids, you want something? You lookin' for someone? Cathy managed to get out a hesitant yes and Frank asked who we were looking for. James got out a "Bing" and Frank crossed his arms and asked us just exactly why we would want to see such a busy guy as Bing. Cathy pulled me out of her pocket and held me up shakily and told Frank that I was Bing's pipe and that they wanted to return me to my owner. After studying the matter a bit, Frank told the kids that Mr. Crosby was busy looking over his speech for the next whistlestop and that the train was about to pull out of the station so if they would allow it he would take me and make sure that I got to Bing. The kids, figuring I would be in safe hands agreed and turned me over to the Chairman and jumped off the last car just as the train was starting to move. Frank waved to the kids and they waved back at us as they watched us pick up speed and move away from the station. As Frank turned away from the window and headed for the bar car he looked me over and put me into his pocket. A while later he was sitting at the bar and I heard him talking to someone but I couldn't make out the voice. Soon he reached into his pocket and pulled me out. There sitting next to him was Patty Andrews. I remember all the fun Bing and I used to have in the studio with her and her sisters. Frank showed me to her and told her about his finding of the kids on the train and the story they told about the pipe. She took a look at me and told Frank that I sure looked like the pipe Bing always had with him. Frank told her that she could have me as he was getting off at the next station and going back to L.A. She agreed to take me and she put me in her purse...

I hung out for a long time in Patty Andrews' purse, clanking around with her compact and lipstick until she finally pulled me out. At least a day had elasped since she had put me in the purse and it appeared that we were now at some sort of studio. Now, finally, perhaps I could be returned to Bing. Patty seemed rather suprised to see me when she opened her purse; it appeared that she had forgotten I was even in there. She looked me over, layed me down on the counter, and walked away. Soon, she came back accompanied by none other than Dorothy Lamour. Patty explained the situation and Dottie agreed to take me with her. A script reading was set for early the next week for the new "Road" picture. So, there I was back in a woman's purse...

...and a much smaller one to boot. After several hours of these cramped quarters I began to hear some fine Dixieland music and a short time later the purse finally opened. Dottie reached in and pulled me out and handed me to someone. As my eyes adjusted to the light I could see we were in some sort of club and when I turned around I couldn't believe my eyes, it was the boss' brother Bob. Bob told Dottie that he wasn't sure if he would see Bing in the next few days or not but he would try to get the pipe back to his brother. As Bob put me in his jacket pocket and headed back to the bandstand and the rest of the Bobcats, I thought to myself that it wouldn't be much longer until I was back in the hands of the boss - if I only knew what circuitous path awaits me...

I was only in Bob's pocket for a short time. Seeing that I was banging against the bandstand everytime he moved, Bob took me out of his pocket and placed me on a nearby table. Being the busy guy Bob was, he actually forgot about me for awhile. I was getting nervous; the situation seemed so familiar but finally he came to retrieve me. He was looking me over as we made our way to the bar. I could hardly believe what I saw...there, sitting at the bar, was King Leer himself...Dean Martin. Bob took the stool next to Dean and as they traded pleasantries Dean glanced over at me. "Whatcha got there pally? You taken up the pipe?" "No, it's one of Bing's. I'm supposed to give it back to him but I have a good mind just to throw it in the trash. It could be weeks before I see him and I'm not too excited about carrying this thing around. "Well, Brother Bob, I'll be seeing him in a coupla days at the golf tournament." "Would you mind giving it to him? I think everyone has had there hands on it even Sinatra." "Frank, huh? Well, I'll see what I can do." Bob handed me over to Dean and headed for the exit. I was somewhat dissapointed since I thought Bob would be my best chance to get home. But, it may not be so bad here with Dean. He tucked me away in his pocket and ordered another drink, and another, and another, and.......

Pretty soon ole Dino forgot all about me. It was getting kinda late but the dixieland music from the Bobcats was real good and the trumpet player was super. In fact, I had never heard the Bobcats sounding so good and I was wondering who Bob had got to play the trumpet. Once the band stopped playing I heard Dino call out for someone to come over to the bar. I instantly recognized the voice of the other guy...it was none other than the best trumpet player around - Satchmo! - Louis Armstrong. Dean asked Louis how he was doing and they talked a bit about his guest appearance with the Bobcats. Satchmo mentioned that he was flying back to New Orleans for the rest of the weekend and that he hoped to meet with John Scott Trotter who was in town picking up some gourmet oysters. Dino reached into his pocket and pulled me out and related my story to Louis. Satchmo said that he would try to get me to John Scott. I thought to myself as he slipped me in his pocket and headed for the airport that even if I didn't get to John Scott I would sure get to hear some great jazz!

It took awhile but me and Satch finally touched down in New Orleans. After Louis said his goodbyes to Dino, he took me from his pocket and carefully placed me in his trumpet case. What an honor it was to be next to such a great instrument and safely housed in a case lined with velvet! It was the most elegant of all the places I had stayed during my journey. The next day Louis opened the case, took me out, and placed me in his pocket. He was leaving his trumpet behind so I figured we were going to track down John Scott Trotter. We made our way down the street headed towards the open market in the heart of the French Quarters. We passed by tourists and street performers; jazz echoed from the open doors of all of the little shops along the way. Suprisingly enough, Louis was able to navigate the streets without anyone bothering him. He would give a wave every now and then when one of them would shout Satchmo and that seemed to satisfy everyone. We arrived at the market and headed to the back where the oysters are sold and sure enough there was John Scott. After John paid for his oysters, the two men made there way to the Cafe du Monde for a cup of coffee. They chatted for about an hour before Louis pulled me from his pocket. Trotter seemed interested in my story and took me from Louis. John Scott also mentioned that Bing had said something about coming down and joining him in New Orleans this weekend but no definite plans were made. The two men parted ways and I was now in the shirt pocket of John Scott Trotter headed to his Bourbon Street hotel room...

As we walked down the street I noticed that John Scott had a habit of stopping outside the door of every cafe where jazz was being played. I guess he just couldn't resist that hot music played in such a fine style. When he needs a new member in his band, I bet this is where he comes to find the best! When we got back to the hotel and entered the lobby, I heard someone call Mr. Trotter's name. I recognized the voice as Bing's old golfing buddy, Ben Hogan. Ben told John Scott that he would be seeing his boss tomorrow as they were teaming up in a celebrity-pro golf tournament. John Scott Trotter reached into his pocket, pulled me out, and told my story to Ben. Mr. Hogan said that he recognized me as the pipe the Boss always had with him when he was out playing a few links and that he would try and get me back where I belong. Ben put me in his pocket as he and John departed...

I soon found myself in the side pocket of Ben Hogan's golfbag. It was an honor to be carried around by such a great golfer. I was very excited, looking forward to seeing Boss again. It had been such a long time since the incident at Del Mar. Morning arrived and me and the clubs were carefully transported to the links in the back of a stretch limo. The car pulled to a halt and I felt the golf clubs being hoisted up on someone's shoulders. Soon, I heard a voice, a familiar one at that. It was Bing!! He sounded so close; could it be him carrying the clubs?! I managed to peek out of the pocket and sure enough, it was him. He must be borrowing Hogan's clubs for the day! Now if only Ben would remember to tell him; if only Bing would look in the pocket....

What will become of Smokey, Bing's beloved pipe? Check back to catch the rest of the story.

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