Real statements from insurance company records

• Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.

• The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intent.

• I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.

• In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.

• I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.

• I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.

• I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.

• My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.

• As I approached the intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no sign had ever appeared before, making me unable to avoid the accident.

• I told the police I was not injured, but upon removing my hair, I found that I had a fractured skull.

• I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.

• I saw a slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.

• The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.

• I was thrown from my car as it left the road, and was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.

• A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.

• I thought my window was down, but I found out it was up when I put my head through it.

• To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.

• I was taking my canary to the hospital. It got loose in the car and flew out the window. The next thing I saw was his rear end, and there was a crash.

• The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.

• The pedestrian had no idea which way to run, so I ran over him.

• An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.

• A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.

• I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law, and headed over the embankment.

	Rhetorical Questions

• Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

• Why is lemon juice mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?

• Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

• If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

• How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?

• If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

• If God dropped acid, would he see people?

• If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

• If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

• If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

• If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?

• If you're born again, do you have two belly-buttons?

• If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?

• If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

• If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

• Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Orientals throw hamburgers?

• If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?

• Why is the alphabet in order? Is it because of that song?

• If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?

• Do fish get cramps after eating?

• If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of the stuff?

• Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

• If most car accidents occur within five miles of home, why doesn't everyone just move 10 miles away?

	Actual Announcements from Church Bulletins

• Don't let worry kill you - let the church help.

• Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

• For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

• The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Allen Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.

• This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north end of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.

• Tuesday at 4:00 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk should please come early.

• Wednesday the Ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing "Put me in my little bed" accompanied by the Pastor.

• Thursday at 5:00 PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become Little Mothers, please see the minister in his study.

• Thursday night - Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

• This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

• The service will close with "Little Drops of Water". One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.

• Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of a new carpet. All wishing to do something on the carpet will come forward and do so.

• The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday.

• A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

• At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.