30 Fun Things to do When Driving
1. Vary your vehicle's speed inversely with the speed limit.
2. Roll down your windows and blast talk radio. Attempt to headbang.
3. At stop lights, eye the person in the next car suspiciously. with a look of fear, lock your doors.
4. Two words: Chicken suit.
5. Write the words "Help me" on your back window in red paint. The more it looks like blood, the better.
6. Have conversations, looking periodically at the passenger seat, when driving alone.
8. Stop at the green lights.
9. Go at the red ones.
11. Eat food that requires silverware.
12. Pass cars, then drive very slowly.
13. Sing without having the radio on.
14. Honk frequently without motivation.
15. Wave at people often. If they wave back, offer an angry look and an obscene gesture.
16. Ask people for Gray Poupon.
17. Let pedestrians know who's boss.
18. Look behind you frequently, with a very paranoid look.
19. Restart your car at every stop light.
21. Lob burning things in the windows of smokers who throw their butts out the window.
24. Keep at least five cats in the car.
25. Have some passengers in the back who are having wild, noisy sex.
27. Stop and collect roadkill.
28. Stop and pray to roadkill.
29. Throw Spam.
Q. What did Tyson say to Holyfield after the referee took two points away from him?
A. "Come ear."
Q: What did Tyson say to Don King back in the dressing room?
A: "You're right. It did taste like chicken!"
If Tyson gets banned for life, he could always become a barber. Think
about it: You could walk into his shop and say, "Hey, Mike! Could you
take a little off the ears?"
Have you heard that Holyfield-Tyson III is going to be held in
Tennessee? Yeah, Don Kings' calling it the Chattanooga Chew Chew.
Q: What do Marv Albert and Mike Tyson have in common?
A: They're both from New York.
Q: Who's the latest person to get tatooed on Tyson's arms?
A: Jeffery Dahmer.
Q: What did Holyfield say after the fight?
A: Ear today, gone tommorrow.
The rematch will be shown on the Food Network.
**************
When asked if there would be another rematch,
Holyfield said " I have nothing
to fear, but ear itself"
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The rematch can be ordered by "pay per chew" on the Food Network.
---------------------------------------------------------------------- =
1) Tyson-Holyfield II: The fight that was watched around the lobe.
2) It certainly was an eery fight.
3) I guess you'd call last night "The bite of the century."
4) I've heard of an ear for music, but for boxing?
5) I guess Tyson bit off more than he could chew last night.
6) Tyson tried to win with all his bight.
7) After last night's loss to Holyfield, Tyson's going to reaffirm the
expression "ear today, gone tomorrow."
8) I'm thinking of composing a "bite song" for Tyson's next fight.
9) You've heard of Friday night at the fights? In the 90s, it's Saturday
night at the bites.
10) Tyson epitomizes what a prize biter is all about.
11) I bet they had a few good sound bites on the radio last night.
12) Tyson must have heard wrong, Holyfield said let's go out for a bite
*after* the fight.
13) We have a new superhero: Biteman!
14) Tyson sure lost some edibility last night.
15) Have you noticed that Tyson Chickens are missing ears?
16) Holyfield gave Tyson an earful during the fight.
17) Tyson's game plan? Play it by ear.
18) Tyson's favorite song? The Erie Canal.
19) Tyson's favorite movie? From Ear to Eternity.
20) The moral of the fight? To ear is human, to forgive divine.
21) Tyson thought the ad said, "I wanna be like Marv."
************************************************************************
The Top 15 New Problems for Mike Tyson
15. Fight controversy may adversely affect pro wrestling career.
14. Upcoming TV special with Martha Stewart in doubt.
13. That constant ringing in his mouth.
12. Spock vs. Tyson bout hastily canceled.
11. Can't decide between the Crest & Colgate endorsement deals.
10. Kids really start to freak out whenever he tries to play "Got Your Nose."
9. New nickname of "Nipsy" less intimidating than "Iron Mike."
8. Has absolutely no idea how to handle his next opponent, Vinny "No Ears" Bottatucci.
7. Nobel people called -- they want their peace prize back.
6. Saturday: Bite some guy's ear off.
Sunday: Ozzy Osbourne won't stop pestering you to go for a drink.
5. Willing opponents now down to Vincent Van Gogh and J. Paul Getty, Jr.
4. Don King, fearing a loss of credibility, ups commission from 98 to 99%
3. ASPCA has yet to approve match with Marmaduke.
2. He's starting to make O.J. look respectable.
And the # 1 New Problem for Mike Tyson ...
1. Recurring fantasies about Ross Perot and Prince Charles.
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Did anyone hear that they are coming out with a new Mike Tyson computer??
It has two bytes and no memory!!!
And you have to headbutt it to get it started.
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1. Q: What did Louis Farrakahn say to Mike Tyson after the fight?
A: No stupid an Eye for an Eye!!!!
2. Tyson's psychologist told Mike to take a year off, he obviously
misunderstood....good thing he didn't say two!
3. Evander after the fight - "Maybe I shouldn't have told him to
'Bite Me'"
4. Tyson's favorite football team-the Tampa Bay Buc-an-EARS.
5. For the third fight between Mike and Evander, Tyson wants it to be
held in Earie, PA.
6. New Tyson burger: There is a piece of the champ in every bite!!!
7. They are making a new boxing term for Tyson....instead of KO, it
will be a Van Gogh. "Evander was Van Gogh'd in the third!!!"
8. Can't beat um...Eat um!!!!
9. If Tyson fights Golatta, is it more points for a low blow or an
ear bite?
10. In this corner Evander "the Real Meal" Holyfield!!!!!!!
11. Before the fight, Mike's trainer told him to get a piece of
Holyfied. Oops, bad advice.
<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Coming to Tyson's Defense
LAS VEGAS (AP) Boxer Mike Tyson today apologized for biting the ears of opponent Evander Holyfield during their title fight this week. However, immediately following the press conference, Tyson came back to the podium, and announced that he was retracting his apology, after consulting with newly-hired defense attorney Johnny Cochran.
Tyson now claims he was "nowhere near" Holyfield's ear at any time during the fight. In fact, he says that "that isn't even me in the video!"- he now claims he was detained in the dressing room for an extended pre-fight shower, in which he chipped golf balls and packed a suitcase while munching a Big Mac with Kato Kaelin.
The video, he claimed, was "obviously a forgery" and doctored to make it LOOK like he was fighting Holyfield, but "that wasn't me. The fact that someone would go to the trouble of editing a video PROVES there's a police conspiracy here.", also explaining his reason for taking swings at a Nevada state trooper.
Cochran then took the podium to announce his client was "absolutely, 23% not guilty, and I don't care if both men are black- the obvious racial overtones have to be considered here."
Cochran also announced that not only is Mike Tyson going to remain in boxing, but that he has already secured a deal for an upcoming match against Hannibal Lechter. The famous defense attorney stated he would continue on the case until (a) Tyson runs out of money, or (b) he finds the 'real biter'.
~~~
And in an interview today Evander Holyfield was quoted as saying "When he said he wanted a piece of me I never imagined he meant it so literally. And when I told him to bite me I assumed he knew it was a figure of speech."
1. Q: What did Louis Farrakahn say to Mike Tyson after the fight?
A: No stupid an Eye for an Eye!!!!
2. Tyson's psychologist told Mike to take a year off, he
obviously misunderstood....good thing he didn't say two!
3. Evander after the fight, "Maybe I shouldn't have told him to
'Bite Me' "
4. Tyson's favorite football team-the
Tampa Bay Buc-an-EARS.
5. For the third fight between Mike and Evander, Tyson wants
it to be held in Earie PA.
6. New Tyson burger: There is a piece of the champ in every
bite!!!
7. They are making a new boxing term for Tyson....instead of
KO, it will be a Van Gogh. "Evander was Van Gogh'd in the
third!!!"
8. Can't beat um...Eat um!!!!
9. If Tyson fights Golatta, is it more points for a low blow or an
ear bite?
10. In this corner Evander "the Real Meal" Holyfield!!!!!!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Mike Tyson Excuses"
As presented on the 06/30/97 broadcast of LATE SHOW with
DAVID LETTERMAN
10. Got a little carried away after seeing "Face/Off"
9. Really wanted to win first prize on "America's Funniest
Home Videos"
8. Like this doesn't happen every year in the Masters
7. Whenever Moe bites Curly's ear, it's hilarious!
6. Has to do this kind of thing to compensate for the fact that
he talks like Melanie Griffith
5. I guess you've never heard of a little thing called "strategy"
4. Ears is tasty
3. "It was self-defense -- he wouldn't stop punching me"
2. "Disqualified" sounds better than "got his ass kicked all over the ring"
1. He ran out of gum
I heard Tyson bit Holyfield on the ear...uh oh..someone misses prison food.
Tyson appologized and said "I just snapped...".if he snaps one more time...Kellogg's will make him a rice krispie.
They say you are what you eat...so then, Mike will be a better fighter now...
The newest ruling is that Tyson won because Holyfield's ear was
on the matt for more than 10 seconds.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. What would have made Mike Tyson's apology seem more sincere?
A. Don King drinking a glass of water at the same time!
__________________________________________________________________
The Tyson incident brings on the inevitable flood of ear-y jokes:
Mike Tyson is opening up a restaurant called Silk Purse.
Friends, Romans, Holyfields...lend him an ear.
You heard it ear first.
I can't ear you, Mikey.
Mike never did well in charades, constantly getting stumped on the "Sounds like.." clue.
... Holyfield-lite... less filling - tastes great!
Listen Evander and you will hear
Mike Tyson's incisors chewing your ear.
[with apologies to Longfellow]
Mike never did get that the thing about "a cauliflower ear".
At $30,000,000, those ears were the most expensive meal never swallowed in history.
And to top it off, Holyfield is suing Tyson for harassment, specifically chewing sweet nothings in his ear.
What do you serve with ears, anyway?
Certainly an advertisement for sharp earrings.
Imagine Tyson and Dennis Rodman teaming up.
Or Tyson and Jenny Craig.
Tyson insists that he saw a sign when he walked in advertising "all you can eat".
Don King's new slogan: If you can't beat em, eat em.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Tyson Chicken is changing their name:
They will now be known as "Tyson is Chicken"
They are also coming out with a new line of COLD CUTS:
The latest tastie morsol is the Hollyfield Earloaf...
Did you hear the about the fan walking around in the ring after the fight??
He found himself quite a souven-ear...
Tyson puts a new spin on chewing someones ear off...
Did you hear (no pun) about Mike Tysons new Career?
He is now a Corporate Spokesman
He works for Mighty DOG - Special Pitbull Formular - Taste testing...
Tyson's behavior was really ear-responsible...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The top-10 Mike Tyson jokes.
NO. 10
Tyson already has his next fight lined up, with Lorena Bobbitt.
Winner eats all.
NO. 9
This gives new meaning to "box lunch."
NO. 8
Reporter: "Evander, what did you think when Tyson bit off your ear?"
Holyfield: "What?"
NO. 7
Spock-vs.-Tyson bout hastily canceled
NO. 6
What did Mike Tyson say to Van Gogh?
"You gonna eat that?"
NO. 5
Did you hear about the new Mike Tyson computer?
It has two bytes and no memory
NO. 4
Next bout: Tyson vs. Hannibal Lecter, with Julia Child to referee.
To be held in Hungary. Billed as, "The snackfest in Budapest."
NO. 3
How does Mike Tyson differ from Metallica? Metallica leaves a
ringing in your ears. Tyson leaves your ear in a ring.
NO. 2
Slogans for Tyson-Holyfield III
*The Third Gogh Around
*Dahmer vs. Psalmer
*The Last Supper
*Ear-Reconcilable Differences
*Grazing Bull
*You Wanna Piece of Me?
*Blood Sweat and Ears
*No Lobe Lost
*Bite of the Century
*Because you're dumb enough to pay for it.
NO. 1
When interviewed after the fight, Tyson's first remarks were that
"it tasted like chicken."
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What girls say ...what they mean
------------------------ ----------------------------------
Can't we just be friends? There is no way in hell I am going
to let any part of your body
touch
any part of mine, again.
I just need some space ...without you in it
Can you help me with my If I keep whining, the fool will do
homework? it for me.
Do I look fat in this dress? We haven't had a fight in a while
No, pizza's fine Cheap bastard
I just do not want a boyfriend I just do not want (you as) a boy-
now friend
I don't know; what do you want I can't believe that you have
to do? nothing planned
Come here My puppy does this too
I like you but... I don't like you
You never listen You never listen
We're moving too quickly I am not going to sleep with you
until I find out if this guy
in Bio
has a girlfriend
I'll be ready in a minute I AM ready, but I am going to make
you wait because I know you
will.
Oh, no, I will pay for myself I am just being nice; there is no
way I am going dutch
Oh Yes! Right there Well, near there; I just want to
get this over with
I'm just going out with the We are gonna get sloppy and make
girls. fun of you and your friends
There's no one else I am doing your brother
Size doesn't count... unless I want an orgasm
____________________________________________________________________
What guys say... ...What they mean...
----------------------------------------------------------------------
It is just orange juice, 3 more shots, and she'll have her
try it legs around my head.
She's kind of cute I want to bang her till I am blue
I don't know if I like her She won't blow me
I need you My hand is tired
I had her I had (wet dreams about) her all
week.
I really want to get to know you ...so we can do what I tell my friends we do better already.
How do I compare with all your Is my penis really that small?
Other boyfriends?
You're the only girl I've ever You are the only girl who has
cared about not rejected me
I want you back ...for tonight anyway
We've been through so much If it was not for you, I never
together would have lost my
virginity
I miss you so much I am so horny that my roommate is
starting to look good
No, I do not want to dance Shoot! She'll know that I have a
right now hard-on
The break-up should not start I want to have sex a few more times
for another 24 hours
I am different from all the I am not circumcised
other guys
=============================================================
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Some guys come here
to shit and stink
and pick crabs off their balls...
I come here to sit
and think and write on the walls.
Stoners live and stoners die,
But in the end we all get high.
So if in life you don't succeed,
Fuck it all and smoke some weed.
50 Fun Things To Do In An Elevator
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1. Make race car noises when people get on and off.
2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other
passengers.
3. Grimace painfully while slapping your forehead and muttering, "Shut up dammit,
all of you just SHUT UP!"
4. Whistle the first 7 notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
5. Sell Girl Scout Cookies.
6. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
7. Shave.
8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask, "Got enough air
in there?"
9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear your upside-down.
10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to pull the doors open, then act
embarrassed when they open by themselves.
12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper, "Ever had a Wet Willy?"
13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to
call you "Admiral."
14. One word: Flatulence!
15. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you
hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.
16. Do Tai Chi exercises.
17. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got
new socks on."
18. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back, "Oh, not now, damn
motion sickness!"
19. Give religious tracts to each passenger.
20. Meow occasionally.
21. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
22. Frown and mutter, "Gotta go, gotta go," then sigh and say, "oops!"
23. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
24. Sing "Mary Had a Little Lamb" while continuously pushing buttons.
25. Holler, "Chutes away!!" whenever the elevator descends.
26. Walk on with a cooler that says "Human Head" on the side.
27. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce, "You're one of THEM!"
and move to the far corner of the elevator.
28. Burp, then say, "Mmmmm.....tasty!"
29. Leave a box between the doors.
30. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
31. Wear a hand puppet and talk to the other passengers "through" it.
32. Start a sing-along.
33. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask, "Is that your beeper?"
34. Play the accordion.
35. Shadow box.
36. Say, "Ding!" at each floor.
37. Lean against the button panel.
38. Say, "I wonder what all these do?" and then push ALL the red buttons.
39. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
40. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers
that this is your "personal space."
41. Bring a chair along.
42. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger, "Wanna see wha in muh
mouf??"
43. Blow spit bubbles.
44. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
45. Announce in a demonic voice, "I must find a more suitable host body."
46. Carry a blanket a clutch it protectively.
47. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
48. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.
49. Stare at your thumb and say, "I think it's getting bigger."
50. If anyone brushes against you, recoil fiercely and scream, "BAD TOUCH!"