Roses Are Red -- Violets Are Blue -- Some Poems Rhyme -- Some Don't
Honorable Secretary of Agriculture
Washington, D.C.
Dear Sir,
My friend, Dan Hansen, over at Honey Creek, Iowa, received a check for $1000 from the government for not raising hogs. So I want to go into the "NOT RAISING
HOGS" business next year.
What I want to know is, in your opinion, what is the best kind of farm not to raise hogs on? And what is the best breed of hogs not to raise? I want to be sure that I approach this endeavor in keeping with all government policies.
As I see it, the hardest part of the "NOT RAISING HOGS" program is keeping an accurate inventory of how many hogs I haven't raised.
My friend Hansen is very joyful about the future of the business. He has been raising hogs for twenty years or so, and the best he has ever made on them was $422.90 in 1968, until this year when he got your check for the $1000 for not raising 50 hogs.
If I get $1000 for not raising 50 hogs, then would I get $2000 for not raising 100 hogs? I plan to operate on a small scale at first, holding myself to about 4,000 hogs not raised the first year, which would bring in about $80,000, then I can afford an airplane.
Now another thing, these hogs I will not raise will not eat 100,000 bushels of corn. I understand that the government also pays people not to raise corn and wheat. Would I qualify for payments for not raising these crops not to feed my hogs I will not be raising?
I want to get started as soon as possible as this seems to be a good time of the year for the 'NOT RAISING HOGS" and "NOT PLANTING CROPS" business.>br>
Also I am giving serious consideration to the "NOT MILKING COWS" business and any information you would have on this endeavor would be greatly appreciated.
In view of the fact that I will be totally unemployed, I will be filing for unemployment and food stamps, and was wondering how long that process takes.
Be assured, Mr. Secretary, you will have my vote in the upcoming election.
Patriotically Yours,
Don Genereaux
P.S. Would you please notify me when you plan to give out the free cheese again!
.If Your Parents Didn't Have Any Childen, Chances Are You Won't Either!.
A keen country lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department store.In fact it was the biggest store in the world - you could get anything there.
The boss asked him, "Have you ever been a salesman before?"
Yes, I was a salesman in the country" said the lad. The boss liked the cut of him and said, "You can start tomorrow and I'll come and see you when we close up."
The day was long and arduous for the young man, but finally 5 o'clock came around. The boss duly fronted up and asked, "How many sales did you make today?".
"One," said the young salesman.
"Only one," blurted the boss, "Most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth?"
"Three hundred thousand dollars," said the young man.
"How did you manage that?" asked the flabbergasted boss.
"Well," said the salesman "this man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium hook and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one and a huge big one. I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast. I said he would probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that twenty foot schooner with the twin engines. Then he said his Volkswagen probably wouldn't be able to pull it, so I took him to the car department and sold him the new Deluxe Cruiser."
The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, "You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fish hook?"
"No," answered the salesman "He came in to buy a box of Tampons for his wife and I said to him, 'Your weekend's shot, you may as well gofishing."
Baseball wrong . . . man with four balls cannot walk!
Virgin like balloon . . . one prick, all gone.
Work to become, not to acquire.
A bird in hand makes hard to blow nose.
Man who put head on Rail Road track to listen for train likely to end up with splitting headache.
Man who tell one too many light bulb jokes will soon burn out!
Woman who cooks carrots and peas in same pot is unsanitary.
Man who eat many prunes, sit on toilet many moons.
Man who drive like hell is bound to get there!
Man who sit on tack get point!
Man who runs behind car gets exhausted!
Man who jumps off cliff, jumps to conclusion!
Don't drink and park, accidents cause people.
War does not determine who's right, war determines who's left.
Those who quote me are fools.
Confucius say too damn much!
IN A TOKYO HOTEL:
Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such a thing is please not to read notis.
IN A BUCHAREST HOTEL LOBBY:
The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.
IN A LEIPZIG ELEVATOR:
Do not enter lift backards, and only when lit up.
IN A PARIS HOTEL ELEVATOR:
Please leave your values at the front desk.
IN A HOTEL IN ATHENS:
Vistors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 AM daily.
IN A YUGOSLAVIAN HOTEL:
The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.
IN A JAPANESE HOTEL:
You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.
IN A BANGKOK DRY CLEANERS:
Drop you trousers here for best results.
IN A RHODES TAILOR SHOP:
Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.
FROM THE SOVIET WEEKLY:
There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 150,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years.
SIGN IN GERMANY'S BLACK FOREST:
It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different gender, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose.p
IN A ZURICH HOTEL:
Because of the impropriety of entertaining guest of the opposite gender in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.
ADVERTISEMENT BY HONG KONG DENTIST:
Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.
IN A ROME LAUNDRY:
Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternon having a good time.
IN CZECHOSLOVAKIN TOURIST AGENCY:
Take one of our horse-driven city tours. We guarantee no miscarriages.
IN SWISS MOUNTAIN INN:
Special today -- no ice cream.
IN COPENHAGEN AIRLINE TICKET OFFICE:
We take your bags and send them in all directions.
ON DOOR OF MOSCOW HOTEL ROOM:
If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.
IN A NORWEGIAN COCKTAIL LOUNGE:
Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.
IN BUDAPEST ZOO:
Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard.
OFFICE OF A ROMAN DOCTOR:
Specialist in women and other diseases.
IN ACAPULCO HOTEL:
The manager has personally passed all the water served here.
IN TOKYO SHOP:
Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run.
FROM CAR RENTAL BROCHURE IN TOKYO:
When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootie the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootie him with vigor.
TWO SIGNS IN ENTRANCE TO MAJORCAN SHOP:
English well speaking.
Here speeching American.
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