Wise things I've learned about:
LIFE IN GENERAL
Contrary to popular belief, Life ain't a bit like a box of
chocolates. It's more like a slice of watermelon. Most of it is
pretty sweet, now and then you get a bitter bite, and you GOTTA
know which parts to spit out.
By the way, it's generally a good idea to stand upwind for the
spittin'.
THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN
You listen good, now. Men and women are NOT from Mars and Venus.
They're both from right here on Earth. The difference is, men
evolved from some sort of dog, while women are obviously
descended from cats... I mean, think about it!
Cats, on the other hand - they're fun to pet, too, but it ain't the same. The cuddle that got you a purr today is just as likely to get you bit tomorrow! It's a good idea not to pet your cat lessen it was her idea in the first place!
If you skipped your brother's wife's neice's best friend's coming out party on account of
you said you were sick, THEN you were seen out at B's Boiler eating crawfish...
well, that'd be tacky.
While it isn't necessarily tacky to fight with family members -
feuding can actually be a fascinating winter sport for them long,
dreary afternoons when you can't fish - doing it in the wrong
setting is almost ALWAYS tacky. If you talk ugly to your mama in
anbody's hearing but hers, that's tacky; if you do it in church,
that's REAL tacky; and, if you talk ugly to your mama in church
and the preacher hears you, that's so tacky you'd best just skip
church next Sunday, since the sermon is probably going to be about
you!
Now, the last thing any Southerner wants is the yankees catching on that we ain't quite as dumb as we seem. Once they figure that out, there goes our edge! Worse yet, they might want to move down here, and you KNOW what they say about that: Yankees is just like hemorrhoids! They come down when you least expect 'em, they irritate the heck out of you, and they just won't go back up! So, in our sincere effort to perpetuate Southern stereotypes, here's a li'l ole something that came to me over the Internet. Thanks, Frank!
Forget poking around in the Florida swamps for the foutain of youth. As long as you laugh enough, you might age but you'll never get old. All that make-up in the case is well and fine, sugar, but there's nobody lovlier than folks who smile with their whole faces! Why, those aren't wrinkles around Maggie's eyes - those're her happy tracks!
© 1997 maggiescafe@usa.net
Once you start pettin' a dog, you've had it! They never seem to get enough and always come back for a little more.
What's Tacky?
Contrary to what Mr. Webster says,
that don't mean "sticky to the touch". It's that line a Southerner just can't
cross without being snubbed at the country club come Monday. For instance:
If you connect to the World Wide Web via a "Down Home Page"
If the bumper sticker on your truck says "My other computer is a laptop."
If your laptop has a sticker that says "Protected by Smith and Wesson."
If you've ever doubled the value of your truck by installing a cellular phone.
If your computer is worth more than all your cars combined.
If your wife said that either she or the computer had to go...and you still don't miss her.
If you've ever used a CD-ROM as a coaster for your beer.
If you ever refer to your computer as "Ole Bessie."
If your screen saver is a bitmap image of your favorite truck, tractor, or farm animal.
If you start all your E-mails with the word "Howdy."
If your spell checker knows words like "Y'all," "Yonder" and "Reckon."
If your cars sit in the yard because your garage is full of dead CPUs, printers, modems and monitors.
If your belt buckle is made from a dead 3.5-inch floppy disk.
If you ever felt you had to move your computer desk so it didn't block the velvet picture of Elvis.
Brother David here has a whole UNIVERSE of his own, but for pure
laugh value, check out
David's
Funny Women of the Web. Maggie herself has just started
exploring this territory and would love to route you to her
favorites, but right now she's laughing too hard to work that
keyboard. Maybe when she settles down... You just go work on your own laugh lines - they're the most attractive feature any girl (or fella) can have!
Get your own Free Home Page