Justin - Yeah, g! I saw dat Backstreet Boys home video 20 times, yo!
Scary Voice - That's not what I'm talking about, you fucking idiot! I
mean, HORROR movies! Like, "Friday the 13th, or something like that!
Justin - Ohhh! Nah, homes, I don't watch shit like dat. At least not
witout my mommy around... hold up a minute, who da hell is dis? I've got a
fly honey comin' over in a second, so I can't be wastin' my flava on you!
Scary Voice - Her name wouldn't be ... Britney, would it?
Justin - HELLS NO! I wouldn't touch dat skank if y'all PAID me!
Scary Voice - Then who the hell do I have tied up on your patio?
Justin - WHAT?!
[Justin runs to the sliding door and turns on the patio lights. There
sits Britney, tied to a chair, bruised and bleeding.]
Justin - Yo, it's abouts time someone did that
Scary Voice - We're going to play a little game, Justin. If you answer
the question right, Britney lives. If you get it wrong, then I kill her and
leave her body in your Benz.
Justin - My Benz! Oh my God, da blood would never come out of da
uphosltery! (Justin starts to cry.) Okay, okay! I'll play yo' game, g!
Scary Voice - First question...name the other members of N Sync in ten
seconds or less.
Justin (pausing) - Uhh, well ... um, there's JC, ... what's-his-face
Chris!... uh, there's one named Lance, right? Okay, dat's four...
Scary Voice- Time's up! Say bye-bye, Britney!
[Justin watches in horror as Britney is gutted, her fat rolls falling
all over the patio.]
Scary Voice - Now, Justin. On to Round Two ... what color are you?
Justin - What?
Scary Voice - You heard me. What COLOR are you?
Justin - Yo, is dis a trick question?
Scary Voice - Wrong answer!
[A dark figure, wearing a white ghost mask, suddenly jumps through the
glass door. He stabs Justin 34 times (violent much?) and hangs his body
from the rafters.]
Justin- (dying)Joey! Dat's who da other one is!
[The next day at Transcon, N Sync finds out the horrible news.]
Lance- (hanging up the phone) Hey, you guys. I got some bad news.
Somebody killed Justin last night.
Chris - WHAT?!
JC - Oh my God! Justin's dead?! Without Justin, we're ruined! Who else
can get eight-year-olds sexually aroused but him? Certainly not any of us.
Joey - Hey, when are we eating?
Chris - Is that all you can think about? My best friend is dead! He was
the only one who ever laughed at my jokes! I'm screwed!
Lance - Hey, on the plus side, somebody killed Britney, too.
JC - Well, I guess every cloud does have its silver lining.
[Lou Pearlman enters the room.]
Lou - Boys, I'm sure you've heard the terrible news. I'm probably
losing thousands of dollars as we speak. Anyway, to be on the safe side, I'm
imposing a curfew on you. You must be indoors by nine o'clock.
[Lou exits.]
Chris - What a fat piece of shit.
Joey (looking up from a bag of chips) - Huh?
Chris - No, not you Joey. I was talking about Lou.
Joey - Oh.
JC - So what are we going to do?
Lance - Well, if we have to be in by nine, why don't we invite all of
our friends over so we won't be lonely?
JC - Yeah, but Lance, you don't have any friends.
Lance - Oh yeah. Okay, why don't we all just get wasted and make fun of
Joey instead?
JC and Chris - Okay!
[Later that night, at Chris' house.]
Chris - Hey, can somebody get me another beer?
Lance - Yeah, me too.
JC - Me three.
[They all turn to stare at Joey.]
Joey - How come I'm always the one who has to get the beer?
JC - What else are you good for?
Lance - Hey Joey, I think there's a cake in the garage.
Joey - Cake?
Lance (nodding) - Yeah, a Superman- shaped one. You can have it if you
get us more beer.
Joey - SUPERMAN-SHAPED!! Oh my, God, I think I just had an orgasm!
JC - That was more than I needed to know.
[Joey takes off running. He enters the garage and looks around
excitedly. His excitement soon turns into confusion.]
Joey - Hey, I don't see any cake! But Lance wouldn't LIE to me! I've
share too much of myself with him for him to do that!
[Suddenly, the door slams. Joey whirls around only to come face to face
with the dark, scary ghost-face man.]
Joey - What the hell?
[The killer raises a knife and charges at Joey. Joey shrieks and tries
to squeeze through the pet door, only to find that his head is the only
thing he can fit.]
Joey - Well, this is awkward.
[The killer hits the garage door opener, and Joey is decapitated. Poor
Joey. Elsewhere in the house...]
JC (returning from the bathroom YES, contrary to teenybopper belief,
N'Sync DOES use the bathroom!) - Hey, guys, what's taking Joey so long?
Chris - Who cares? He's gone. Let's enjoy the moment.
JC - Well, I'm going to check on him.
[JC heads to the garage, and discovers Joey's body hanging from the
door. Suppressing the urge to vomit, he runs back to the living room to tell
Chris and Lance what he has discovered.]
JC (panicking) - You guys! Joey's dead! I saw his body hanging... (trailing off) Uh, guys, why are you smiling like that?
[Lance and Chris look at each other and laugh.]
Lance - What's not to smile about? Justin's dead, Joey's dead, and soon
you'll be dead. (Lance raises a bloody knife and slowly advances towards
JC.) You like my knife? It's an antique. As BOP reported, I really do collect
them. But you already knew that, didn't you, JC? That's because you know
everything, don't you?
JC - Chris, help me out here!
Chris - Help? HELP? Why? So you can steal more of my solos later? I
don't think so.
JC - Why? Why would you do something like this?
Lance - Why? BECAUSE I'M FROM MISSI-FUCKING-SSIPPI, THAT'S WHY!
Or how about this? Let's see how you would feel if people constantly told you
that you couldn't dance, that you were really a girl, and that you were
having sex with JOEY?! You would want to kill people too!
JC - You've got a point ... but Lance, all those things are true.
Lance - Shut the fuck up!
JC - Chris, what about you? What's your motive?
Chris - My motive? I'm a 27 year old virgin (not really, but whatever)
with dredlocks, and the only people who see me as a sexual being are
under the age of fourteen. Plus, I'm the CRAZY one of the group! It comes
with the territory!
JC - Fair enough.
Lance - But you haven't even seen the best part. (Lance snaps his
fingers.) Chris! Bring the suprise!
[Chris disappears and returns with a blond boy, gagged and bound.]
JC - Oh my God, you've kidnapped Nick Carter!
Lance - Picture this: Nick realizes that he is not the number one sex
symbol in America. He snaps and goes on a killing spree. He kills all the
members of N Sync, except, of course, me and Chris.
Chris - Being the stupid fuck that he is, he forgets that we're in the
group ... actually, most people tend to forget that.
Lance - Then, the reality of what he has done hits him, and he kills
himself. It's perfect!
[Lance turns around quickly. JC quickly kicks the knife out of Lance's hand
and grabs it. He stabs Chris through the forehead. Chris stumbles and falls
face-first into the kitty-litter box.]
Lance - Wow, he finally did something funny.
JC - I'll say.
[The two continue to struggle as Nick Carter wets his pants for the fifth
time. Finally, JC manages to tip the refrigerator over, crushing Lance's
skull. JC unties Nick.]
Nick - Oh, JC, your my hero!
JC - Dude, get the fuck off of me. (JC brushes himself off.) Hey, now I
can finally have a solo career! What a great ending! I'm free!!!
