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One-Liners & "Quickies"
What is the difference between erotic sex and kinky sex?
During erotic sex you use a feather, during kinky sex you use the whole chicken.
What does a lawyer and a drill have in common?
They are both good at screwing things.
What do you get when you cross a Rooster and a telephone pole?
A 40 foot cock that wants to reach out and touch someone.
How do crazy people go through the forest?
They take the psycho path.
How do you get holy water?
Boil the hell out of it.
What do the letters D.N.A. stand for?
National Dyslexics Association.
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite.
What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?
A pool table.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef.
Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Right where you left him.
Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book?
They all have phones.
Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
They're trying to get away from the noise.
Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
Because they have big fingers.
What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?
The taste.
What is a zebra?
26 sizes larger than an "A" bra.
Did you hear about the flasher that was thinking about retiring?
He decided to stick it out for one more year.
What do you get when you cross a pit bull with a collie?
A dog that runs for help ... after it bites your leg off.
What does it mean when the flag is at half mast at the post office?
They're hiring.
Thanks, Rebel
What do you call a 400 pound woman who likes both men and women?
A bisexual built for 2.
What's small as a peanut and smells like a peppermint patty?
Charlie Brown's penis.
You Know You're A Redneck If...
...You stare at a can of orange juice for three hours because it says concentrate.
Did You Hear About...
... the redneck who took a book out of the library called How to Hug? It turned out to be volumes 10 of the encyclopedia.
...the redneck who wondered if he divorced his wife would she still be his sister?
... the redneck who won a gold medal in the Olympics? He was so proud of it he got is bronzed!
...the redneck housewife who couldn't double her recipe 'cause her oven wouldn't go to 700 degrees.
... the redneck who left his estate trust to his wife? But she can't touch it until she's 13.
...the redneck who only had B.O. on one side of his body? He didn't know where he could find left gaurd.
... the two redneck hunters? They were driving in thier pickup and came to a sign that said, BEAR LEFT. So they went home.
...the town in Kentucky that is so small that they're still excited about the wheel.
If you liked these, you can find more here!
Thanks Mom
What did the fish say when it hit a concrete wall?
"Dam!"
What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
Polaroids.
What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
A stick.
What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
Nacho Cheese.
What do you call Santa's helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.
What do you call four bullfighters in quicksand?
Cuatro sinko.
What do you get from a pampered cow?
Spoiled milk.
Thanks Crazy Pickle
Hey Diddle Diddle,
My penis is little,
and shriveled and shrunk like a prune.
But if you will squeeze it,
And tease it, and please it,
It'll blow up just like a balloon.
Why do we have orgasms?
How else would we know when to stop?
What's the definition of indefinitely?
When your balls are slapping up against her ass, you're in....definitely!
Mom's have Mother's Day, father's have Father's Day. What do single guys have?
Palm Sunday.
What do you call a ninety year old man who can still masturbate?
Miracle Whip.
What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
A bingo machine.
What is the similarity between a woman and Kentucky Fried Chicken?
By the time you've finished with the breast and thighs, all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in.
What do you call two lesbian indians in a canoe?
Fur traders.
Whats the difference between Like, Love and Showing Off?
Spit, swallow and gargle - then swallow.
Thanks CrazyPickle
What does bungee jumping and getting a blowjob from an 80-year-old woman have in common?
They're both not too scary until you look down.
How do you piss your wife off while your having sex?
Call her and tell her where you are at!
How do you tell if you're making love to a nurse, a schoolteacher, or an airline stewardess?
A nurse says: "This won't hurt a bit." A schoolteacher says, "We're going to have to do this over and over again until we get it right." An airline stewardess says, "Just hold this over your mouth and nose, and breath normally."
What do you call nuts on a wall?
Walnuts
What do you call nuts on a chest?
Chestnuts
What do you call nuts on a chin?
Blowjob
Thanks CrazyPickle
The 3 Biggest Lies A Cowboy Tells.
1. This here truck is paid for.
2. I won this belt buckle at the rodeo.
3. Honest officer, I was just helpin' the sheep over the fence.
What is the difference between a scooter and a woman?
With a scooter, you pump and then mount.
So one sperm says to the other "When do we get to the ovaries?"
The other replies "Ovaries! We're not even past the throat yet!"
WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
Because they are plugged into a genius!
WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING FOREPLAY?
They don't have enough time!
WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
They don't stop to ask directions!
WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn!
WHY DON'T WOMEN HAVE MEN'S BRAINS?
Because they don't have penises to put them in!
WHAT DO ELECTRIC TRAINS AND BREASTS HAVE IN COMMON?
They're intended for children, but men usually end up playing with them!
WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
Because their balls fall over their assholes and they vapor-lock!
WHY DO MEN MASTURBATE?
It is sex with someone they love!
WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
So they won't hump women's legs at cocktail parties!
WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
You need a rough draft before you make a final copy!
WHY IS A MAN'S PEE YELLOW AND HIS SPERM WHITE?
So he can tell if he's coming or going!
HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
???, it's never happened!
Thanks Rebel
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None, it should be opened by the time she brings it.
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There's a clock on the stove!
Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.
Women are like guns, keep one around long enough and you're gonna want to shoot it.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, whom do you let in first?
The dog of course...at least he'll shut up after you let him in.
All wives are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell them apart.
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don't like to Interrupt her.
What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?
Divorced.
Bigamy is having one wife too many. Some say monogamy is the same.
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%... Wedding cake.
Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?"I said, "Dust”
What would happen if the Pilgrims had killed cats instead of turkeys?
We'd eat pussy every Thanksgiving.
Three words to ruin a man's ego...
"Is it in?"
How does a guy know if he has a high sperm count?
If the girl has to chew, before she swallows.
Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women?
He died laughing before he could tell anybody.
What's the difference between Mad Cow disease and PMS?
Nothing.
How do you teach a blonde math?
Subtract her clothes divide, her legs and square root her!
What's the speed limit of sex?
68...because at 69 you have to turn around.
What's the ultimate rejection?
When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.
How are women and tornadoes alike?
They both moan like hell when they come, and take the house when they leave.
You know what those little bumps are on a girl's nipples?
It's braille for "lick here".
Two bananas are lying on a river bank when a turd comes floating by.
The turd looks over and says, "Hey! Come on in! The water's fine!"
One banana turns to the other banana and says, "Do you believe that shit?"
Why do married men gain weight while bachelors don't?
Bachelors go to the refrigerator, see nothing they want, then go to bed.
Married guys go to the bed, see nothing they want, then go to the refrigerator.
How did they break up the Million Man March?
They handed out job applications.
How do you fix a broken marriage?
Melt down your wedding ring and make it into a bullet.