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Risque Humor
A man walks into a pharmacy, buys a condom, then walks out of the store laughing hysterically. The pharmacist thinks this is weird, but, hey, there's no law preventing weird people from buying condoms. Who knows, maybe it's a good thing.
The next day, the same man comes back to the store, purchases yet another condom, and once again he leaves the store laughing wildly. This piques the interest of the pharmacist.
"What's could be so funny about buying a condom, anyway?"
So he tells his clerk "If this guy ever comes back, I want you to follow him to see where he goes." Sure enough, the next day the same man is back, he buys the condom, and again starts cracking up with laughter, then leaves.
The pharmacist tells his clerk, go follow the guy. About an hour later, the clerk comes back to the store.
"Did you follow him? Where did he go?" asks the pharmacist. The clerk replies "Your house."
Sung to Beverly Hillbillies tune
Well there once was a story 'bout a man named Bill;
A poor president who couldn't keep his willie still;
then one day he was workin' at his desk,
when in walks Monica and shows the boy her chest...
Boobs, that is. Two of 'em. Bodacious ta ta's.
Well the next thing you know, Monica's on her knees,
Mouth open wide and as happy as you please;
Bill says, "oh yeah now - don't say a thing,"
"If you do a good job then we'll have a little fling."
Blow job, that is. Phalli osculation.
Well, Bill lost his load and it fell upon her dress,
He said, "clean it up, 'cuz you really are a mess,
And you're invited here to this fine locality,
To have a heapin' helpin' of little Willie C."
The wiener, that is. The presidential staff.
So week after week, Monica's on her knees,
Keepin' Willie and his Wiener just as happy as you please,
But then she figured out that the fling had gone too far,
And she blabbed it all to Linda Tripp,
who blabbed it all to Starr.
Bad girl, that is. Cigars. Bodacious ta ta's.
Well it wasn't too long till we all knew the score,
About the stuff that went down behind the oval office door;
The country's in the toilet and the people cry,"No More"
But if we oust the cheatin' jerk,
then we gotta live with Gore.
Boob, that is. Great big one. Head stuck up a tree.
So now you know the story about Bill our president,
Wonder if this fling is gonna cost him every cent;
So the moral of the story is to do it quietly,
And stay outta trouble with that bitch named Hillary
Do You Believe In Ghosts?
A visiting professor at the University of Florida is giving a seminar on the supernatural.
To get a feel for his audience, he asks: "How many people here believe in ghosts?"
About 90 students raise their hands.
"Well that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?"
About 40 students raise their hands.
"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"
15 students raise their hands.
"That's a great response. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"
3 students raise their hands.
"That's fantastic. But let me ask you one question further..."
"Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"
One student in the back raises his hand. The professor is astonished.
He takes off glasses, takes a step back, and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. "You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."
The not-so-bright student (remember, this is the Univ. of Florida) replies with a nod and begins to make his way up to the podium.
The professor says, "Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost."
The student replies, "GHOSTS"?!? I thought you said "GOATS".
Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said:
"TWO PROSTITUTES -- $50.00".
A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail.
Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying:"JESUS SAVES".
One of the girls asked the cop: "How come you don't stop them?!"
"Well, that's a little different," the cop smiled. "Their sign pertains to religion."
So the two ladies of the night frowned as they took their sign down and drove off.
The following day found the same cop in the area when he noticed the two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again.
Figuring he had an easy arrest, he began to catch up with them when he noticed the new sign which now read:
"TWO ANGELS SEEKING PETER" -- $50.00."
An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an open buggy one cold blustery January day.
The daughter said to the mother, "My hands are freezing cold".
The mother replied, "Put your hands between your legs, the body heat will warm them up."
So the daughter did and her hands warmed up.
The next day the daughter was riding in the buggy with her boyfriend.
The boyfriend said, "My hands are freezing cold."
The daughter said, "Put them between my legs, they'll warm up."
He did and his hands warmed up. Later in the ride he said, "My nose is freezing cold."
The daughter said, "Put it between my legs, it will warm up."
"He did and his nose warmed up. Later still in the ride he said, "My penis is frozen solid."
The next day, the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother and she said to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?"
The slightly concerned mother says, "Sure, why do you ask?"
And the daughter replied, "Well, they make one hell of a mess when they thaw out!"
An Irishman walks into a bar and asks for two beers. He then pulls a small green-skinned man out of his pocket and puts him on the counter.
As he's drinking one drink and the green man is drinking the other, an Englishman down the bar who has had a few too many drinks says "Hey,what's that little green thing down there?
"The green man runs down the bar gives the Englishman a raspberry," "SPLBLBLBT!," right in the face and runs back to the Irishman.
The Englishman mops himself off and says to the Irishman, "Hey, what is that thing, anyway?"
The Irishman replies, "Have some respect. He's a leprechaun."
"Oh, all right." the Englishman says sullenly.
They all go back to drinking beer. An hour or so later, the Englishman is really plastered.
"Boy, that leprechaun sure is an ugly little sonofabitch!" he says.
The leprechaun runs down the bar and gives the Englishman a raspberry again- SPLBLBLBT!
This time the Englishman is really mad!
"Tell that leprechaun that if he does that again I'll cut his dick off!" he shouts.
"You can't do that" says the Irishman. "Leprechauns don't have dicks."
"How do they pee, then?" asks the Englishman.
"They don't," says the Irishman. "They go SPLBLBLBT."
A girl is standing at The Gates Of Heaven when she hears horrible screams coming from inside.
She says to St. Peter, "What's going on?"
He says, "That's the sound of new angels getting big holes drilled into their backs for their wings, and small holes drilled into their heads for their halos."
She says, "Heaven sounds terrible. I think maybe I'd rather go to Hell."
St. Peter says, "In Hell, you'll be constantly gang-banged and sodomized."
She says, "That's okay. I've already got holes for that."
A guy is dropping off a girl at the end of their first date.
As he's kissing her goodnight, he pulls down his zipper, takes out his cock, and puts it in her hand.
She says, "I've got two words for you! Drop dead!"
She jumps out, slams the car door, runs up the walk, storms in the house, and slams the front door.
Then, there's a knock on the door. She answers it, and the guy is standing there.
He says, "And I've got two words for you...let go!"
A guy goes into the dentist's office, sits down in the chair, pulls down his zipper, and takes out his dick.
The dentist says, "What are you doing? I'm a dentist."
The guy says, "There's a tooth in there."
A guy and a girl are hitchhiking, and a kid pulls over to pick him up.
The guy opens the door and aims a gun at the kid.
He says, "Jerk off."
He has a gun, so the kid jerks off.
The guy says, "Now jerk off again."
He has a gun, so the kid jerks off again.
The guy says, "Now jerk off one more time."
He has a gun, so the kid jerks off one more time.
The guy says, "Okay, now give my daughter a ride into town."
A girl goes up to a guy at the bar, puts her arm around him, and says, "Are you the Manager?"
He says, "Yes, I am."
She starts running her fingers through his hair and says, "Is it your job to keep the customers happy?
He says, "Yes, it is..."
She starts playing with his face, works two of her fingers around and into his mouth, and he starts sucking them wildly.
She says, "Can I tell you a dirty little secret?"
He garbles, "Sure..."
She says, "There's no toilet paper in the Ladies Room."
A guy walks into his doctor's office and hands him a note that says, "Doc, I've lost the ability to talk."
The doctor says, "No problem. Take out your penis and put it on the table."
The guy takes out his penis, and after he puts it on the table, the doctor takes a rubber mallet and SMACKS it!!!
The guy goes, "Aaaa!"
The doctor says, "Very good. Come back tomorrow and we'll start on the B's."
There's a pickle, a cucumber and a penis all playing cards when the pickle says "My life is tough, people grow me big on a vine, pick me off, throw me in a jar with all of this gross stuff for a month, take me out and eat me!"
So the cucumber says "You think you've got it hard, they grow me big on a vine, pick me off, cut me up and eat me!"
Then the penis says "You guys think you have it rough, they put me in a plastic bag, put me in a dark cave and make me do pushups till I puke!"
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.
"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, Bill, you didn't."
"Yes, I did."
"My God, Bill, what happened?"
"I got fired."
"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh...she got fired too."
One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says: "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynaecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."
The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear: "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"
A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos and he notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics.
He asks her about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It identifies that American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest average diameter. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?"
He coolly replies, "Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you."
One day there was a rooster and a cat on a ship. During the cruise the ship sank.
The cat floated to shore on a small island. On that island was a tall palm tree and a bag of rooster food which had also floated to shore.
The rooster ended up on a nearby island. That island also had a palm tree on it and the cat food that had been on the ship.
After several days the rooster got hungry. He made his way to the top of the palm tree. The cock then jumped and by flapping his wings was able to land on the cat's island. He ate the food and was happy.
The cat saw this and decided to give it a try. She climbed the palm tree and jumped. Not having wings, she landed in the ocean and got soaked.
The moral of the story: For every satisfied cock, there is a wet pussy.
Superman was feeling bored after a long break from crime fighting and wanted to go out and party, so he called Batman to ask if he wanted to go to a club and pick up some girls. Batman said Robin was ill and he had to look after him.
A little disappointed, Superman called Spiderman to see if he fancied a few beers. Spiderman told him he had a date with Catwoman.
As a last resort, Superman flew over to Wonder Woman's apartment to see if she was free. As he landed on her balcony, he saw Wonderwoman naked on the bed with her legs open. Superman thought to himself, "I' m faster than a speeding bullet, I could be in there, have sex and be out again before she knows what's happening."
So Superman did his super thing in a split second and flies off happily. Meanwhile on the bed, Wonder Woman says, "Did you hear anything?" "No!" said the Invisible Man, "But my ass hurts like hell!
This man was in a long line at the grocery store. As he got to the register he realized he had forgotten to get"some condoms". So he asked the checkout girl if she could have some condoms brought up to the register. She asked, "What size condoms?" The customer replied that he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants. He did, she reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him, then picked up the store intercom and said "One box of large condoms to register 5."
The next man in line thought this was interesting and, like most of us, up for a cheap thrill. When he got to the register, he told the checker that he too had forgotten to get condoms, and asked if he could have some brought up to the register. She asked him what size, and he stated that he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants. He did, she gave him a quick feel, picked up the store intercom and said, "One box of medium sized condoms to register 5".
A few customers back was this teen-aged boy. He thought what he had witnessed was way too cool. He had never had any type of sexual contact with a live female, so he thought this was his chance. When he got up to the register, he told the checker he needed some condoms. She asked him what size, and he said he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants and he did. She reached over the counter, gave him one quick squeeze, then picked up the intercom and said, "Clean up at register 5!"
COMPLIMENTS OF SOME SPAM MAIL I RECIEVED!!!
The little boy came down to breakfast. Since they lived on a farm, His mother asked if he had done his chores. No, said the little boy. His mother told him he can't have any breakfast until he does his chores.
He goes to feed the chickens And kicks the chicken. He goes to feed the cows and kicks the cow. He goes to feed the the pigs and kicks the pig.
He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal? he asks.
His mother says, I saw you kick the chickens, so you don't get any eggs. I saw you kick the pig so you don't get any bacon. I also saw you kick the cow so you aren't getting any milk.
His father comes down for breakfast, and kicks the cat as he's walking into the kitchen. The little boy looks at his mother and says "Are you going to tell him, or should I?"
A lady takes her husband to the doctor's office. After his check-up, the doctor calls her into his office and says, "Your husband is suffering from a very serious disease, which, combined with stress, will kill him in a few months.
What you have to do is, each morning, fix him a nice breakfast, and be pleasant. Make him a nice lunch to take to work, and for dinner, make meals for him you know he'll enjoy. Don't give him too much to do around the house, especially after he's had a hard day. And don't burden him with too many of your problems, because that'll only increase his stress. And most importantly, make love to him a couple of times a week, and try to give him oral sex once a month or so.
If you can do this for the next ten months, I think your husband could regain his health completely." On the way home, the husband says, "What did the doctor say?" She says, "He said you're gonna die."
This joke brought to you by Jackie The Jokeman.
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