Wednesday, February 23, 2000
11:42 PM, on the computer

Life has been wonderful lately, praise His name! I've gotten employment as a freelance voice actor, my schooling is going well, and God has definitely smiled down on me lately!

I'm talking with a friend now, and she's asking a lot of questions that I'm receiving the knowledge to on the fly, and I just know she's going to ask what God's done for me. I feel it's time to give my testimony. What I'm about to type may shock some people, it may just give info you already know, but it's the truth... here it is.

I was born, much like everyone else. I'd always been intelligent, I was showing signs that I was learning to read when I was three, and I skipped Kindergarten because I knew basic math and could read the newspaper. Elementary School was hard, I was always an outcast and I had to cause trouble to get attention. I didn't mind, it was either be disliked or not known. I starved for attention, so I was usually in trouble somehow. It was also during this time that I realized that I was attracted to women at an early age. They've always been something of a vice to me, quite amazing creatures actually, but forgive me I'm ranting.

Elementary school was also where I took a turn for the worse. I started swearing in the fifth grade. I was hanging out with a friend and he swore. I commented on it and how wrong it was, and he basically persuaded me that nothing was wrong. I gave in to peer pressure and started a habit that I wouldn't lose for ten years. My addiction to women turned for the worse as well that year, leading to a strong pornography addiction.

Life was average after that... average for an outcast and a hedonist, that is. I found myself to be uninteresting when I was 12, so I decided to change myself. Suddenly I wasn't John Wade, I was a cajun... I had been a thief, I had a girlfriend in New Orleans named Rose (whom I got the physical appearance from a dream I had and the name from a Seal song), and I knew French. I became a compulsive liar and it fit my purposes... I was the Clown Prince of New Orleans, and I didn't care... Little did I know how wrong I would be, and by the way... Hi Lauren.

Lying brings about constant guilt that the truth would be revealed, and to keep my mind off of it I got involved with some questionable things. I sought a physical relationship and paid the price, because my first girlfriend cheated on me with 15+ guys... meaning I stopped counting after 15 and she kept going on. I was devastated and turned to other things... I spent all my time playing video games, I got into Role-Playing games and loud Rock Music. I constantly kept myself busy and I looked fine, but I constantly was afraid of getting found out and I thought about suicide all the time.

In High School I started to "break out of my shell" a little. I realized that I did have my own personality, and that I was liked, but the masquerade I was holding up made it all the more interesting. It continued to fit my purposes, so I figured out I could get away with it. My friends eventually figured it out, and I distanced myself from them. I surrounded myself with people that believed me because they made me feel that my lie was real. I graduated and went to college hopeful, naive, and really confused. In the meantime, I had gone through two girlfriends already and countless internet flings. I even almost got married to a girl that I met on the internet. I got into another physical relationship that ended for the worse, and she later got pregnant by someone else. In a fury I assume (wished?) the child was mine and was devastated when the mother miscarried. My addiction to pornography was dangerous now, and I found myself becoming my lie. I shoplifted, I stole money, I taught myself how to pick locks, and I even learned French and trained myself to speak with an accent that I still have to this day. I had few friends because I was afraid of people finding out about my lie, and those that I did have I dare not told about my "past". I figured what they didn't know wouldn't hurt me. I almost went insane during that period.

Meanwhile, my family had been looking for a good place to go to church. We used to go on a regular basis but fell out of the routine for reasons unknown. We'd tried other places but nowhere that we couldn't sit through a sermon and drive home in peace. Dad and I would get into constant arguments and it drove us to other churches. I went to a friend's church on Wednesday, April 6th, 1999 and sat through a sermon. I'd always liked the preacher, and it meant I could be closer to my friend (who I had a crush on). The preacher gave an altar call and asked the youth to step forward. We did, and immediately he came over to me and layed hands on me. I broke down in tears He asked if I had accepted Christ as my savior. I replied no, and he asked if I wanted to. I reactively said yes and he made me repeat a prayer. I repeated the prayer and God sent His Holy Spirit into me and my life was forever changed... for better and worse. Satan immediately made known that he wasn't going to lose me and I immediately started lying again, saying that I had talked with God and He told me a lot of things and convincing people that I was telling the truth. I was delivered from my sins and some addictions, but I quickly replaced them with others. I kept a lot of the same practices, trying to justify them by stating God knew me, He'd forgive me.

How wrong I was. I may have been a Christian, but I wasn't happy. I was still living in my made-up world, I really hadn't changed much, was still addicted to pornography, and all that was really different is that I had added guilt from constantly disobeying God building up inside of me. I still lied about God's will, saying that what I really wanted was what He was telling me to do. I got a job at a Spencer Gifts and rationalized it by thinking "I don't endorse the products here, I just sell them." I was lying again, only this time to myself. As much as I loved my job it wasn't good for me. It bogged me down, it kept me from my faith, and I backslid severely (as if I didn't do it from the beginning...). Eventually, God's conviction came down on me and I quit my job. I've never felt so free in my life. God's working through me in so many ways, it's amazing.

As for my vices, I came clean of my lies in July, but there's still some people that don't know about them. Maybe this will clear them up with those people (again, hi Lauren). My addiction to pornography was smothered when I burned all of my pictures and magazines (another story, another journal entry, it's in there) but resurfaced when I started working at Spencer's. Now that I've quit, praise the Lord it's gone. I've finally broken away from all my lies, and I can say that I'm John Wade and know exactly who I am. I'm not a thief, I give. I'm not a liar, I spread the truth. I'm not addicted to porn, I'm addicted to God. I don't pursue worldly pleasures, I pursue His company. And I'm not Cajun, I'm a Child of God.

So here I am, in the present... completely different from how I was a year ago. I'm humbled, I give, I'm a Christian, and I fear God. I live for serving Him and he repays me with the desires of my heart. He gives me everything I want and need, He sustains me. He is my bread and my water, I need nothing else... and I'm forever His servant, may His name be glorified eternally, amen. May the Grace and perfect love of God be with you all!