Friday, June 8, 2001
1:43 PM, on the computer
It's been too long since I've written in my journal. A LOT has been going on lately... and I mean a LOT.
For one, I met Rebecca St James finally... that was an experience, let me tell you. It all started in late March, when my close friend and major source of high phone bills Abby called me and told me that Rebecca was giving a concert at a church in her area later in the month. I immediately called that church, made buddies with the youth pastor (which turned out to have been a good move), and then called a Lifeway in Jackson, MS to order a ticket. It came in the mail and I even managed to get time off for three days from work! I was so psyched... I was going to meet one of my closest friends finally (we met over the phone and internet because of her ministry), and I was gonna meet my future wife, man!
Okay, I left on a Sunday night (April 29th I think), and it couldn't have gone any worse... first of all, I got a ticket... which wasn't so bad because I had a nice chat with the cop... pretty good guy. Second, about thirty miles from Jackson (Jackson is 168 miles from Tupelo) I realized that I had forgotten my ticket...... lemme tell you, I cried over that one. I pulled myself out of it though and continued on. As if things weren't any worse, I took a wrong took at a confusing detour and ended up 20 miles off in Yazoo county. I finally ended up in my destination, and ate dinner with my Uncle and Aunt (his sister), called Abby and prepared to meet her tomorrow.
Which was interesting.
The morning of the concert, I called Scott (the youth pastor of that church) and told him my situation, and he said he remembered me and would have a ticket for me. I called Abby and told her the good news, then left to go meet her. I pulled into Ballet Magnificat! (the largest Christian ballet school in the nation, from what I understand....) around noon, after making two circles around because of really bad directions (can it Abby).
Saturday, June 9, 2001
1:20 PM, on the computer
Okay, continuing, I finally made it to Ballet Mag, and I was sitting outside fiddling with my palm phone (hey I work at Radio Shack, c'mon...) when a lady came out and said "are you John?" to which my reply was "Oh are you mom? Hi!" We hugged and talked for a brief moment, and then she said to follow her into the building because that's where Abby was. We went into the dancer's entrance and I swear the sight there almost made me choke. There were about 20 dancers, most of them VERY pretty women, and all of them were in the hallway doing warmdown stretching excercises. I was NOT about to go through there. Abby's mom was already on the other side and I swallowed hard and said "through here?? Aw man..." and I slowly proceeded to walk the gauntlet... I promise, I thought I was gonna step on something or someone and make a fool out of myself. One of the dancers cleared her throat loudly, as if I had done something wrong. Immediately I froze in place and kinda looked at her like a cat in front of headlights... curious but thinking I'm not gonna like this. I mustered the strength to continue and eventually made it to the end of the hallway. Abby came out of a room that was close, and she just stood there grinning... she said "John, meet Ballet Magnificat!" and turned me around. Abby's mom said "congratulations, you just passed the test" and everyone started applauding and shouting... Abby had planned this whole thing, and had been watching me from one of the studios. I did then what perhaps is the best talent God gave me: I winged it. I turned, walked back down the center, and gave a great bow and waved appreciation for my audience.
Deep down in my heart, I knew that Abby saw right through it *L* she had been watching me from that room the whole time. Well, anyway my first reaction of Abby in person was "man she's tall..." She's 5'10" or something, and I'm pushing 5'7". I had to stand on my toes to hug her and she gave me my birthday present, a burn of a rare RSJ radio interview CD (which I still haven't listened to for reasons explained later), and oh yeah a bag of Reese's Pieces. The hallway had cleared out by then and I was introduced to some people that are students there but are also members of Abby's dance ministry, Cross-Tied Minstries. I also met a girl that was going to be going to the concert with us, Sabrina, who was 13 I think. Abby's mom finished her work there, and the three of us went to go eat lunch. We had a great time, and I got to know Ms Brenda (Abby's mom) pretty well, and decided she's a woman that I greatly admire. After lunch, we went back to ballet mag to go meet another person that was going with us. Her name is Autumn, and she was the one that cleared her throat when I walked by her. I especially took note of her, for other reasons. The three of us sat there watching the latest of CTM's performances, something they had done at a youth conference. It was nice, we sat there talking afterwards and talked to Abby, Autumn and Sabrina while we waited on Abby's mom to finish her work. I found out something cool about Ballet Mag, it's run by the guy who played Little Ricky on the Lucy Show, he's a really nice guy too! His name is Keith, and I'm not even gonna try to spell his last name, but it sounds a lil like Tip a toe said really fast. I learned a little bit about Autumn too, she's 20 (which blew me away, she looks 17) and she's from Dallas, and hadn't heard of Christ For the Nations. She moved to Jackson just to go to Ballet Mag... talk about dedication to God's will. She's a person I highly admire too.
Anyway, it came time to leave for the concert and everyone got into Abby's mom's van and I got into my car when I got a sinking feeling. I didn't want to drive alone, so was gonna ask if Autumn could ride with me, because Abby's parents are very guarded towards her (an INCREDIBLY admirable thing, I respect her parents greatly because of it). I thought that would seem forward of me though, so I choked up and asked Ms Brenda if Abby could ride with me in case we got separated because Abby knew where she was going. It had to have been of God because she surprisingly said yes! We made it to the church okay, and I talked to Scott about my ticket, and after getting it I turned around and saw Rebecca St James' tour bus. There was just something about standing there, near where a woman whom I had probably the greatest crush on in my life was, that I just found... disheartening.
The five of us waited in front of the church for about an hour and talked, and for some STUPID reason I told Autumn about why I was so excited about the concert. She looked at me and said "Really? Do you beleive that much that you're going to marry her? That's cool..." At least, that's what I think she said... Abby if I'm wrong, lemme know.
So the concert started, and Fusebox (a band containing members of RSJ's touring band) played and they did okay. Something happened though during their set though that changed my life. During one of their headliner songs, the lead singer introduced... Ms Rebecca St James. I took one look at her and it seemed as if the pits of Hell had opened inside of me. I felt rotten. I choked it up and continued. Tree 63 came on and ROCKED... I so bought their cd afterwards. LaRue came out and completely blew me away... those two are so talented, and they're one of my favorites now. I can't say much about them, it would do them no justice. Go see 'em if you get the chance.
Well, it was time... Rebecca was about to play, and Abby and Autumn kept staring at me like they were expecting Hiroshima to drop, or something. She came on, and I... POW!!! I gripped the peu and I just couldn't stand up. It was like my soul had been shattered into a million pieces. And then the numbness came. I felt absolutely nothing. Dead. Nil. Nothing. And when she sang "Wait For Me", I completely lost it. Abby later told me that she wanted to put her arm around me, but she was afraid that I would crumple to the floor. I must have looked like a ghost. During the intermission, Autumn and Abby were trying to comfort me because they knew what had happened, I realized she wasn't my wife. The only words I could muster were: "I don't know anything right now... I don't know who I am or where I live... I could be a farmer in Tahiti right now and not know it... but I do know that there is a Lord in Heaven, and that Jesus Christ my savior is His son, and I'll be okay..."
I tried to enjoy the concert the best I could, but nothing could make me understand what had happened, it was like I was in shock. I remembered a scripture that a friend had once told me, that when tough times came, to put on a garment of praise. I literally had to force my hand through the sleeves... I didn't want to, but for the rest of the concert I forced myself to worship Him... I needed the Lord now more than I had in my life, and I knew He was the only thing that could get me home in my condition. Doing that at least gave me some sense of coherency, and I was able to walk around and talk without feeling nauseated. I didn't want to live, but for the sake of Christ I knew I had to. Well the concert ended and God Bless Abby, she didn't leave my side for a moment. I think I followed her though mostly... anywho.
Abby and I were waiting around so she could get an autograph, and I found myself laughing and talking with her and her friends. I was trying my hardest, but the concert just seemed like a hole, despite my remember the whole thing. I couldn't explain what had happened. I didn't want to drive home by myself, but I said my goodbyes to Autumn when she left, and then to Ms Brenda, Abby, and Sabrina when they left. I drove back to my Uncle's apartment for what seemed like an hour, but I made it back okay. God bless her, Abby called me to make sure I was home okay. I don't remember going to bed that night.
I left around noon on Tuesday and decided to surprise Abby by waiting for her at the studio, we talked for about twenty minutes, and to be honest I really didn't want to leave. She really appreciated my visit, and besides, I needed to see her at least once before I left to thank her for what she and Autumn did for me the night before. I can tell we're gonna be great friends, even though I did make her late for class. I made my way back home, and all I could think about was my friends Chris and Michelle. I had to get to their house. When I got back to Tupelo I called them and went to their house before I even went home. Chris and I had a long talk, and then I was able to see clearly what had happened.
Okay, basically... when Rebecca came onto the set during Fusebox's set, I knew RIGHT THEN that she wasn't my wife, and I was ready to accept that. What I DIDN'T expect, however, was what would happen during her set... I couldn't explain why until I had sobered up, but what happened is the Lord showed me how He sees Rebecca... what I saw is a woman that knew true love, and that she loved God with all of her heart, and I realized that standing ten feet away from me was probably the world's best living example of what a Christian should be, and standing ten feet away from her was the exact opposite. I saw myself for what I am for the first time in my life, and I realized that despite the fact that I don't swear anymore or listen to secular music, that I hadn't changed a bit since the day that I got saved. Realizing that sent me over the edge and all I felt was the loud "POW!!!" of God snapping me in half... I was shattered and in pieces before the feet of the Lord and the only way to get back up was to take up my cross and follow after Jesus. All of it was so much for me that I went into shock, and I didn't snap out of it until Chris and I had our long talk. The place of brokenness that I came to at the concert was the most important thing that's happened to be since the day I accepted Christ, because I'd been wondering why God wouldn't do anything in my life... it's because I wouldn't let Him until now. For the next few weeks I had a lot of trouble listening to a RSJ cd though... I did for a while. Something funny though is I when I got back to work, someone asked me what Rebecca was like, and I said "well, she's a great girl but I decided to call off the engagement" (that's a deliverance...)
And I haven't even covered my trip to Dallas yet... which that'll have to wait for my next entry.