Wednesday, August 4, 1999
12:05 PM, on the computer
*sigh* Yet again I fall prey to my most tragic character flaw: I get insanely jealous. I was talking to a friend today, whom I will admit being attracted to (yes, she knows), and she started telling me a story about something that happened to her the other night. I won't go into details in case she ever reads this, but in it she told me that she used a guy and kissed him. If this wouldn't have been her it wouldn't have hurt so bad... but it was, so it did. So I'm sitting here now... I stopped the conversation and asked her (okay I TOLD her...) to leave me alone for a while and here I am. I really wish I knew why this happens... Maybe I need to see someone about it, because I've lost many a girl because of my jealous fits. I wish I could say it's with certain people, but I do it a lot. Or maybe I should just ask God... I wonder if that's a selfish request to ask for help controlling my jealousy, because I try to keep my requests to God on a minimum unless I have some wish that's not selfish.
I hate how people are sometimes... how once you think you've figured people out they go and show a completely different side to their persona. I'm too moody sometimes... heck, I'm too hard on myself sometimes.
I wonder what Molly's doing right now. Ugh, I forgot it doesn't matter anyway until I get my tire fixed or replaced, or until Mom gets home. Which reminds me, I'd better call Circuit City today to see about that sales job. I think I'd be good at that. Okay something I noticed about myself just now: When I'm not depressed, I'm conceited to keep myself from being depressed. And when I'm depressed I'm too hard on myself and when I say something positive about myself I'll have the urge to shoot myself down again out of fear someone will think I'm being conceited. What a friggin oxymoron. Ah, such is life I guess. Well college band camp starts the 14th. Good. Maybe getting back into the social scene will help my bruised (shattered? Nah.) ego a little.
12:33 PM, on the comp
Oh thank goodness, Milena's on. She can always cheer me up. I wish I could find a lady like her around here, she's a true gem... well except for her expensive tastes but she pays for it all herself which is groovy. Jason's a lucky guy and he'd better not forget it once or I'll take the time to remind him. She just gave me a good idea, hang on I have to use the phone.
Well I just called mom and asked her to make and appt with Employee Health Services at the hospital she works at. Employees and their families get free counseling, and I went there before when I was having confidence problems two years ago... and you see what I'm like now so I think I'll get lots of help. For those of you that are wondering, yes I've tried praying but for some reason it's not working. Well Julie wants on now so I'm going to let her on. After all, it IS her time to be on...
Prologue, 1:08 AM, on the comp.
I know I'm skipping around a bit here, and that it's actually the next day, but I have a piece of paper from my pocket that I want to type up but I have to explain the details of today for it to make sense.
Well after I got off of the computer earlier, a friend that I ran into last night came over and wanted to know if I wanted to go shopping with him. I was bored so I said sure. Well we went to Books-a-Million to see if the girl was there. Nope. We went to the mall and I ran into a couple of his friends, and said nothing the entire time. He asked me why later, and I told him that they didn't interest me. Like I want to talk about how I'd like Cthulu to live under my mansion. I went to Gadzooks and bought two stickers, a cute one of Pikachu angry and another one that says "Chaos, Panic, and Disorder: My work here is done". After that we checked out Babbage's and I talked to a college buddy and my friend played the demo of Final Fantasy VIII. That took a while... well I got this cute keychain that is a Pikachu doll that unzips and turns inside out and it's a pokéball. I got checked out by a cute girl at a candystand, she was to preppie for me though so I just looked back and smiled and walked off. We walked around Sears for a bit and he tried on some pants, and then we went into Spencer's Gifts. I was looking around and a CUTE girl walked up to me and asked me:
"What kind of personality do you have?"
Stunned for a split second, I quickly replied, "Any one you want me to..."
She laughed and asked me if I had a job, and I told her no. Well things happened and push came to push more, and I made a friend named Ginger and talked to the manager for twenty minutes and well... I have an interview for a management position at 4:30 tomorrow. Well after that we went to my house and decided on the way to go see the Haunting. I thought that movie rocked. I highly recommend it... it's not a gorefest like most horror flicks today, but it's pure suspense. Loved it. Well my friend dropped me off and as soon as I hit the door Molly calls me. I wanted to see her and she was trapped at the local coffee shop (again) so I said I'd pick her up and hang with her. We hung out for a bit, and talked, and it was good. I had forgotten how pretty she was...
Well we went to Books-A Million to see if the girl was there but it was eight minutes after they closed... so instead we went and played inside the playhouses they had set up for display. I'd have to say it was the most fun I've had in a while! I was in a log cabin and she was in a barbie house, and I was explaining to my pretend lumberjack friends (in a cheesy-ghetto/french accent) how foine Molly was. After that we decided to go to the park, but first we went to where her boyfriend works, the local O'Charley's... and it was a bad idea. I got depressed quickly and pulled out a notepad and started writing, here it is:
12:11 PM, on a notepad while at a bar
For some reason hearing the word brother is like a four-letter word to me lately. It hurts hearing April say it and it hurts hearing Molly say it. It's strange though, Molly's sitting right next to me (we're sitting at the bar her boyfriend works at) and she just gave me a speech about how she feels about me, and how great a guy I am, and about all of my good qualities but it's one of the roughest things she's said to me because it's nice but not exactly what I'm wanting to hear right now. I'm surrounded by people under the influence of alchohol... laughing people, cheering people, dislillusioned people. I'm being flirted with by a beautiful blonde in a yellow skirt and she's rather energetic, sexy, yet for some reason she's unappealing to me. Maybe it's her 6'2" 200lb redneck boyfriend. I hope that interview at Spencer's goes well tomorrow... Lord knows I need a job. Note to myself, buy some hawaiian shirts... as loud as possible. The more gaudy, the better.
Being alone, as strange as this sounds, makes me happy. I don't know why. I'm happy with just being around one person, but if there are any more people in the group that I don't know then I become less sociable, less happy. I'm still shy. I don't know why... Am I not used to people flirting with me or complimenting me?
For some reason whenever Molly goes over there we always end up with one or two more people joining the entourage, this time being a pothead and the girl in the yellow dress. And I got to drive the pothead because he kept touching the girl in the yellow dress... he asked me if I toked and I knew this was going to be the longest five minute drive in history. I won't go into detail of the ride, ask me if you'd like to know what happened. Which reminds me, I have to write a story for the girl by Friday night.
We FINALLY got to Molly's house, and I decided to leave then. I was upset, emotional, and had a urge to write so here I am, depressed... nervous... and being way too hard on myself. God, please help me tomorrow with my interview.