Friday, August 20, 1999
9:36 PM, on the computer

Today sucked.

I really don't feel like talking about it, but since so many people are going to ask how I feel I guess I'd better write something. I also think I should write it down so I can keep a record of how I was feeling today. I'll discuss yesterday first though.

I got to school okay, Molly didn't ride with Court and I though. I sat around for an hour then I went to my first class, which is Biology. It was okay, the teacher is pregnant... which could prove very useful in the subject of not having classes due to teacher sickness. Luckily for me, the teacher said she ALWAYS lets us out earlier so I was pretty happy. I sat around and waited until my next class and talked to Courtney and Caren. What happened in that conversation is probably going to be my most embarassing moment. The subject of the Rocky Horror Picture Show came up, and I stupidly mentioned that I had never seen it before and as if by reflex they both pointed and shouted "VIRGIN!!!!!!!"

I have never... ever... blushed so badly in my life. Witnesses said I turned a purplish blue. As for myself, I almost passed out. I escorted Courtney to her class after being able to breathe again... and about thirty seconds later I wanted to scream.

Ashley was holding hands with some dude.

I wasn't really mad but just upset because I had placed a lot of faith in this girl. We continued on (but not without me kicking a street sign... the sound it made was absolutely ecsquisite) and I bid her adieu once we reached her class, and then continued on to my class.

I really like my English teacher, I knew I was going to like her as soon as I walked in and heard Jimmy Buffett playing. It's also half band people too, and Molly's in there as well. There's just one problem... Mike, Molly's boyfriend, decided to enroll at ICC and he's in that class. Crap. I like Mike but I don't like how Molly acts when she's around him. I'd explain it but I'm having trouble putting it into words. Molly also chewed me out for a reason that I won't get into... I'm still a little angry about it but I'll get over it.

After class I found Amanda sitting around so I talked to her for a while. We talked for a long time, because neither of us had a class until two hours later. I did, however, find out things about her that troubled me. After walking her to class I was pretty distressed about how many issues the girl has. It's not because of selfishness that I was upset, but because I know how obsessive/possessive/whatever I can get and I don't want to hurt her. I went to Molly and asked what I should do, and she didn't understand how I felt and why I felt that way and she lashed out on me. I can't help but feel that she and I are growing apart and it upsets me. She's becoming a different person. Luckily for the both of us, another friend came up (whose opinion was not biased) and gave me some good advice. She said to just give it time.

I had to try out for Jazz Band after that, and I wanted to get a good sound quality out so I decided to use the Bari sax to try out. But when I went to go get it I couldn't find it. Right then, as if by fate, Ben came out of a practice room carrying it. I decided to try out tomorrow... there wasn't any way on this green Earth that I was going to play that thing after him, let alone play on my own Alto... that horn sounds horrible.

After I tried out I went around looking for people and I found Ashley and Caren. I discovered that she had a good reason when she was holding hands with that guy. Someone was "stalking" her so she asked that guy to hold her hand and it worked... the guy eventually left. I talked to them for a bit, but I felt like a tag-along and got a little upset. After that I kinda stuck around the tree until Band. Well, one interesting thing did happen. As if by fate I ran into Caren's roommate and she deemed me worthy of her, so now she's trying to set us up. After band, my ride left me and I ended up stranded. Luckily my cousin Andy was floating around, saw me, and drove me home. I talked to Kelsey last night on the phone, it was very nice. I need more people like her around me.

Saturday, August 21, 1999
11:34 AM, on the computer

Well, in my depressive fit yesterday I completely forgot to talk about yesterday... yeesh.

My day started out pretty badly, Courtney was thirty minutes late because she picked up Molly first. I was ten minutes late for my first class, and it's the one that's televised via satellite. I saw that the cameras were on and I didn't want to be embarassed by walking in and being seen by people from four different schools, so I decided to let chance dictate it and I flipped a coin. I skipped the class and continued on my way. I ended up running into Ashley by the tree and talking to her until it was time for class.

French III is... well... it's interesting. It's just me, and two other reasonably pretty girls. It's going to be a weird class, and I have a feeling I'm going to have to get to know those girls pretty well, considering we'll have to be working together so closely. The teacher said she was impressed with my French skills. I just told her I had a good teacher.

I loved Speech and Diction. In a class of eleven I know 5 of the people, and the teacher is my advisor. We had to do an exercise where we had to read a monologue and record our voice, so that later in the semester we could listen to it and see if our speech patterns have changed. I decided that then was the perfect moment to get Courtney back, so I picked out a monologue from Don Juan and dedicated it to her. In the monologue Don Juan was talking to a maiden and telling her how beautiful she was, and he tried to convince her to leave her fiancée and marry him. The expression on her face was priceless.

In Psychology I darn near fell asleep. I'm going to have to bring extra money for a cup of coffee before that class.

During lunch I walked over to the cafeteria and I ran into Amanda and she asked where my other women friends were. I wondered that myself because I was supposed to have lunch with them so I looked in the nearest window and there they were. I went back and I talked to Amanda and she wanted to know why I didn't eat with them. I simply replied that my prior engagement was immediately cancelled when they did not meet me when they were supposed to... and besides, I found something better to do. She looked flattered and that made me feel pretty good. I severely needed the pick-up too. I walked her to class and afterwards I went back to go see if Ashley was out yet. I saw her and her friends talking to a Mansonite so I idiotically decided to join them. The fact that I always carry around a lighter got me attention but I didn't want to stick around, especially when the Mansonite declared something like "well, Satan is god, and I am god!" and Ashley hugged him and made him a sticker that said "Hello, I am Satan!"

At that moment... Ashley suddenly seemed completely unattractive to me. I wanted to throw up so I just left. No one even said bye.

I walked to the band hall depressed, angry, confused, and overemotional. I didn't want to be around anyone and I REALLY wanted to break something, but I was reminded of the street sign I kicked over last Spring and I didn't want a repeat of that ordeal. I decided then was a good time to try out so I went and found the Bari sax, and warmed up. I severely choked on the sight reading (which has NEVER happened before) but I asked Dr Patrick if I could improv for him, and I felt wonderful after doing it. I hope I get a good position.

At about that time I suddenly remembered that I hadn't eaten lunch... and the cafeteria had closed thirty minutes ago. I decided to go into the Student Union and get something to eat at a vending machine when I noticed that I needed change. I went to the desk to get some and the lunch lady noticed I looked upset, and she gave me a fried chicken sandwich and a bag of chips. I need to thank her Monday, it really made me feel better. I also thanked God for that stroke of divine intervention. He really takes care of me, if I could find a girl that's a FRACTION as supportive as He is I'll happily spend my life with her. Well back to the story, I happily munched on the chips, walked over to the wall, finished my sandwich, and took a short nap on the wall. I don't know how long I slept but when I woke up Ashley was sitting sidesaddle on my chest. I didn't want to be around her but I didn't necessarily want her to leave either. Eventually she got up and started writing a letter to her "boyfriend" and she got to be in a bad mood. At two thirty she had to try out and I tried to get her in a better mood but she was stubborn. She tried out and did better than I did on sight reading, but she didn't beleive me. I got really really depressed from talking to Ashley. I had the sudden realization that no one I want to talk to cares enough about me to go find me. All the people I don't want talking to me follow me around and scare off the people I want to talk to. The only non-net friends I have that give a crap about me are Courtney and Molly.

Well at around three I ran into a girl I met last year, and she was seemingly okay but then she mentioned she had to go to work. I asked her where and she replied that she was the new supervisor at Spencer's.

This is the girl that got my job.

I REALLY felt good about myself then... and if you can't detect the sarcasm in that then smack yourself repeatedly with a tuna. But I like the girl though, she's sweet. My cousin stood her up for a date the other night. What a bonehead.

FINALLY... at about 3:30 Courtney and Amanda got out of their class and started talking about the weekend. We left and as soon as I got into the car I realized that then was the perfect time to ask Amanda out. Courtney only replied with "duh." I had a mood crash when Courtney told me some bad news, and I really felt like a jerk because here I was pouring out all the crap I've gone through and what happened to her didn't even hold a CANDLE to my selfish concerns. I need to find out what the Christian concept of Karma is. I seriously believe in it. Is it perhaps fate?

I got home at about 4:30 and Courtney hung around for a bit with her daughter. I didn't want to trouble anyone so I went on the comp and started playing video games. Courtney left for Tennessee to see her mother and Julie went to her boyfriend's house so the 'rents and I went to a Chinese restaurant. Eating Chinese didn't make me feel better because I saw some "old friends" that I went to high school with, and they didn't even say hi, let alone NOTICE me. Going home I felt lonely and upset. Sometimes I feel like it's just me and God in this world, and while I know it's all I need... even God Himself admitted that every man needs a companion. Every Adam needs his Eve. I looked at my fortune and it made me feel a bit better... "Everything is not yet lost."

As long as I'm on the subject of Tupelo girls, I don't think I've ever told anyone about the experiment I did. I took twenty girls, ten from Tupelo, five from the surrounding areas (Starkville, Memphis, etc), and five from anywhere else in the world. I got to know them all, and eventually the subject of what I look like came up. I showed them all four pictures of me and this was the results:

All of the outside girls thought I was cute.
Eight of the Tupelo girls didn't.
The other two weren't natives of Tupelo.

I found that native Tupelo girls have no taste in men. They date preps, jocks, and basically unintelligent looking bruisers with no necks and big trucks. And people wonder why MS has such a low general intelligence. Only stupid people breed here. And as for the two Tupelo girls that DO think I'm cute... well I don't think it's a coincidence that they're not from around here. Just for good measure I even asked Molly (who is from Arizona) and Courtney (too many places to mention... she's like that other girl on the Patty Duke show) and they both admitted that I was somewhat cute, attractive, whatever... they both had very original answers.

There is a section of Gloster Street where all the fast food places are, and this particlar section is called the strip. Every town has one, and here it's overpopulated by the general teenage, undersexed, overdrinking, wisdom-lacking, "me too!", boneheads. I saw a car wreck and Dad asked the officer what happened. It turned out to be a wreck involving a buncha preppies trying to show off by squealing their tires... I prayed for their safety though, but felt some satisfaction in the fact that their stupidity backfired, and I also hoped that they learned a lesson. I can't stand the people around here that are members of my own generation. Dad turned on the radio and it was time for the dedication hour. I heard someone request a teenybopper song to a guy that she was sorry for upsetting (gee this sounds familiar) and I realized something: The local members of my generation wouldn't know Love if Cupid smacked them on the head with the entire blasted quiver. When I got home Kelsey called me and I was constantly interrupted by people so I had to let her go, and I wanted to work on my journal but I went to sleep instead.

Today, I don't feel better. I'm incredibly bitter, I'm lonely, I'm depressed, but I know God's going to take care of me. Heck, it even makes me feel better to type it. I wish someone I want to talk to would call me or something. I'm tired of sitting around and doing nothing on weekends. I also need a job, but I'm patiently waiting until September so I can take that Spencer's job that Jeff promised me.

8:45 PM
on the computer

I may like kids, but I'm not planning on having one until I'm MUCH older. If you can't tell, I went shopping with Courtney and Samantha. It was pure hell. Court asked if I'd take Sam on the merry-go-round, and I said yes (but only after being thoroughly convinced) and bought a ticket while Courtney went to a store and bought something. After the ride I went to go find Court and she was still in the same store. I don't think I'll ever understand why women spend so much time in one place, especially with a rambunctious almost-three-year-old in tow. Samantha kept throwing temper tantrums and she really started to annoy me before Courtney got in the checkout line. Lucky me, when Court was checking out I smelled something REALLY bad. I think you know EXACTLY what I'm talking about. I had to deal with that little stinkpot for almost ten minutes while Court was checking out. We got her to a bathroom eventually though, but not before Samantha wiped a streak of poop down my arm. Thank goodness for scented lotion soaps.

We were both pretty irritated after that, so we decided to cut the day short and go back to my house so Sam could play with Mom. Heck we should have let her stay there in the first place. I still love Samantha though, she's one of the cutest lil tykes I've ever seen and I'll do a lot to see her... but trust me, take her mom's word when she says Sam is a handful.

Well I'm finally getting a chance to relax now, thank goodness. I've been doing housework part of the day and I was a surrogate father for the other half. I'm completely exhausted. I wonder what Meredith is up to...

9:11 PM
on the comp

Nothing much to say, just wanted to type something at 9:11... yes I'm bored.

A message to anyone reading: Smash Mouth is great.

10:07 PM
Still on the comp, still bored.

The sheep goes "baaaaaa"
The cow goes "mooooo"
The duck goes "ooh, a redhead!!!"