Sunday, August 29, 1999
12:27 AM, on the computer
I just got off the phone with Amanda... and I'm very depressed. She's starting to seem very unattractive and my heart is somewhat broken because I really liked her. No she didn't ditch me... but she just keeps telling me things about herself that I just can't handle. When I say that my conscience kicks in and I feel guilty for belittling her because she has emotional baggage. I don't know what I should do, and I'm going to have to do it alone. I'm not going to Courtney about it because she's pressuring me severely to go out with Amanda, but I will tell her what's going on.
12:56 PM, at Courtney's Apartment
Okay, right now I'm over at Courtney's apartment right now because she's sick, and I was watching Teletubbies because her daughter was watching it... okay well actually Sam's asleep, but I didn't want to wake her up. Point is, I went to go check on Court and then mom called, and I noted that the tape had stopped and when I went to go get something else to put in, what I saw mortified me.
Today was Arthur Ashe day at the US Open... and the hosts were some fat dude from CBS, Carson Daly (whom I admit liking), and Rosie O' Donnell?? Introducing Brittany Spears???????
Golf came on.
Golf.
I detest golf. I think that playing a sport is fine, but please, but the course out in the middle of nowhere where someone won't live, not in a place that could be used for low-cost housing for the homeless! And I still don't see why they'd pay a guy 1 million greenbacks for winning a golf tournament... and what I still can't get over is how dramatic they try to play Golf across as... I mean yeah I've played it a few times and I'm decent at it, and yes it's fun to play but to watch??? Something the announcers kept saying that cracked me up was "okay, let's check the action..."
I wish I could make the face I made on the internet, let alone say the expletives I used.
10:49 PM, on the computer
Well I'm back home... and I really wish I wasn't. For some reason the real world is my shelter and home is my trial. I'll explain in a minute.
Okay after writing the above entry I went to check on Courtney again and ended up falling asleep in her bed beside her, and Samantha came up and crawled into the bed too so it made me feel nice... like I had a family of my own or something. I thought of the women in my life and I realized that I'm lucky right now, but pretty soon I'm going to have to start making some serious decisions.
Right when I thought that there was a knock on the door and it was Courtney's mom to pick up Samantha so her Court could recuperate. It was good seeing Allison again, it had been about... wow, almost a year since I had seen her last. She went out to water Court's plants and Samantha went with her. I watched Courtney's mom water the plants, and as if on cue Samantha started peeing all lover the place... it was so funny. Allison took Sam and I cleaned up the pee. I laughed my butt off, it wa hilarious.
Mom called at around 5:30, a few minutes after Allison left with Samantha, and she had to remind me that I was hungry. So I went to Kroger to pick up some dinner for Courtney and I and I saw this groovy Obi-wan watch that I had to get... so I got it.
When I got back to the apartment Courtney and I watched a movie, then we made dinner and ate it, and we sat down and watched When Harry Met Sally while I ran my fingers through her hair (she asked me to). I got a call from mom towards the end of the movie and dad came to get me.
When I got home I invented an interesting meal using beef ramen, shredded pork cured with teriyaki and soy sauce, and chopped cabbage. After happily wolfing it down (that stuff was gooooood!!) I got on the internet and just like the past few nights I got ticked off very quickly. A close friend of mine kept talking about rolling face and I asked her what it meant. I knew she had a drug history and I've helped her with it many times, and I was even around when she OD'ed once so I wasn't going to be surprised if she was doing pot again. But she wasn't... rolling face means doing x... Excstacy... I had to bury a friend that did x. Suddenly I was feeling very sick, and I told her that I'd rather her have been smoking pot... then she told me that x cleanses the soul and my religious beliefs kicked in. I simply told her that I had a strong dislike of X because a close friend died because she used it a lot, and I explained to her that I wasn't going to make her quit but I was losing respect for her, and then I said I didn't want to talk to her for a while... she said she loved me and I told her to leave.
So here I am... twenty minutes later... and I'm upset. I can't find a good girl these days that doesn't use drugs. I hate drugs. I have an extreme disgust for them and I don't have much respect for people that use them. I think they're weak people. I just can't get over the feeling that in the same day I've shut out two girls that were important to me, and both because of drugs. Right now I want to write a rant about drug users, but for the first time in my life I'm scared to death that I'll go too far.
Thank goodness Kelsey's on... I swear, that girl has to be an angel... sometimes she's too good to be true. She keeps her wings very well hidden. Well... I'm tired, so I think I may go to bed now. I hope tomorrow goes by okay. Lord, if you're listening I could use a favor here...