"Free" Lap Dances Nothing can ruin the ordinary stripper's day then some punk asking for a FREE lap dance. Why don't people understand???!!!! There are no FREE lap dances! That means get your broke ass out there and make some money so that I may provide you with some quality entertainment! I gotta pay my bills too. BRING MONEY!!! People have gone as far as to offer me food for lap dances. I don't do lap dances for food and I certainly won't do them for that "large pizza sitting out in your car." If I can't pay for my things that need to be paid with it, IT'S NOT LEGAL TENDER! So don't waste my time. NO FOOD FOR DANCES!!! I most certainly don't do lap dances for drugs either. I hate drugs and no matter how much you whine it's not gonna make me want to do a dance for you or make me start liking drugs. Don't try to tell me that I'm lying and really like to "get stoned" or "high" or "messed up" or whatever. I'm not lying. Go snort the pizza in your car. NO DRUGS FOR DANCES!!! My pitiful club works like this; each song costs $20 and the club takes $5 off each one. So why do you ask me if I will do a dance for $5? You're an idiot then because even the most inexperienced of mathematicians knows that this adds up to me making $0 and wasting my time smelling your stench coming over to talk to you in hopes of getting money when I could be talking to someone who might respect what I do. BASIC MATH KNOWLEDGE REQUIRED!!! You can't have my number. If I give you one it's either the club's number or a fake or an ex's number. I don't wanna know you. I just wanna make some money and go home. NO PHONE NUMBERS!!! I will pleasently ignore and block out any question or statement that follows: (a) Do you guys do blow ______ here? (b) How much does a blow _____ cost? (c) What is your real ______ ? (d) What is your address/home phone/cell phone number? (e) I wanna do ____ and _____ to you all night long. (f) But the strippers in _____ are allowed to ____ ! (g) I wish I could do ____ and ____ to you right now! So before you go into a gentlemens club. Try to think a little and maybe act like a gentleman.I may be a dancer but I am also a person with real feelings just like you. Chances are that I have met a million other people like you and can deal with you faster than you think. Treat me with respect and we may become good friends. Thank you. Sincerely, Jade + BACK TO WRITING +