Fire your cranky old boss and throw your alarm clock at him as you thumb your nose at him while you walk out the door! I did!!! That was a mere four years ago. Since then I've made it big selling Magic Muck(TM) and Wonderful Worms(TM), and you could too! Other products are available too, so you'll never hit market saturation with our line of changing, appealing and clever products. As people finally catch on to one worn out product, another new product is introduced, of course not without the full faith and backing of our high tech research facility in beautiful West Mudbank, USA. Or, simply use an incredible technique that our fine exemplary intern associate Huck Stirr developed in his first semester at our academy. Huck originally became a little bit too excited about our product line and ordered far more of our Wonderful Worms(TM) than he or we could ever imagine he could have hoped to resale. He started having problems pushing them as people started catching on. So he "con"-structed a wonderful technique, available to you too, which can be used to push any of our products. Huck's simple technique allows him to sell the same worn out line of products endlessly while keeping some poor dumb fools, er, I mean, lovely customers as happy as ever. His technique is so simple you'll laugh, all the way to the bank. He simply changes the name of the product a little each year. This way the same old people buy the same old product, again and again, thinking they are either getting the new improved version or something entirely different and better each time they get suckered, er, I mean, each time they buy our wonderful one-of-a-kind products. We have never had any complaint from customers about these fire wor..., er, I mean, sand stirring worms. Huck has since sold all of the extra little bas.., er, I mean, angelic little critters that he originally bought. He regularly keeps buying more of our Wonderful Worms(TM) to sell!
This is only a sample of one of the new techniques, developed by our "committed" research staff, that we can teach you. We are confident that we can help you attain the type of financial freedom you've only dreamed of!!! The more people you sign up under you the faster your part of the business grows in the hierarchy of our exciting company which is well established. Scamble Enterprises has over 100 years of combined experience between our staff members at removing the burden of heavy wallets from the public, friends, relatives, and you name it, any unsuspecting poor fool, er, I mean, fine people who expresses interest. After all, raking in dough is the name of the game. Somebody's gonna scam your family, er, I mean, sell the same fine products to your family and friends if you don't beat 'em too it. Remember the old song that goes something like, "If you want it, here it is. Come and get it, but you better hurry, 'cause it's goin' fast..." It might as well be you who takes care of their money problems! Everyone wants to get rid of money. We'll show you how to help them solve their number one problem, just like they want so badly, so they don't even know it, as the song says. How can you lose with this type of win-win marketing strategy? If they suspect, not to worry, you can refer to our new pocket guide, "101 Excuses: Placing the Blame Back on the Customer." We help you suck-ceed! We won't leave you in the dark to flounder. We'll show you exactly how to do it the way the real pros do it, step by step with our proven techniques and track record. We personally take you by the hand and coach you step by step, helping you harness the incredible power of the latest sca.., er I mean, sales opportunities in the quickly growing and incredibly naive saltwater reef aquarium hobby. Hobbyists need an education and we're here to do just that!
So what are you waiting for? Let's get started!
Pick up that phone right now and call 1-8RAPE-A-REEF today!
(story told by, Tom Miller & Jake Levi ;-)
A friend sent some info on an exciting "new product release."
Please don't pass this on to anyone since it's still a secret.
He came up with a great new product to market, with secret ingredients.
You ought to order some as soon as it's available to the public!
We hear it's fantastic! Literally unbelievable results!
20 gram bottle of super concentrated Suckertivore (TM) solution for only $59.95 plus shipping ($39.95 - special insulation and heat packs) 2 drops per 10 gallons each day, that's all it takes to get the reef you've always wanted!
It slices, it dices, it turns bad into good! Watch your reef tank take on colors like you could only imagine. Watch corals come to life with vibrant colors of the rainbow, brilliant coralline algae appear like magic. Now, Imagine everything in your reef tank effortlessly multiplying like crazy as you go nuts trying to keep up with it by selling and trading dozens of fish and coral cuttings per week at your local fish store to keep overcrowding at bay! Can you envision a money making machine of unparalleled proportions?
We can't guarantee it, but shouldn't you give it a try!? Reports are aloft that varieties of difficult-to-raise snails are now multiplying like rabbits where others hardly succeeded before. And to think, all of this could be possible only after drinking a little bit of Sukertivore (TM) yourself! Just wait 'til you try it in your reef tanks.
The uses are nearly endless... Yep, you guessed it, say goodbye to the male itch too! (Great for baseball players, plus a reduced craving for chewing tobacco as well!)
It's also good for mothers-in-law, fallen arches, dechlorinating tapwater, adjusting specific gravity in salt water, denitrifying, taking out phosphates, adding phosphates, and it replaces carbon, and you can brush your teeth with it.
A secret study is now being done as an over-the-counter (pet shop)replacement for Viagra, but don't tell anybody, all very hush hush. It also inhibits the meat eating requirements of carnivores and we recommend adding large angels, butterflyfish and crabs of ALL kinds to complete reef tanks with absolutely no signs whatsoever of any harm to the corals or other reef inhabitants! It is being used now in trials with Arctic wolves in herding reindeer and appears a complete success as the wolves graze lichens under the snow that the reindeer are happy to dig up and share with them. Santa really likes that!
We are offering advance subscriptions to our next stock issue at a special donation of just $10,000 per share which is a bargain as it right now trades at a dazzling $ .39 per share. We expect to be releasing the stock issue in 2010. Until then you are entirely covered by our promise to be nice in how we steward the funds. We have found a real friendly banker in Mexico who is working with us on this. He is a real nice guy.
Our friend billy clinton has put all the weight of his character and integrity behind our product! He has already ordered three cases to be given to each of the female interns in the white house.
Also you might try dosing your tanks with "Reality" (no trademark), another great product that's been around much longer. They often give free samples at many locations. I think you may be able to find it on the dealer's shelf right next to "Sukertivore (TM)" so you can buy whichever you think best... The "Reality" is not packaged quite so pretty as Suckertivore (TM) so it's easy to miss.
Corally,
& Happy Holidays,
with tongue firmly in cheek
Tom Miller & Jake Levi
On the way out of the LFS (local fish store), my wife says, "Honey, those little fishies are beautiful, and a good deal at $10 a piece, but why did that guy charge you $50 for those rocks??"
***
PUNDITS TELL us that Allah refrained from deducting from the allotted time of man those hours spent in fishing. If Allah was in his right mind, however, he'd deduct thirty years from the perpetrator of the following mess of piscatorial puns:
The prettiest she-fish in the whole aquarium was Bess Porgy. Young John Haddock's gills fluttered with suppressed poisson every time she, and her chubby friend, Mazie Angelfish, slithered down the pike. To kipper in comfort was his consuming obsession.
Trouble loomed, however, when the two girls worked out a sister act and opened at the Globe under the management of Salmon & Shuster who sat in the second roe (he was slightly hard of herring) and viewed the performance with a sardinic smile. "Confidentially," he told a grouper friends later, "the girls' act smelt, but they're pretty cute tricks. I found the one who was barracuda."
John Haddock's sole shriveled at these words. "Only an act of cod will keep my Bess out of his clutches," he muttered shadly. Mazie Angelfish tried to rally him. "Don't be blue," she counseled. "You are no common weakfish. You are a Haddock. Remember Dorothy Vernon of Haddock Hall. Get in there and put that bass, sailfish old flounder trout!"
John squared what passes for shoulders in a fish. "Thanks, Mazie," he spluttered. "By gum and bivalve, I'll get out of this pickerel yet. If that shrimp expects to mackerel have me to reckon with!"
Suiting the action to the words, he knocked his rival off his perch so effishently that poor Mr. Goldfish whaled for the carps - and a sturgeon to get the bones out of his mouth.
"I did it on porpoise," cried the exultant John Haddock, clasping Bess, who looked prettier than Marlin Dietrich, to his slippery chest.
It was all such a shark to Mr. Goldfish that he's been ell to this very day.
The Haddocks had a tarpon time of it ever after.