Well, Election Day has come and gone, and with it all the excitment and ruckus that surrounds a presidential election. Thank God.
As if it was any surprise, Bill Clinton retained his position as Commander in Chief. Yes, "Puffy" is staying in D.C. for another four years, and now we can only hope that he doesn't realize that it's his last four years in office. Now that he doesn't have to worry about public opinion or reelection (since he's outta there in a short 48 months), he can enact legislation favorable to himself...so watch out.
Luckily, I was able to gain an advance copy of Clinton's Four Year Plan from a reliable source. I've got to warn you, it's not pretty. Here are some of the major highlights:
Hillary = permanent ambassador to Greenland
The guy who created the Arch Deluxe becomes Secretary of the Interior
Saturday night toga parties in the Oval Office
National Guard used to commandeer the local Arby's
James McDougal and Paula Jones become harder to find than Jimmy Hoffa
Baywatch chosen as national t.v. show
Janet Reno replaced by Zap from American Gladiators
New White House additions include pool, wet bar, presidential waterbed and the all-important back door so Bill can sneak his "guests" out if needs be
Presidential Limo trashed.....new car is Kitt from Knight Rider
Elvis appointed to demigod status
Secret Service now the Escort Service
Air Force One stewardess crew now bikini-clad Swedes
Cheech & Chong become chief faculty advisors
See, things aren't looking too bright for America now that Bubba's back in business. Not that Dole would have been a better choice. Having Dole as president would be like having my great-grandfather in office. At least with Clinton it's like having an uncle who takes you to strip clubs leading the nation.
So, now that Clinton's back in the big house, it means that the things he promised in his campaign speeches will start to take effect, right? Wrong-o. I'd sooner put my money on the possibility that it'll rain chickens on the Fourth of July faster than I would on the validity of campaign promises. Don't think that "the bridge to the 21st century" is going to be paved with gold...it'll be about as stable as the bridge Indy had to cross in Temple of Doom.
That is not to say that Clinton is not going to keep his word. I mean, he hasn't done too bad so far. In fact, I'm rather optimistic about the next four years. Who the hell am I kidding? This is a president with a 2.7 million dollar legal bill! A president shouldn't even have 2.7 million dollars to begin with, let alone a legal bill of the same size.
But I must stop myself and realize that he is who the American people wanted. This is the best we have to offer. Of all the 260+ million people living in the United States, voters were left to choose between a raving lunatic dwarf, a codger with a soft spot in his aged heart for tobacco companies (their money, at least), and a guy who could have been hired for a part in Deliverance. This is it. These people are the chosen few who got the chance to become our leader. So don't any of you complain - you helped these people get as far as they did.
No matter how faulty Clinton is, he can't be expected to be perfect. There's only one person who personifies perfection, and he goes by the name of Bond...James Bond. Unfortunately, 007 is British and therefore disqualified from pursuing the presidency. Clinton, or any president for that matter, cannot be expected to be all things to all people, even though they all want him to be. Sure, he could be a little more...I don't know... moral, I guess - but we each have our own faults.
Speaking of his faults, most of them come courtesy of the First Wench. Oops, I think I meant First Lady. Let's face it, she's evil - very, very evil. Her notorious hairstyle changes are nothing more than an attempt to cover up the 666 she has stenciled in on her scalp.
I have to go out on a limb and say that Clinton may have also lost a few votes due to Chelsea. Not to get on her case, but have you ever really looked at her? She could crack a mirror with that mug. I've seen better faces on bulldogs. (It seems that whatever rules of good taste there were in this article have just been thrown out the window....oh well)
Now, onto the losers. How do you think Dole feels right now? He's probably in his home right now sitting in his Barka-Lounger in his underwear, watching "The Facts of Life", thinking "what in the world was I doing?" He should have known it was over when he took that spill on his campaign tour. Once you fall down in public, you're pretty much toast - I mean, look at Gerald Ford. He said he was the most optimistic man in America. Yeah, he kind of had to be to think that he actually had a chance of winning. I wouldn't be surprised to hear that he also thought that maybe, just maybe, the networks would bring back Hawaii Five-O.
And what about Perot? He probably doesn't even realize that he's lost yet; he's probably still on one of his crazy rants (example: "...what we do is we hog-tie Saddam and throw him in a cesspool with a dozen hungry squirrels and say "See that? That's a little slice of American Pie." Then you get a donkey and a bottle of glue, and....").
But anyway, we're stuck with the Arkansas Avenger until the big 2000, when Al Gore - the man so stiff and rigid that he's the Anti-Gumby - tries his hand at the White House. Whether you like Clinton or not, he's running the show now, and we have to follow his stage directions...at least until the curtain falls on him.
Back to Mike's columns.