NOTE: This is one of Mike's first editorials ever, as well as one of the funniest. Enjoy!
As we leave the grassy plains of junior high and reach the iron bars of high school, we are opened up to a topic that will affect us our whole lives -- no, not the government's use of B.I. cafeteria food as a radioactive isotope -- politics.
In high school we start to form opinions on issues and side with certain parties and candidates. Even though only a fraction of Ireton students can vote, everyone seems to have an opinion on who belongs in the White House. An issue that's making a lot of noise -- besides the rumor that Socks the cat wrote Primary Colors -- is the Republican nomination race. If that term seems unfamiliar, perhaps you'll recognize it under its official title: the Ringling Bros., Barnum & Bailey Circus.
There are four front-runners right now (the only four left, really): Pat Buchanan, Steve Forbes, Lamar Alexander, and the Crypt Keeper (whoops! sorry...that's Bob Dole). Over the past few months these fine, upstanding gentlemen have done more mudslinging than the average Woodstock attendee. And it seems that, no matter what they do to one-up each other, they give more and more votes to Clinton; which means it looks like Hillary will have four more years in D.C. (or four to ten in Leavenworth if this Whitewater thing doesn't settle down). Let's take a look at each candidate, shall we?
Pat Buchanan (affectionately referred to by his staff as Der Fuhrer) had the lead in this race, thanks in part to his victory in the New Hampshire primary. Since then, his showings in the primaries have dwindled, and his popularity is running away quicker than Clinton when he learned that he may have to go to Vietnam. He attacks issues like homosexuality and illegal immigration with such strength and fervor that he makes the Tasmanian Devil look like he's on Prozac. With his powerfully radical views, he's practically handing votes over to Clinton (a Clinton spokesperson later said that the President would prefer to be handed Twinkies rather than votes).
Steve "Flat Tax" Forbes took an unexpected lead after the Arizona primary but has since fallen short of his expectancies. Even though this gawkish, filthy-rich candidate was the leader of the pack for a while, there's no way he'll ever become our next Commander-in-Chief because he's just too funny looking. Have you ever taken a good look at him? I mean a really good look (remember, if you stare too long you may go blind)? He is to the beauty world what a mime is to anything: something that, no matter how hard they try, will never, ever fit in. Forbes was in New York to see "The Phantom of the Opera"...the audience was more scared o his face than the phantom's (I think he got a souvenir mask). On top of that, his platform consists of nothing more than a flat-tax program. For those of you who do not understand a 'flat tax' is: it's like that spot on the Monopoly game board where you can either pay $200 or 10% of your total funds...this would be like paying the $200. His policies could be good for the U.S., but I think he's lost the foothold he needs to ensure a victory. Hmm...I wonder if he could buy the Presidency.
We now come to Lamar Alexander, who has single-handedly gotten as far as he has with nothing more than a flannel shirt, a piano, and the ABC's. With his "Alexander Beats Clinton and Dole...etc." he sounds like Mr. Rogers after taking one too many trips to Storyland. He had a fairly clean campaign (i.e. no voodoo dolls of other candidates, etc.), but found trouble when he couldn't correctly price a gallon of milk and a dozen eggs. Clinton, showing that he possessed knowledge of the common man's necessities, correctly calculated the price of a triple roast beef sandwich, curly fries, and a large Coke at Arby's from memory alone. But with even this damaging threat to his popularity, Alexander possesses the one key to victory: his name. Not once have we had a president named Lamar (it might be kind of cool, actually). There has been talk of his dropping out of the race, since his standings in the past couple of primaries have been weak.
Finally, there's Bob Dole. What is there to say about him? He's riding high after winning the South Carolina primary and every subsequent primary. (Note: when I say 'riding high,' I in no way mean that Bob Dole looks like he's on drugs - that's Steve Forbes. Actually, Dole's stance on drugs is very clear. When Clinton said he "didn't inhale," Dole came back with: "You didn't inhale, eh? Let me tell you something about Bob Dole. Bob Dole was around long before marijuana was invented...") Dole is also the only living American that Congress has had to carbon date to see jut how old he really is. Heck, even Strom Thurmond remembers sitting on "Uncle Bob's" knee when he was a child. Bob Dole has been a major contributor to our history, and that has contributed to his popularity. For example, if you check the Declaration of Independence, you'll see Bob Dole's signature there. And who was the famous general who led the Americans in the War of 1812? General Bob "Gramps" Dole. But even with all his past accomplishments, he still can't get as much of the youth vote as he would like. (Note: Dole's definition of 'youth' is anyone 65 years of age and younger.) Maybe if he tried to fit in with the younger generation - dye his hair, get a tongue stud or nose ring, change his middle name to 'Hootie' - then maybe he'd get the support he is seeking. The Dolester really needs to loosen up a bit because, right now, he's making Nixon's corpse look like a cha-cha dancer who's had one cappuccino too many. Nevertheless, it looks like Dole is going to be the Republican nominee for president.
But these four aren't the only candidates we've had the pleasure of hearing. Phil Gramm (who, by the way, got 12% of the vote in Arizona...even though he had dropped out of the race) looked like a doped up turtle - and sounded like one. Dick Lugar, also dropping out, should be made president because his name is even better sounding than 'Lamar.' And we at Ireton all know about 'that guy' who only got 0.01% in New Hampshire...thank you Channel 1.
No matter, their shot at the White House is over. This race has been about who can get the most media coverage, not who has the best ideas. Thanks to the candidates who dropped out, we are left with a card player with a great hand but no means to play it (lest people think he's cheating), with four jokers...none of which are going to be a wild card.
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