Cain's Rants

Monica Lewinsky: Let me get this straight: a year or so ago, Monica Lewinsky had some sort of sexual liason with the President. She got a 'white substance' on the dress. She went home, and then mailed the dress to her mother. Is there somthing seriously wrong with this picture. RING RING "Hello?" "Hi mom, it's me, Monica. I just screwed some guy and am going to mail you the semen stained dress I was wearing. Can you keep it safe for me? " "Sure hon, anything else" "Gee, I don't think so, do you want the sheets and the condom too?" This is just not right.

Guns: I've been talking about this one for a while now...If a state can sue the tobacco industry for producing a product that kills, then what would stop them from suing a gun manufacturer? Well, evidently, nothing. It seems that one state has decided to sue gun makers for the expense of investigating crimes involving guns. They want to include everything from the cost of the coroner to the $200 is costs to clean the blood of the city streets. Jesus people, does this sound insane? I knew this was going to happen.

Tobacco: If you started smoking in 1976 and now at the ripe old age of, let's say... 48, you have lung cancer. So, despite two decades of warnings, you can sue the company that made the cigarettes. Wow. Think of all the possiblities. I've been eating red meat since I was three weeks old. And we all know red meat clogs the arteries. So... according to popular belief, I should sue both McDonald's and the US Beef Industry. Come to think of it, I drive a car. Cars are inheirently dangerous. So, I should sue, right? I have no sympathy for someone that started smoking after the introduction of warnings. I can sympathize with a person that took up smoking before the government felt it necessary to warn people. And I don't think that the family of a dead person should sue for damages. It's nothing more than cashing in on the stupidity of a loved one. Why do people think this is legal? "My pa played Russian Roulette once a day for 23 years. Yesterday the gun went off and he died. I'm going to sue Smith & Wesson." Sounds dumb, eh?

True Crime: Get a load of this story: A guy in San Jose, actually tried to rob a gun store. Big suprise, he got shot. HA!

Home Loans and the Stock Market: I've noticed quite a few advertisments for home equity loans. Basically, these companies will allow you to borrow money against your house, even if you don't own it. The next set of ads are for stock market investments. So, basically, we've got one company wanting to give you money and the others wanting you to invest that money. And you can even invest on line. Doesn't this sound like the begining of the Great Depression. People borrowing money with not enough collateral, then investing it in the stock market with little knowledge of what they are buying. This is not a good sign. I once read that when a bellhop starts giving you stock tips, it's time to pull out. Well, yesterday, and enlisted member of the Armed Forces was doing just that. (and yes, I do invest, but only thru a well managed mutual fund)

Ball Girls: Some baseball teams hire " ball girls" to retrieve foul balls that don't go into the stands. But I've noticed many of these women are quite feminine and don't throw very well. These teams are making a mistake. I think they should hire lesbians to do that job. Not femmes, but full-on, bad-ass, 90-mile-an hour bull dykes. The kind you see in hardware stores. I' ll tell you one thing, you'd get a lot more good plays and strong return throws out there. And if some fan leaned out of the stands to pick up a foul ball, the "ball dyke" could drag him onto the field and beat the shit out of him for about forty-five minutes. And if any baseball players tried to stop her, she could just deck them, too.

What's up with corn and the digestive system? (and you know what I: m talking about.)

Post Office Blues: Since 1983, more than thirty people have been killed in post office shootings. You know why? Because the price of stamps keeps changing. There's a lot of pressure. " How much are they now, Rob? Twenty-nine? Thirty-two? I can't keep track! Fuck it!" BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG!!!

Rules of War: Did you know that there is actually a moratorium on the use of lasers on the battlefield? See, the fine weapon manufacturer' s of the United States invented a nice little "gun" that fires a low power laser capable of only one thing... blinding people. That's it. It's too low powered to pierce the skin, but it can burn the iris. Cool. So, here we have a nice weapon. No one actually dies. No one looses a limb. You' re just blind. If I had a choice between blind and dead, I would take blind. However, the fine folks at the UN decided that it would be better if we killed people with napalm and depleted-uranium tipped 25mm projectiles. Thank God! How about land mines? A ban on a device that protects our men and women from hostile attacks. Ya, I'm for that! There is no problem with land mines. The problem exists with removal of them. Oh, and by the way... it's called WAR. Why have rules if the object is to win?

First-Time: Imagine the first time a human threw-up. " Hey, Klag! Come look at the yak we ate yesterday!"

Daylight Savings Time: Why? What percentage of Americans are farmers? You know why we change our clocks around every few months? Because the Government enjoys the power it has in making us reschedule our lives based on an archic notion. It's nothing but mind control.

Hard work is for people short on talent.

Computers in School: We are hard at work teaching our kids that they have to learn computers so they can get a good job (a good job being one that pays well, not one that you enjoy). So, we have recently flooded our schools with the latest computers at the expense of art, music, text-books, air conditioning, teacher pay, lunch programs, etc... One of my co-worker\rquote s son is in the eighth grade and is actually taking an HTML class! So if the average HTML writter gets paid $60.00 a hour, and a plumber gets $100.00 an hour, why aren't we teaching plumbing? Every town has a plumber. Oakland itself has over 200. If we are truly concerned about our children's future, we should ensure that they are taught the basics and give them the tools to gain employment in any and every job field.

Frank Sinatra: An indited mob-conspirator is dead. And I don't care. That's right. He was no Douglas MacArthur. No Abe Lincoln. No Chuck Yeager. He was a singer and occasional actor. These are not things that make a person a great American. Perhaps America needs to re-prioritize it's concerns, when the top story on the evening news is the death of a singer, and not the threat of thermo-nuclear war in India.

Christianity: No wonder it's a popular religion. If you want to get to heaven, you can basically do anything you want, as long as you ask for forgiveness at the last minute. According to Christianity, Hitler is in Heaven and Ghandi is in hell. Cool! Personally I'm not into any religion. I wouldn't want to piss God off by doing the wrong thing.

For Christmas this year, I want to decide who lives and who dies.

Big Savings: Americans love shopping so much that when we riot against authority we don't attack the head officials or ransack political buildings. What do Americans do? We steal TV's and Toaster Ovens. Capitalism at it's best. I enjoy watching the people of some third world country riot. They hang elected officials, they write politic ultimatums, they stage sit-ins. Americans rob their local K-mart and beat the garbage man. HA!

I think we should attack Russia now. They'd never expect it.

You can't fight City Hall, but you can goddamn sure blow it up!

EXPLOSION: Collapsing a building with explosives is not an implosion. An implosion is a very specific scientific phenomenon. The collapsing of a building with explosives is the collapsing of a building with explosives. The explosives explode, and the building collapses inwardly. That is not an implosion. It is an inward collapsing of a building, following a series of smaller explosions designed to make it collapse inwardly. Period. Screw you.

Jeopardy: Am I the only one that dreams of going on Jeopardy and beating the crap out of Alex Trebek? Image there are three PHD's answering questions that only God would know the answers too. One of them mispronounces pectinesterase. Alex of course corrects them. I would love to see the dignified librarian PHD, drop her buzzer, walk on over to Alex, and kick him in the groin. I would like to go onto Jeopardy and not buzz in once. Just sit there with a big grin, waving every time the camera is aimed at me. That'd be a hoot. Or maybe buzzing in every single time and answering, "What are rubber pants?"

Tape This! Why aren't more funerals video tapped? People bring cameras to your birth, 16th birthday, graduation, marriage, first born, basically every milestone in your life... except death. I guess dying just isn't an important part of your life. Cool. I'll skip it

The Japanese: (I can speak about this because I've been to Tokyo and have seen this stuff) The average hard-working Japanese business man loves to read violent pornographic comic books with grade school characters. They sell these "comics" at every news stand. It's really bizarre sitting next to some 40 year old guy in a suit on the subway and watch him read about 50 foot aliens raping 13 year old girls in school uniforms. Freaky! Taking things a step forward.... Japanese women recently protested and received the right to have a "Women's Only" subway car. It seems that the Japanese men just can't keep to themselves while traveling home from the office. Reports of groping, prodding, and even digital-vaginal rape are common place. The men just don't view it as illegal and the women are usually to ashamed to report the incident. Hell. At least they make a really good 31" TV with PIP and Smart Sound!!!

Things you just don't see: A lemonade stand with a dance hostess

My goal in life: To live longer than Jesus.

Things to do to make life more exciting:

In a public restroom lean out of the stall with your pants down, and ask someone if you can borrow a set of chopsticks and a nine-volt battery.

Leave three Baby-Ruth's and a colostomy bag in the toilet at your office. See if anyone says anything.

Splash some water on your face and run into one of those knife stores in the mall. As you ask to buy a really large butcher knife, keep looking over shoulder. Run back out of the store. Wait ten minutes. Go back to the knife store, acting really relaxed and relieved. Ask for a refund. Then maybe an employment application.

When a salesperson calls your house, act really excited about their offer and tell them you have to go get some paper and a pen. Put the phone down and don't come back.

Sign your 15 year old son up for a subscription to a hard-core gay magazine then accuse him of being queer. See how long it takes before he cries. Do this on a weekly basis.

Go to the Humane Society and ask to see a really fat dog. Keep asking if he's "juicy" , "tender" or if they have any that are "low fat".

Volunteer to baby-sit the neighbor's kids then make them watch "Night of the Living Dead" , "Dawn of the Living Dead", and "Day of the Living Dead" ... back to back.

Get some scrap aluminum and shape it look like twin 25mm canons. Attach it to the roof rack of your 90 Volvo 240DL and drive around town. See who cuts you off now.

Pick up a high-class hooker and pay her to paint your house. (If it's a police sting that would be even better!)

Eat a box of Crayons. It makes poopin' like a little Mardi Gras parade! Weeeee!

Start a car collection: Not Jaguar or Mercedes. But cool cars like the Yugo, Ford Fiesta, La Car, Hyundai, Gremlin, Pacer, Aries K. The classics. It's cheap and would really impress the chicks.

Car Jacking: People are being dragged out of the cars at gun point. You know who' s to blame? It' s the people that use the Club. People are actually being killed because these selfish, boomer degenerates can't stand to part with their personal property. I say that if you get car-jacked, and the guy next to you was using a Club... you should sue for reckless endangerment.

If you spend the day at the airport you will reach the conclusion 50 percent of the people in this country are seriously fucked-up. You can find the other half at the bus station.

School Yard Fun: Oh God, not again. It's not that I really care all that much about a shooting at one of our outstanding public high schools; it's the media's reaction! "Jon, let's get a close up of some of the grieving students"... "Tonight at 10, 3 days later, a look back at (drum roll) TRAGEDY IN OREGON" I can hear James Earl Jones' voice doing the commercial. And of course, everyone is screaming about gun control. GUN CONTROL! This waste of human flesh (Kip!) had 20 bombs, hand gernades and a friggin' howitzer shell! I couldn't hid my report card from my folks, this kid hid weapons of mass destruction. Where? Under his bed? "Gee Kip, what's that lump under your mattress? It better not be another 5 inch howitzer shell." And if they're not blaming guns, they're blaming the parents. WRONG-OH, Jack-O! Every person over the age of 6 knows the difference between right and wrong (unless your psycho). No matter how bad things were, or what someone said or did to the crazy young lad, he always had it within his power to stop himself. I don't care if his Dad beat him with barn-yard animals and his teachers gave him atomic-wedges in front of his girlfriend. He, and only he, has the final responsiblity for his action. It's about time people quit looking for someone to blame, and just accept the fact that occasionaly we have some genetic-mutant human that will do some crazy shit every now and then.

India and THE bomb: Want to know how I see it? India is one of the few countries that realizes that China is still run by a pinko, baby-killing, freedom-squashin' commie bastards! I say, "Way to go India!" We support your right to ensure that your blood-thirsty commie neighbors stay on their side of the border! How dare the US condemn the peacefull people of India for doing the same thing that America has been doing for over 50 years!

Leondardo De Caprio: Here is a fine example of the feminization of the American Male. In the past, young boys could look up to John Wayne, Alan Ladd, Arnold Schwarzengger. These were men that projected testosterone and acted like real men. Cowboys. Iron Workers, Military leaders. Those were role models. Men that worked hard and played hard. Now adays we have the 12 year old teen hearthrob De Caprio. A feminine, juvenile lad who hasn't even reach puberty. Is he the new male icon? Should this pansy-boy be someone to whom our children admire and emulate. Are gone the days of playing cowboys and indians? Should 10 year boys run around playing Titanic? "Mommy, Mommy. When I grow up, I want to be a dreamy-eyed slacker! This is nothing more than women and homosexuals displaying their powerfull influence over the liberal media. You know who started this? Alan Alda.

William J. Clinton: Draft-dodging, pot-smoking, habitual-lying, adulteress weenie. Enough said. P.S. Did you know that under the law he signed, he would remain eligable for burial at Arlington National Cemetery. God Save Us All.

Shroud of Turin: Okay, rumor is that scientists, using DNA testing, have identified red blood cells on the Shroud. They believe the orgin to be from a caucasion male, age 30 to 40 years. Now for the fun idea: Remember Jurrasic Park? Imagine cloning Jesus Christ! We could make tens, hundreds, thousands of Jesus'. "This week on Jerry Springer: Jesus Christ!". Every church would want to rent Jesus for Sunday services. (Tax-free of course) Rich folks would own their own personal Jesus. What entertainment that would be at dinner parties! "Hey, JC, we need some more wine!" Of course Jesus was big on preaching to the masses, SO... JESUS in VEGAS! (with Sigfried and Roy!)

Organ Donations/Farming: YES! When someone dies, their organs should be harvested with or without consent of relatives. To allow a parent to prohibit the use of a dead child's organs in order to save another person's life is nothing more than premeditated murder. It would be like owning a fire extinguisher and not helping put out your neighbor's burning house. I find it repulsive, selfish, and crude.

Social Courtesy: When a person is standing in the express check-out aisle at their local grocer, and they have more than 10 items, I think that other patrons of the store should be allowed to stone the individual. Or, if stones are not available, a good bludgoning about the head and shoulders with bare fists will sufice. The same law would apply if the person was using a check when the aisle is clearing marked ATM or CASH ONLY. God, these people really chap my hide. Simple rules like this make society work more effiently.

Jerry Springer, Car Accidents, & COPS: Lately there's been alot of talk about the moral and redeming values of the Jerry Springer show. Well folks, I love shows like that. COPS, Real Stories of the Highway Patrol, When Animals Attack Part VII, Jerry Springer, Rolanda... all of these shows serve a vital service: They give you the opportunity to say, "Gee, I guess my life doesn't suck." That's right. I think you should take a few minutes out of every day to laugh at the despair of others. That's what they're there for. You slow down at a car wreck, don't you? Why? You don't think, "Oh, those poor people." You actaully go, "Thank god that's not me!" If you ever feel blue about you life, watch one of these shows. They'll raise your spirits and give you the pleasure in knowing that you're not an inbred.

The TODAY SHOW: Who are these shmucks that stand outside of the NBC studios all day? Again, a chance to laugh at the stupidity of your fellow Americans.

African-Americans, Hispanic Americans, Japanese Americans, European Americans, etc...: First of all, when you come to America, and become a legal citizen, you are an American. PERIOD. End of the line. You're no longer Russian or Tibetin. You're American. Everyone speaks of racial equality, then why seperate yourselves with a special little name? Next off: Egypt. It's part of Africa, but their not black. So would they still be African Americans? Or how about someone from Jamaica? According to current PC laws, he/she would be an African Jamaican American. What if he/she became Jewish? Jewish African Jamaican American? It's just so much liberal bullshit. Labels divide people. We need fewer labels, not more. Oh, ya... the same thing goes for Native Americans. First off their not native. They crossed the Bering land bridge from Asia. As far as calling them "Americans" is concerned, do I have to point out what an insult this is? Jumpin' Jesus on a pogo stick! We steal their hemisphere, kill twenty or so million of them, destroy 500 seperate cultures, herd the survivors onto the worst land we can find, and now we want to name them after ourselves. It's appaling.

Space Exploration: It's about damn time NASA got off their collective butts and started colonizing the moon. Man went to the moon using the most primitive of technologies back in the 60's. There is no reason for 30 years of lunar inactivity. I think that private companies should take the baton and run with it. "Microsoft Colony". Companies design, launch and reap the benifits with NASA overseeing safety, kind of like BLM or the FAA. How many people would sign up for that! It would be like the Oklahoma Land Rush. And why a Space Station? When explorers discovered the New World, they didn't go, "Wow, this place is great. Let's build a floating city right off shore!" Why build a station (base) in the worst conditions? Why not build it on the moon! DUH!

Holocoust Monuments: (Gee, I'm really going to upset some folks now. I am the less racist, prejudice person out there, God knows there's enough reasons to hate people on a personal level) Okay... Why are there so many museum exhibits dedicated to the Jewish Holocoust? Why isn't there a Stalinistic Russian Holocost exhibit? Or perhaps a Cambodian Genocide movie of the week. We all know that every race has at one time or another been under the prosecution of others. Millions of people have died for millions of reasons. Why were American School kids forced to watch Schindler's List and not The Killing Fields? Millions of Russians were killed by Hitler, and then millions more by Stalin. Why don't we have a Smithsonian Display for those poor people?

Federal Holidays: If a holiday falls on a Thursday, celebrate the damn holiday on Thursday. This shifting of holidays to Fridays and Mondays is so lame and dishonorable. Martin Luther King, Jr., who preached hard work, dignity, respect, justice, and equality would be a bit pissed off if we celebrated his birthday by saying, "Gee, let's honor this man's spirit by giving ourselves a three day weekend! WEEE." How about Labor Day... "Let's celebrate american muscle and know-how by staying home and watching Jerry Springer!" I think a better idea for Labor Day would be everyone goes to work, brings their families, and have cookouts and company get togethers. And make them mandatory!

Imagine if Adolft Hitler had actually been named Chip. Would he have been a bit more sane? Chip Hitler. "Oh, little Chip Hilter wouldn't hurt a flea". You know who started the Holocoust? Hitler's Mom. She just couldn't keep her legs together. If only she had just said no.

Nightly News: What is up with all the teasing? Every night the guy on the 5 o'clock news goes: "Later in the news, we'll tell you about the firestorm moving towards your home. Stay Tuned." Why wait. And more teasing: "Bob, tell us about some of the stories you'll be covering at the Ten O'clock News". At the Ten O'clock news, its, "And here's a preview of tomorrows top stories." If they were really interested in informing us, they would come on the air, tell us everything we need to know right now, and then get back to Springer!

On TV recently, a guy was complaing that he was sexually 'abused' by a female teacher when he was a boy. He said she touched him and made him touch her in their private parts. Yeah? So? Where's the abuse? Maybe I'm twisted or something, but as a child, I would've been willing to kill for this kind of special attention. I'd have had my hand in the air all day long, "Teacher! I need some more of that special help!" It would have really lent a stimulating new perspective to the idea of staying after school.

Kids Today: I know this sounds like old-fart talk, but I think today's kids are too soft. They have to wear plastic helmets for every outside activity but jacking off. Toy safety, car seats, fire-resistant pajamas. Shit! Soft, baby boomer parents, with the cult of the child, are raising a crop of soft, fruity kids.

Bumper Stickers That I want:

"We have a son in public school who hasn't been shot yet. And he sells drugs to your fuckin' honor student"

"Our son was a teen suicide because of unrealisitc expectations by his parents"

"I support Bio-Weapons Research!"

"Organ Farming Now!"

"Nice people Suck"

"Think Globaly, Act Locally. Shoot a neighboor"

"Baby Stuck to Front Bumper"

The Enemy: Do you know why we'll never truely win any future wars? Inability to Hate. The PC Military leaders have made it a mortal sin to hate any race or culture. It was easy to kill 50 German soldiers in WWII, "Kill the Kraut Bastards", or the Japanese, "The nips aren't going to kick us off this island!" Using so-called 'dergatory' names allowed a soldier to distance himself from the horrors of personal combat. But not today. "You men must terminate the Kroatian-Muslim people, and for God sakes Smith, quit calling them names!" Our soldiers don't kill rag-heads, they kill Iranian peasent conscripts. Personally, I'd rather kill 100 Blubber-Suckers than hurt 1 Native-American-Aleutian Island living-Trans Pacific Eskimo.

The only good thing to come out of religion was the music.

**these ideas are mine, with influence, quotes, and plagiarism from numerous sources**