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Forget climbing trees and learning the tin whistle. Here is The Chineapple Punx guide to smashing the system with your runner beans, running riot with broccoli florets and reclaiming the streets with organic damsons.
Firstly forget fluffy, get spikey just like your dibber. The diagram to the right shows that death dealing scarecrow grimace to aim for. When that’s perfected cut out the special Chineapple Warrior badge on the left (you may want to print it first else you’ll have a big hole in your monitor) and slap it on your favorite studded tank top. Now you are truly Mother Nature’s knuckle dusters. |
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Exercise One - The Police Immobilising Potato Bomb
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Take an average size potato (main crop variety, especially Maris Piper are good) and go on a search. When you find an unmanned police car stuff the spud as tightly and deeply into the exhaust as possible. When the oinkers start up, hopefully the pressure build up in the exhaust will blow the pipe up and it will need to be garaged to repair.
This little corker works well on hunt support cars too! |
Exercise Two - The Ecowarrior Golf Course Fucker Upper
There seem to be hundreds of bloody golf courses appearing everywhere, especially where nice woods used to be. Here’s a little prank to bugger up their lovely greens. But a packet or get some wild seeds of horseradish (or chinese ornamental radish) and around April/May secretly plant them half inch deep liberally on the greens or fairway.
When they’ve grown, the radishes will never go away, the tap root will be so deep that it can’t be dug out and will just grow again next year.
Top-Tip: If you plant more horseradish in the rough round the course, you can get more seeds for them to increase the amount on the green! FORE!
Exercise Three - The Anarcho Respray
Know a rich bastard (NB. This in no way implies that all rich people are bastards. Some rich people use their money in a responsible and sociable way, it’s the bastards we’re after!)/huntsman/copper with a nice white car? Give it that personal touch with your home grown beetroot. Cut the beet in slices and lay them in an artistic Anarcho insignia on the bonnet. If they’re left long enough (overnight should do it) hey presto a lovely design for the friends to envy. Pickled beetroot works just as well, and why stop at cars? Front doors, fur coats, speed boats - the list is endless.
Beware! Careful not to get caught red handed if you get my jist. Beetroot does not wash out of skin or clothes - wear shitty old gloves.
That should give you something to get in with.
More ideas soon(ish).
If you’ve got any jolly japes with peas and grapes and suchlike let us know and remember
Happy Double Digging,
The Chineapple Punx
xxx
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