Chineapple Palace - Diana Jokes, Anecdotes and Stories

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OK, so maybe some of you are going to think this is in poor taste but hear me out.

Most of the people who have access to this page do not live in the UK and therefore have no conception of the media overkill that has been forced into my life concerning the above mentioned person. I do, and it pisses me off.

Yes, Diana died young and yes, that it tragic - for anyone to die before they've had a fair crack of the whip is sad - however, you would be forgiven for believing that she was the only person to die on that Sunday morning. On the contrary 300 people were gunned down in Algeria, but could you find that in any of the papers?

What really galls me is that the British public (with whom I'm meant to associate and feel part of) acted like complete prats. How many of those people experiencing the mass hysteria that surrounded the Royal Palaces actually knew the person they were mourning for? How many of them could claim that they knew her? Very few. Most only knew the media personality - A PERSONALITY THAT WAS CAREFULLY CONTROLLED BY HER! I've taken stick for being callous - but I no more knew Princess Di(e) than I knew the last person to die in China (I don't know anyone who lives in China - which is why I chose that country).

She lived, she married the Prince of Wales, she had a crap marriage, she controlled the media, she divorced, she controlled the media, she retired from public life, she returned, she controlled the media, she highlighted some causes that were already publicised except the sheep in this world needed to be told about them by a media star before giving a toss, she controlled the media, she died. That's the end of the story - let's get on with our life.

It wasn't the media that killed her, it wasn't even the people stupid enough to buy the papers with the photos of her in (which of course led to the media needing to get photos of here) though I personally hold them far from blameless, it was a drunk driver possibly being egged on by a young playboy (possibly coked out of his mind) to drive faster whilst not wearing a seatbelt that killed her. Well, OK the monarchy, the secret services and those damn black UN helicopters may or may not have been involved, but that's all speculation as is the coke habit, the pregnancy etc. etc.

The point is that I like humour, and after every tragic event, Piper Alpha, Dunblane, Lockerbie, Challenger etc., etc. the jokes are bound to follow. So I'm collecting all the Diana related jokes I can find simply as an antidote to the other rubbish that is going on with regard to this issue.

If you find this offensive then use your back button, or you can insult me here.

If however, you have a sense of humour and have a joke that does not appear, you can put it forward for submission here.

I was pleased to see that I have received my first piece of abuse. Thank-you very much, your self righteous indignation is a pleasure to witness. And extra special thanks to the parents of someone who went to the same school as me (mailed anonymously so I don't know who you are). But whoever you are you made my day. In case you come back (and I think you will) my reply to your telling off is here. Keep it coming!

Your denial is beneath you and thanks to the use of hallucenogenic drugs .... I see through you!
Bill Hicks


The Jokes, The Anecdotes and the Stories

Ok, hopefully I've made my point - but if you are going to be in anyway offended, don't read on (oh, and chill out for flips sake - you'll give yourself an ulcer)

Thanks to all my sick friends and associates, and especially to Adrian Chitty and the subscribers to the Mark Thomas Mailing List for giving me so much material. (No links added because I don't want you getting flamed by any self righteous royalists - but you know who you are, and your contribution is greatly appreciated).

Far too many jokes now (105), so I've arbitrarily split them into sections.

Some are a bit difficult to classify, but here's what I've come up with

New Postings

  1. A joint press release from Buckingham Palace and Microsoft announced today that the latest operating system for P.C.'s was to be re-named prior to launch as 'Diana, Princess of Windows'. A spokesman for Microsoft said this was in tribute to the late ex-royal and is a fitting name in that the product will look flash, be mostly superficial, consume vast amounts of resources and, of course, crash spectacularly!

    Car/Princess

  2. What is the connection between Princess and Oasis?
    They both had smash hits with a Wonderwall

  3. What's the difference between a Skoda and a Mercedes?
    Princess Diana would never been seen dead in a Skoda

  4. What had the driver of the car had to drink before taking the wheel?
    A Harvey Wallbanger 6 chasers and a slammer

  5. Ad found in the back of a Classic Car magazine
    Parts required for a 1961 Princess

  6. Hear about the Princess who stayed out after midnight?
    She turned into a concrete pillar

  7. Why didn't Di survive the crash?
    You don't get seatbelts on a '61 Princess

  8. What do you give to a princess who has everything?
    A safety belt and an airbag

    Di and/or Dodi talking

  9. What were Di's last words to Dodi?
    "I know I wanted it fast and hard up against the wall, but..."

  10. What was Diana's last statement to the press?
    "Leave me alone, I'm a bloody princess!"

  11. Di and Dodi are in the car on the way home from a night out on the town in Paris. Di says to Dodi "Why don't we stay at my place tonight?".
    Dodi replies "No, I insist we stop at my place.". So Dodi and Di proceed to have a big argument about this, at which point the driver turns round and says "Look, if you can't decide, why don't we just crash here for the night?"!

  12. What did Dodi Al-Fayed say to his chauffeur?
    Do you want to come to Paris with me and Di(e)?

  13. What did Princess Di say to Dodi after he gave her the ring ?
    Aren't we moving a bit too fast !!!

  14. When Dodi asked Diana to marry him, she said she needed something more concrete in her life.

  15. What were Diana's (other) last words?
    These photographers are going to drive me up the wall

  16. Diana's bodyguard, interviewed by police in hospital
    The bloody frog driver refused to slow down, so I kicked his head in. I don't remeber what happeed next.

  17. What was the last thing Dodi said to Di?
    You look smashing

    Charity Work

  18. Why is Princess Diana like a landmine?
    They're both easy to lay but messy to remove.

  19. What's the other similarity between Princess Di and landmines?
    They both get laid by Arabs

    Misc

  20. Diana, A Tribute - from creche to crash

  21. What's the difference between the NFL and Diana?
    The NFL players come out of the tunnel Sunday.

  22. What's the difference between George Best and Di's driver?
    George Best could take corners when he was pissed

  23. What was wrong with the driver's eyesight?
    Tunnel Vision

  24. My wife kept complaining that I never took her on holiday, so I decided to take her to Paris and give her the Royal treatment ...

  25. Merecedes have issued new safety stickers for their rear view mirrors -
    Paparrazi in the mirror appear closer than they are

  26. What do Pink Floyd, Aryton Senna and Princess Di have in common?
    They all had hits with the Wall

  27. What's the difference between the London Ritz and the Paris Ritz?
    At the London one you get mints after dinner, In Paris you get minced.

  28. Mercedes have launched a new series. It has 2 air bags in the front and two body bags in the back

  29. What does a bee have in common with a Mercedes Benz?
    They both make Royal Jelly

  30. What's worse than being chased by British photographers?
    Being chauffered by a French driver

  31. What's worse than being chauffered by a French driver?
    Being treated by a French doctor

  32. New Pink Floyd album .... Another Brit in the Wall

  33. Quite a long little story here.
    In honour of Lady Di's funeral, we release the following conversation between Elton John and Bernie Taupin, recorded by "audio paparazzi" earlier this week:
    Elton: Hey, Bernie, we've got a gig.
    Bernie: What's that?
    Elton: A big gathering where lots of young people congregate to listen to...
    Bernie: Yeah, I remember. Where is it?
    Elton: Well, it's a funeral.
    Bernie: Fuck off. You've got to be joking.
    Elton: No, straight up mate. It's Diana.
    Bernie: Why should I go?
    Elton: 'cause she's a fucking princess, that's why. No come one, there could be a few quid in it, write us a song.
    Bernie: Bollocks to you mate, I've a big darts match on tonight.
    Elton: Well just rehash one of our old ones, nobody will notice.
    Bernie: Alright then, but let's make it quick... (footsteps, sound of piano lid opening) ....Ow 'bout this then? "Saturday, Saturday, Saturday night's alright..."
    Elton: You daft bastard, it's a funeral
    Bernie: OK, let's have that dull wotsit for that paper boy what got...
    Elton: Nah, do that "Norma Jean" thing. I always hated that
    Bernie: (sings slightly out of key)

    Goodbye Lady Di
    Though I never even bought "The Sun"
    The TV told me you had croaked
    And ruined all the fun

    Elton : You've got to be fucking kidding! Do you realize how much I could get for this? Have you seen how much hair transplants cost these days?
    Bernie: All right, but I want a free season ticket to a "decent" club for next year's bonus.
    Goodbye Princess Di
    May they all forget you were a tart
    And have the grace to shed a tear
    Before the rumours start
    You went out of the country
    And you tried to hide in vain
    They saw you in the tabloids
    You really should have changed your name

    But it seems to me your driver was
    Over three sheets to the wind
    Never knowing what had happened
    When the roof fell in
    And I'd have liked to have seen the photo
    But then I'm just a lout
    Your minder will die of heart disease
    Before the truth gets out

    Royalty was tough
    Those regal ears without a dick
    Imagine bedding that one night
    We can see you had to split
    And 'specially now you're dead
    Oh the Brits are all contrite
    But when you were alive
    They really couldn't give a shite

    Goodbye Princess Di
    From the young man who doesn't want to know
    Who thinks you've run off to the Caribbean
    To live with Marilyn Monroe,
    (and JFK, Elvis Presley, Jim Morrison, Hendrix, Luther King, Maxwell et al.)

    Bernie: What d'ya reckon, Reg? Think that'll do for 'em?
    Elton: Yeah, it'll do. I'll never remember the words though. Let's go down the pub, we'll think about it tomorrow.

    Irony

  34. Diana's will was read last week. Apparently she requested no flowers!

  35. Knock, knock
    Who's there?
    Di
    Di who?
    See, easily forgotten

    Very Sick

  36. What's the difference between Princess Diana and 20p?
    It's easy to scrape together 20p...

  37. What would Diana be doing if she were alive today?
    Trying to claw her way out of her coffin.

  38. What did the Frnch mortuary attendant say when he got the body bags?
    Zip-a-de-Dodi, Zip-a-de-Di

  39. There were rumours that Di was pregnant. This was proved false when they opened her up and found she was fitted with a coil, and an alternator and a water pump ....

  40. Why was the car travelling so quickly
    Because Di was yelling 'faster, faster, don't stop' from the back seat

  41. Why was Di so thin
    Crash diet

    Too true ????

  42. from Newsweek:
    "Evidently many scores of millions of people lead lives of such anesthetizing boredom, emotional aridity and felt insignificance that they relish any opportunity for vicarious involvement in large events. And Princess Diana's death has been a large event precisely and only because the public, in a spontaneous act of mass parasitism, has fastened onto the event for the catharsis of emotional exhibitionism."

  43. Two true things from Macau:
    1. One English language newspaper ran the headline:
      PRINCESS DIed
    2. And, in the You Knew It had to Happen Dept: A Volvo dealer in Macau lost his franchise after running an ad with a picture of Prince Diana and the tagline, "She'd still be alive if she was in a Volvo."

  44. Some comments from Bill Maher (host of 'Politically Incorrect with Bill Maher')

  45. It's just another example of Franco/German anti-British collaboration that has been going on since 1914.... Surely it's no coincedence that the world's best-loved Englishwoman was killed by a drunken Frenchman driving a German tank.

  46. You know with all the media coverage of Princess Diana's death you'd think OJ killed her.

  47. They are some conspiracy theories floating around that MI5 killed Diana. It's completely untrue - it was the French Underground

    Charles

  48. What did Charles say when he heard the news?
    Shall I put your motorbike in the garage then, Mum?

  49. What's the difference between Charles and Camilla and Di and Dodi?
    Di and Dodi were just a crush

  50. What's the similarity between Neighbours and Prince Charles?
    Neighbours had Mrs Mangle, Charles had a mangled Mrs

  51. How could you tell which one was Charles at the funeral?
    He was the one talking to the flowers

  52. Charles was walking the dog one morning when a bloke coming the other way shouted 'Morning'
    'No, just taking the corgis for a walk' replied the jug eared twat

  53. What did Charles want Elton to play at the funeral
    'I'm still standing'

    The Queen

  54. What's the Queen's favourite car?
    A smashed up Princess

  55. What did the Queen give Fergie for her Birthday?
    A first class trip to Paris with dinner at the Ritz!

  56. I hear the Queen has a motorbike for sale

    Other Royals

  57. Why was Lady Di's death a tragedy?
    Because the rest of the Royal Family wasn't in the back of the car with her.

  58. What will Di get for Christmas?
    the Queen Mum

    Dodi only

  59. Dodi's Tomb was to be fitted with central heating until they realised that he already had a radiator on his chest.

  60. Did Dodi do Di before Di and Dodi died?

  61. What was the last thing that went through Dodi's mind before he died?
    The dashboard

  62. How do you fit 5 Arabs in a Mercedes?
    2 in the front, 2 in the back and Dodi Al-Fayed in the glove compartment

  63. Why did Dodi take his suit to the dry cleaners?
    He'd spilt Di all over it

  64. What does DODI stand for?
    Died Opposite DI

  65. What does DODI (also) stand for?
    Died On Dashboard Impact

  66. What were the last two things Dodi did?
    Di(e)

  67. After months of heart rending trauma and public mourning, Mohammed Al Fayed received some good news the other day ...
    ... the car will be ready to pick up next Wednesday

  68. Whay is Dodi's knob red?
    He dipped it in Di

    Mother Teresa

  69. Tonight we could all memoralize the sainted Mother Teresa and the beloved Princess Diana by eating curry and then sticking our fingers down our throats.

  70. Diana and Mother Teresa are at the gates to heaven trying to get in. Peter comes to the gates and explains that they've got a stricter immigration policy in action due to overcrowding and he'll only be able to let one person in every two, but they were free to persuade him in any manner.
    Shoked by this new policy Teresa decided to out gun Diana and quickly whipped her habit off and rubbed Peter's face in her wizened bosom. Somewaht shocked, but not displeased Peter withdrew his head and awaited Diana's reaction.
    Diana reached into her duffle bag, took out a bottle of Perrier, shook it up removed the top and inserted the gushing bottle in the most intimate place she could (I'm trying to be delicate here - but it really is essential for the joke - Dooog).
    Shocked by the show he had just experienced, Peter retired to make his decision. A couple of minutes later he returned and told Teresa to bog off. Somewhat hurt at his decision to let a bottle fornicator into heaven, she asked him what was the deciding factor. Peter shook his head and explained that it wasn't his decision, it was just a fact that a Royal Flush always beats a pair.

  71. What's the didifference between Di and Mother Di and Mother Theresa ?
    About 4 days

    Di only

  72. What does Diana stand for?
    Died In A Nasty Accident

  73. What was the real reason behind Diana's death?
    She wanted to be the first to see the new Versace collection

  74. What's Tiger Woods got that Princess Di didn't?
    A good driver

  75. What did Di wear for her funeral?
    A bark blue bonnet

  76. When is Diana spencer not Diana Spencer?
    When she's Diana Bloodloss

  77. If Diana's heart was in the right place, why was it found in the glove compartment?

  78. What have Di and Ian Wright got in common?
    Both hit the post 4 times at the weekend

  79. Did you hear Diana was on the radio?
    And the dashboard, and the steering wheel and ....

  80. How do they know Di had dandruff?
    They found her Head and shoulders on the dashboard

  81. What's Princess Di got in common with Duncan Goodhew?
    They've both work speedos

  82. What do Princess Di and Chelsea have in common?
    They both excel at hitting the post

  83. Did you see Princess Di in the Mirror/
    Yes, and across the dashboard too..

  84. What's Diana's favourite ice-cream?
    Wall's

  85. Did you hear, Diana had been drinking that night too !
    Yeah, apparently they found a couple of pints of Carling inside her!

  86. How do you paint a tunnel?
    With Di.

  87. What have Diana and a tampon got in common ?
    They both go into dark tunnels and come out red !!

  88. What do Diana and George Burns have in common?
    They both dies at 100

  89. What do Ferrero Rocher and Princess Diana have in common?
    They both come out of France in a box

  90. What is harder getting red wine out of your carpet or getting Di out of your upholsery?

  91. Why did the poms (Aussie derog term for British) want to cremate Di?
    That way they finally get to keep the ashes

  92. What did Di do when she heard the driver had been drinking?
    She hit the roof

  93. Did you hear that one tabloid in particular is being blamed for the accident?
    The Paris Post

  94. What does Di's bumper sticker say?
    'My other car's a decoy'

  95. What does Di rest her head on at night?
    A pillar

  96. What do Di and rabbits have in common?
    They both get fucked in tunnels

  97. What's the difference between Di and Eastern Germany?
    East Germany survived the wall

  98. What have Jim Henson and Di got in common?
    They both died with their hands up a frog's arse

  99. Apparently Di had a pizza before leaving the Ritz .... with extra paparazzi

  100. What was the last thing to go through Di's mind when she hit the wall?
    Her arsehole

    Crap Puns

  101. How do you paint a Merc red?
    Di it

    Elton

  102. Why did Elton John sing at the funeral?
    Because he's the only Queen that gives a shit

  103. What will Tommy Steel sing after Elton John at the funeral?
    Crash Bang Wallop, what a picture

  104. 'Candle in the wind' is being rewritten for Mother Teresa 'Sandals in the bin'

  105. Elton is rewriting 'Candle in the wind' (again)
    'Doorhandle through her grin'


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