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Pisces February 19 - March 20
With Tuesday bringing a foul plague of blood sucking tangerines to Godalming, it's not a good time for practising your rendition of Wagner's Ring Cycle. P.S. Don't make ice cubes out of piss - it's dirty
Shoe of Destiny : A Silver Strappy Sandal
Aries March 21 - April 19
An undercurrent of malevolent twiglets is running through your life. Shrug it off with a relaxing barrel of pig phlegm. Venus in your sign this week brings otters with trilby hats knocking on your greenhouse
Shoe of Destiny : The Pastel Pink Court Shoe
Taurus April 20 - May 20
No-one knows the sport of donkey fondling better than you, so put it to good use. The moon ascending in your chart could cause emotional outbursts, better to avoid those gilded plum warmers altogether
Shoe of Destiny : The Zepher Trainer
Gemini May 21 - June 21
On Tuesday you will inherit a machine for dissecting the Pilgrim Fathers. Don't let it go to your head. There's plenty more fish in the rubber plant. Go on - mortgage your house for that embroidery radiator valve you've got your eye on.
Shoe of Destiny : A Brown Brogue
Cancer June 22 - July 22
As the crab of the Zodiac, there's never been a better time to shout "Aaaarggghhhh!!!! They're coming - hide the walnuts", and with Jupiter rising, buckets of Ritz crackers and eyeballs are sure to get the party swinging. Just remember what Shakin' Stevens said.
Shoe of Destiny : Chelsea Boots with a Nice Cuban Heel
Leo July 23 - August 22
Tuesday could end in tears if Cher comes to tea again (remember what happened last time with the ball bearing - I think it's worked itself free now). As my Mum always said "Get up - you'll be late for school. Have you been smoking?". Mars descending brings copper plated wingnuts into perspective.
Shoe of Destiny : Clarks Attackers
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Wednesday's a good day for resolving any acid in the pants problems. In hindsight, perhaps nipple clamps would have made more of an impression. Sticklebacks in slingbacks bring news of a cheap hand loom next weekend.
Shoe of Destiny : The 8 Hole Doctor Martin Boot
Libra September 23 - October 22
As a water sign, you know all about bears, so don't waste that partial eclipse. You could resolve money matters by rubbing baked beans in your eyes but I advise tinned pears. Aaaah! Much better.
Shoe of Destiny : The legendary Golden Pixie Boot of Dr Ricky Pepper
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw fireworks ! With Mars and Neptune converging on your chart there's every chance tap dancing mammoths could crush your mongoose filing cabinet. Try sticky buns (ooh-er). That usually clears these things up.
Shoe of Destiny : Suede Hush Puppies
Sagitaruis November 22 - December 21
Don't let snow boarding leopards influence your decision to eat more grass - the milk will come in handy. The stars show a sort of whooshy blue thing and some funny stuff next to the coffee table
Shoe of Destiny : Gorgonzola
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Go on goaty features, let Ray Reardon have your brussel sprout lifting apparatus. There's a strong influence of love in your sign, next Monday it could be Uranus - oh no, it's just a pink cushion. Scrap your plans to plant wild herbs in Dennis Norden.
Shoe of Destiny : Sorry, Gorgonzola's a cheese isn't it!
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
The sun rising in conjunction with those plastic stickleback tongs brings joy and marmalade to your face. Don't be tempted to go pearl diving down the park next Friday - there's some vigilante herons in the neighbourhood.
Shoe of Destiny: A Checked Felt Slipper
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