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Good day reader, and welcome to my guide to the intracacies of computer usage and the Devil's spawn known to many as the Internet.
You may have noticed that I am not actually speaking to you at this time, but you can still understand what I'm saying. This is done using a clever, yet utterly evil work of Satan known as writing.
Writing works by small imps and unmentionable devils stealing the words from my brain through a dimensional portal held in the hand and known to the servants of such folly as 'A Biro'. These words are then burned into the very retinas of your eyes by needle wielding imps in your home. There, that is the easy bit explained, now try to follow as it could become more complicated (such are the works of the technical warlocks).
See that big square thing in front of you. That's a work of the black arts that they call 'a computer' and (brace yourselves) - it's not made of wood, but contains hundreds of pixies andnasty spirits which run around making it work.
Whenever you press one of those nobbly things with your finger, one of the evil pixies runs off down a little tube which you can probably see at the back of the devil machine, comes to my house and steals my words from my brain. They can run so fast because of their special 'micro chips' which they eat to give them lots of energy. (These themselves must be the work of Beelzebub, because I have tried cutting potatoes really small and all they do is burn. You must understand that I am prepared to tamper with the works of these evil warlocks purely to understand their twisted nature).
You will notice the window to the inside of the box is all lit up with the multicoloured fired of hell and staring really close to them makes you go blind or get possessed by unmentionalble demons.
The internet is so called because it is literally a big net used to catch people and drag them in. I have seen grown men spend days staring into the box probably hearing terrible voices and being forever stabbed in the eyes by the imps' red hot needles. It is a terrible way to go.
You may have been tempted to smash the box into little pieces to exorcise the powers of evil - but be warned - each pixie and demon has a nasty 'mega-byte' which makes a mans hair stnad on end and burnd his fingers with the fires of satan himself.
No! That i snot the way - to rid yourself of the evil 'computer' simply take it back to the churches of corruption - Currys, Argos and PC World and with your receipt in your hand drench the human disciples of Lucifer with holy water. They will probably resist you - spometimes even violently, but it is merely the demons inside escaping.
That is all there is to know really, and don't beleive the mouthpieces of the fallen one if they tell you different. I'm right.
Thank you for listening
Mr Growbag
xxxxxx
And thank you for that treatise Mr Growbag. You haven't been marrying your cousins again have you ???
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