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Pisces February 19 - March 20
As a water sign you may feel the need to drink water this fortnight, but beware of counterfeit nimrods under the stairs. Try to make time for that backgammon tournament, you know how the orphans love it. Destiny brings a long awaited stickleback.
Aries March 21 - April 19
The stars show a good time to move house or perhaps repaint your ornamental water buffalo. Beware of Kendo Nagasaki impersonators and impetuous nail files. Destiny shows a rather nice film about flower arranging.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
Change those embossed egg poachers while Mars is on your side. Remember no one likes a smart arse or green wine gums. Destiny makes a pact with Satan’s bespoke tailor.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
Your chart shows now is the time for fulfilling those dreams. Enter the shouting championships or make a bid for those leather battenburg holders you like, but don’t drink that copydex. Destiny is a noun meaning what will happen to you alternatively known as fate.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
Make allowances for flatulent polar bears, it could easily be down to the paint roller in the shed, run up some curtains and maybe go for a jog round the picture rail. Destiny sees a small blue periwinkle.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Don’t be afraid to approach those skateboarding herrings, these things are better off your mind. A man who works for the council holds a lucky packet of scampi fries. Destiny is a Dennis Roussos T-Towel.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
A cliff top bicycle ride spells disaster with the moon entering Uranus (ooh), so notify the penguin house at Chester Zoo and don’t forget to pickle those quail’s brains next Friday. Destiny wants you for a sunbeam.
Libra September 23 - October 22
Uranus enters a new phase on Thursday morning so dig out those sequinned hotpants. Don’t be easily led by flat chested walruses, you know what happened with the cheese grater last time. Destiny sees an eye infection & perhaps some lumbago.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
Don’t let pot plants run you down, with Venus ascending there’s never been a better time for the chocolate sauce festival you’re planning. Destiny is a goose feather duvet with detachable brazil nuts
Sagitaruis November 22 - December 21
The mists clear to reveal several tons of ripe greengages affecting your chart on Tuesday. Take care around horse brasses especially if you know a man called Susan. Destiny sees an aroused baboon.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
The sun leaves your house on Wednesday so you’ll be able to watch telly without sun glasses on. A plague of individual swiss rolls signals on out break of colic. Destiny sees a pleated netball skirt .... ooohhh very nice.
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